Friday, December 24, 2010

'Spider-Man' Not Cursed, Julie Taymor Claims

NEW YORK- After this week's accident, in which an actor fell thirty feet into the orchestra pit, becoming the forth cast-member to suffer serious injury, rumors are circulating that the Spider-Man musical is under an actual black magic curse.

"That's ridiculous," says visionary director Julie Taymor, while spraying a fire-extinguisher on a cast member who has spontaneously burst into flames. "I don't believe in curses, or even bad luck." Nevertheless, the show which has been repeatedly delayed, gone bankrupt once, and whose original producer died of a stroke while signing a contract with The Edge, does seem to have suffered more than its share of ill-fortune.

"Even if there were such a thing as 'bad luck,' there's no reason why it should happen to this show more than any other," Taymor says while rehearsing a scene in which hundreds of live black cats are released into the paths of her cast members.

Critics suggest that the show has suffered from Taymor's insistence on loading it with unnecessarily complicated stunts that don't even have anything to do with the story, such as one scene in which Spidey dives under a dozen ladders so he can smash a hall of mirrors and knock over a fifty-gallon drum of salt while screaming "Macbeth."

Taymor however, refuses to scale back her vision. "Sure, we could have made things simpler to save trouble and money," she says. "We didn't have to build the villain's armor out of gold stolen from an Egyptian tomb. We could have skimped on the set by not building it entirely from bones dug up from an Indian burial ground, but it's that attention to detail that makes this show special.

Taymor does admit that the decision to bury the severed hand of a gypsy under every seat in the theatre might have been a little over the top.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

GOP Partners with Al Qaeda to Kill New Yorkers

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) this week announced that Republicans have reached a bipartisan deal with Al Qaeda to kill off those New Yorkers the terrorist group failed to kill on 9/11. As part of this deal, Senate Republicans are filibustering the Zadroga Bill, which would provide health care for 9/11 first responders, thereby condemning the men and women who stood up for their country during the attack to die slow painful deaths from diseases caused by inhalation of 9/11 debris.

"For too long, we thought Al Qaeda wanted to destroy America," McConnell explains, "but it turns out they only want to destroy those parts that contribute positively to the nation's culture and economy, which is to say the blue states." McConnell adds that as long as red states remain dominated by ignorant, shiftless, inbred, slack-jawed yokels with no positive social or mental attributes, they are in no danger from Islamic extremists.

"It's time for Republicans and terrorists to set aside our petty differences," McConnell explains, "and focus on what we have it common: a single-minded zeal to destroy our enemies at all costs." While the Kentucky senator admits that he has certain doctrinal differences with Al Qaeda, he says "any right-wing fundamentalist group that hates gays, Jews, liberals, and women's rights can't be all bad, right?"

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Post DADT, Soldiers May Be Too Fit, Organized

After yesterday's historic repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, military strategists are worried that the US Armed Forces may be overrun by fit, muscular, organized men, and strong, tough women who know how to get things done. "If science-fiction teaches us anything," warns Gen. Orson Dreedle, "it's that creating an army of superhumans always ends badly, and I've watched enough Bravo to know that's what gay people are."

A spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign responded by reassuring the public that the media portrayal of gay people as physically fit, culturally superior beings with lots of money is just a stereotype, and that many homosexuals are just as sloppy, weak, and poor as straight people. "The danger that they will become a master-race of super-soldiers," the spokesperson said, "is largely exaggerated."

Although gay rights advocates claim that allowing homosexuals to serve in the military will not change the character of the armed forces, Pentagon officials are already debating replacing the military's traditional drab uniforms with something more colorful and gay-friendly. A prototype of the new design appears below.

Friday, December 17, 2010

WikiLeaks Reveals Location of Lost Keys

The latest document released by WikiLeaks reveals the location of your missing keys. They're in your pocket. While experts say this information will not jeopardize your personal security, it may prove embarrassing, and could damage diplomatic relations with your wife, who just spent the last hour helping you look for them.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Other 2 Guys from U2 Make 'Ant-Man' Musical

Ever since U2 hit the charts over twenty years ago, frontman Bono, and guitarist The Edge have been household names. But the band also has two other members. They recently talked with the Inquisition about their upcoming Broadway musical about the widely disregarded Marvel superhero, Ant-Man.

INQ: So you guys are really in U2?
INQ: That's so cool. Have you met Bono?
THAT OTHER GUY: Yes. We're in the band together.
INQ: That's awesome. Do you ever get to go on tour with him and The Edge?
THE BLOND GUY: We are half of U2. The band is the four of us.
INQ: I bet girls are really impressed that you know Bono.
THAT OTHER GUY: Or that we're in the band.
INQ: So you're making a rock musical about Ant-Man?
THE BLOND GUY: Yes. He's one of Marvel's greatest superheroes. He has the strength of an ant.
THAT OTHER GUY: He can carry a crumb clean across the room.
THE BLOND GUY: And he can talk to ants.
INQ: What do they say?
THE BLOND GUY: Well, not much really. They're just ants.
THAT OTHER GUY: So in the musical, all the world's supervillains have teamed up, and Ant-Man has to stop them.
INQ: From taking over the world?
THE BLOND GUY: From having a picnic. The director is a true visionary. Have you seen the Lion King?
INQ: Yes.
THE BLOND GUY: Well, he directed the show across the street from it.
INQ: So what else are you working on?
THAT OTHER GUY: We're working on something with Charlie Watts and Ronnie Wood.
INQ: Who?
THE BLOND GUY: The other two guys in the Rolling Stones.
INQ: So just one more question, can you introduce me to Bono?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Pres. Obama Gives Away the Farm

WASHINGTON, DC- Pres. Obama once again amazed the nation this week with his masterful negotiating skills. Faced with a Republican Senate minority that threatened to filibuster his entire agenda unless every millionaire in the country was given roughly $100,000 a year in tax cuts, he carefully crafted a deal in which the millionaires would get all of the money they wanted, and the president would get only most of his agenda filibustered.

To sweeten the deal, the president also gave away the farm. "I wasn't happy to see the farm go," Pres. Obama says, "but when you're bargaining, you have to give something up."

The art of the bargain was something Pres. Obama first learned as a child at Hawaii's famed Aloha Stadium Swap Meet. "Someone was selling a watch for $50. I wanted it for $25," the president recalls. "In the end, I gave him $40, and he kept the watch, so neither of us got exactly what we wanted, but it was a successful compromise."

As the future president grew, he found himself negotiating bigger and bigger deals, first trading his entire comic book collection for a half eaten peanut butter sandwich, later a vintage Mustang for a rusty bicycle, and once a cow for three magic beans.

In his days as a Chicago community organizer, the young Obama once defused a potentially explosive standoff between police and hostage-taking bank robbers. He brokered a compromise in which the police handed their weapons over to the bank robbers and provided them with additional hostages in exchange for the assurance that they would not be harmed. Once again, neither side got everything they wanted. The bank robbers had demanded a Learjet, but Obama instead bought them first class plane tickets to South America, which he paid for by selling his house for over $700.

Although congressional Republicans have vowed not to compromise on anything, the president is confident that even with the farm gone, he can still appease them with enough give-aways to accomplish at least some of his remaining goals. If necessary, White House insiders say, he is even willing to give up his magic beans.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Red States, We Need to Talk

an editorial by the Blue States

It's time we face it. This isn't working out. All we ever do is argue, and it's just getting worse. It's time we finally went our separate ways.

I realized it was over between us this week, when you continued to filibuster the 9/11 health bill, which would pay for medical care for sick 9/11 first responders. Do you remember 9/11? There was that brief moment when it brought us closer together. You still talk about 9/11 all the time, but you know what? It didn't happen to you. It happened to me. And now you're just punishing me over it.

I remember when we first met. We were both still in an abusive relationship with England and we used to stay up all night talking about freedom. It was hot. I was a little skeeved out by the fact that you owned slaves, but I thought I could change you.

But the fact is, we want different things. I want universal single-payer health care and sweeping energy reform. You want to privatize social security and ban abortion. As long as we're together, neither of us is going to have our needs met.

So what are we staying together for? The sake of the children? 22% of our children live in poverty, and you won't let me do anything about because you say we can't afford to. And maybe we can't afford to feed the kids, but that's only because of your gambling debts.

Now with any break up, there's bound to be some quarreling over who gets what. I know you're going to want all the nukes, and while I don't really want them, I don't want you to have them because you get in fights a lot, especially when you've been drinking. But somehow we'll work it out.

We've had a good run. 234 years is longer than a lot of countries stay together. And once we're not fighting all the time, we can look back fondly on all the great things we did together. We'll always have liberating Paris.

Monday, November 22, 2010

TSA Seeks Experienced Fondlers to Assist in Groping Travelers

With stringent new security measures going into effect just as the busiest travel season kicks off, the TSA is looking for additional hands to pat, squeeze, and clutch holiday travelers. The agency has placed ads on Craigslist, the nation's most comprehensive database of experienced gropers and mashers. To find truly skilled ticklers, graspers, and fingerbangers, the TSA is also calling for assistance from massage parlor workers, priests, and your strange Uncle Phil.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Nazi Offended by NPR Comparison

In an interview this week, Fox News Chief Roger Ailes described NPR executives as left wing Nazis. The comment enraged many surviving Nazis who see little similarity between the fascist regime that occupied most of Europe and killed 6 million Jews, and the radio network that brings you All Things Considered.

"How many countries has NPR invaded?" asks Heinrich Gutter, who joined the Nazi party during its 1933 Nuremberg Pledge Drive. "Not one."

Gutter became part of Joseph Goebbels' Ministry of Propaganda, where he produced Klik und Klak, a regular radio transmission about the superiority of German automotive engineering. He later went on to work on several other Nazi broadcasts, including This Aryan Life, and Wait, Wait Don't Shoot Me.

NPR's biggest failure, Gutter says, is in the field of his speciality. "To be a true propaganda disseminator," he says, "a news outlet must be a direct mouthpiece for the party. Every news story must advance the party's ideology. Their paid correspondents should be prominent party members and candidates. And the head of the propaganda ministry must viciously attack anyone who criticizes the party, preferably by calling them Nazis."

Gutter hopes that Ailes will fully retract his comment, as he wants to be in no way associated with public radio. "If I thought the Third Reich was anything like those public radio weaklings," he says, "I would throw out my Nazi tote bag right now."

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Obama Caves on Tax Cuts, Launches Nationwide Search for His Balls

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Republicans have been filibustering to block tax cuts for middle-class Americans unless the wealthiest 1% of Americans can also get tax cuts. Although the Republican plan to give an extra $100,000 to every millionaire in the country will increase the deficit by $700 billion, the White House is indicating that it is willing to accept it.

In an unrelated story, the president admitted this week that he has lost his balls. In the months leading up to his election, then Sen. Obama used to play basketball boldly, with large, strong balls that seemed destined to accompany him to the White House. It now appears that those balls were lost in the move. The president is calling on anyone who finds a sack of big, orangey-brown balls to please send them immediately to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Are Oreos a Better Leader than Michele Bachmann?

Rep. Michele Bachmann is vying for the role of GOP Conference Chair, the #4 leadership position in the House of Representatives. The Minnesota congresswoman first launched herself into the national spotlight by demanding that Democrats be investigated for "anti-American views," and by claiming that Pres. Obama plans to force the nation's children into "re-education camps."

In a Fox News interview on Monday, Bachmann cited as one of her key qualifications the fact that she has over 140,000 Facebook friends. She went on to suggest that having at least 100,000 Facebook friends should be a prerequisite for party leadership.

Following Bachmann's statement, Oreos have come forward to challenge her for the chair. Although Oreos are neither an elected member of Congress, nor an actual person, they appear to be nearly 100 times as qualified as Bachmann, with over 13 million friends.

The House Majority Whip is now expected to be Dr. House, a fictional character who has a few hundred thousand more friends than Oreos, and who may actually increase the civility and good manners of Congress. Vin Diesel is looking to be the House Majority Leader. With nearly 18 million friends, he is one of the most liked people on all of Facebook. Really.

The obvious choice for Speaker of the House is Michael Jackson. With over 23 million friends, he is the most popular human in Facebook history. Although technically dead, he has a healthier skin tone than previously presumed Speaker, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH). Jackson's new album comes out next month.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Negative Ads for Everyday Goods (video)

The midterm elections set a record for spending on negative ads, with most of the money coming from anonymous outside sources. Although many of the ads proved to be false or misleading, they were largely successful. With the elections over, the political ad-makers are now turning their talents to ads for ordinary projects. See below.

Jen Houston & Joe Smith contributed to this report.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Obama India Trip Will Cost $100 Gazillion a Day

WASHINGTON, DC- Fox News ignited a firestorm this week when it reported that Pres. Obama's upcoming India trip will cost taxpayers more than $200 million a day. Although that number is completely made up, it raises serious doubts about the president's competence.

Even more alarming is a report from the Factual American Research Trust (FART) which suggests Fox's made-up number may be too low. The FART estimates the true cost of the trip to be over $100 gazillion a day.

The FART report also contradicts Rep. Michele Bachmann's claim that the White House has reserved 870 luxury rooms in the Taj Mahal hotel. Although the hotel has under 600 rooms, the president's actual reservation appears to be for a million-bazillion rooms.

The single biggest cost of the trip may be the president's security detail, which will include the entire US Navy, the Spanish Armada, and the Millennium Falcon. All totaled, the trip will cost over infinity-squillion dollars. Since this is more than the combined wealth of the entire planet, critics suggest this routine diplomatic visit may be part of a vast, liberal conspiracy to bankrupt the solar system.

Film Reveals Hazards of Texting While Dating (video)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tea Party Candidate Wins Foursquare Mayor's Race

NEW YORK- In another humiliating defeat for Democrats, the Tea Party-backed Laura L. unseated incumbent Mark P. as the "mayor" of Pronto Pizza on Foursquare, the popular social-networking app.

"The patrons of Pronto Pizza have spoken," Laura announced in her victory statement, as she promised to "reverse the radical agenda of Mark P."

In his concession speech, Mark denied that this was a referendum on his leadership. "Laura L. didn't get elected," he argued. "She just checked in more than I did. That's how Foursquare works."

Laura's mayoral bid was the costliest in Foursquare history, with anonymous sources spending over $7 million on campaign ads. "I don't know why they ran ads," Mark said. "I really don't think they understand what Foursquare is."

Laura has promised to "run Pronto Pizza like a business," and to issue an executive order requiring Mark to return all the pizza he has purchased over the last two years.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Christine O'Donnell Still Not a Witch

DOVER, DE- Christine O'Donnell's "I Am Not a Witch Ad" appears to be paying off. A new poll shows that only one in five Delaware voters believe the teaparty-backed Senate candidate is a practitioner of the black arts who has covenanted herself to Satan in an ancient unholy ritual.
Meanwhile, O'Donnell's opponent, Chris Coons is suffering from falling poll numbers, due largely to his unpopular move of recently turning into a frog.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

US Constitution is Unconstitutional!

Editorial by Irwin Kram
Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

At teabagging rallies across the country, the battle cry is always about protecting the Constitution. That's why the liberal media was thrilled to jump all over Senate candidate and self-proclaimed constitutional scholar, Christine O'Donnell when she revealed that she does not know or believe that the First Amendment establishes the separation of church and state.

Likewise, liberals have demonized another tea party Senate candidate, Joe Miller of Alaska. Miller, who has built his campaign on the message that Democrats are taking away our freedoms, supposedly violated the First Amendment's freedom of the press and the Fourth Amendment's freedom from unlawful search and seizure by having a reporter forcibly removed, handcuffed, and detained for asking questions at a campaign event in a public school.

What liberals don't get is that the First Amendment and the Fourth Amendment are themselves unconstitutional! So is the Seventh Amendment, which requires a trial by jury even for terrorists. It's the very freedoms in the Bill of Rights that are the biggest threat to our freedom.

You see, the Constitution isn't a document. It's a gut feeling. No one can define what the Constitution is, but real patriots know it when they see it-- just like pornography-- which of course brings us to Sarah Palin.

Citizen Sarah is touring the nation with the Tea Party Express this week, railing against Obama's big taxes. Now the Democrats will tell you that Obama didn't raise taxes. Technically, he cut taxes for 95% of Americans. But in your gut, doesn't it feel like he raised them? Don't be fooled by the specific numbers on your paycheck, and how they're bigger numbers than they were before. Instead, go with your gut-- which brings me to my final point.

Not only should you trust your gut, but on Nov. 2 you should just sit on the couch and pat your gut. If you want Tea Party candidates to take over Congress and protect our Constitution by protecting us from the Constitution, the best thing you can do is not vote. In Nevada, we're even running ads telling people not to vote. As long as enough people stay home, we've got this one covered. And there is so much good TV on Tuesday nights. If there are long lines at the polls you could miss Glee. In these uncertain times, that's a risk you cannot afford to take. Just stay home and get some rest. It's better for your constitution.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Campaign Finance Gets Outsourced

The 2010 midterm election is on track to become the most expensive election in US history, with nearly $200 million of campaign ads. Roughly 38% is being spent by the US Chamber of Commerce on ads attacking Democrats.

This week the Center for American Progress released a list of 80 foreign companies who have contributed a total of $885,000 to the Chamber, mostly from India and the Kingdom of Bahrain. Like so many of America's other jobs, it appears that campaign financing is getting outsourced.

Traditional campaign financiers are worried. Arlo Pert and his family have been in the political contribution business since his grandfather gave a dollar to Harry Truman in 1948. Now he's afraid he just can't compete. "Those Indian campaign financiers use child labor," Pert complains. "You know how much easier it is to stuff cash in someone's pocket with those tiny fingers?"

There are also concerns that foreign-funded ads may not be subject to the same quality control as American-bought ads. The Washington Post reported this week that many of the Chamber's ads have been recalled because they contained information that was simply false.

Not all of the Chamber's funding comes from India and Bahrain, of course. The Chamber has received $1 million from Fox News owner, Rupert Murdoch, who comes from Australia. This week the Chamber also received a $10,000 pledge from Glenn Beck, who is widely believed to be from the Moon.

Monday, October 11, 2010

US Economy Suffers Multiple Stab Wounds (video)

A live-action political cartoon, featuring Pat Dwyer, Jen Houston, and Allan Piper. Camera by Stephen Mosher.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Pundits Agree, God is Terrible Campaign Manager

In an interview this week, Delaware teabagger, Christine O'Donnell said God is guiding her Senate campaign.

This statement came on the heels of revelations that O'Donnell lied about where she went to college, is under investigation for tax evasion, and previously has vowed to stop Americans from having sex. In light of so much bad press, pundits agree that God is badly mismanaging her campaign.

It may be that God is taking on too much, as He also is managing the Senate campaign of Nevada's Sharron Angle. Since declaring that God was behind her, Angle has drawn fire for advocating the abolishment of the Department of Education, appearing to deny the existence of autism, and seeming to call for the assassination of her opponent.

These are not the first instances of God proving an ineffectual campaign manager. Sarah Palin has credited God as running her failed 2008 vice-presidential bid. He was also behind Pat Robertson's botched presidential run in 1988 and Jesus' 33 AD bid to become King of the Jews— a campaign run so badly that the candidate not only lost the election, but was nailed to a piece of wood.

Most pundits believe O'Donnell and Angle would do better to put their campaigns in the hands of a savvier manager, such as the Devil. However, Karl Rove claims he is retired from managing campaigns and is focusing all his energy on promoting his book.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Stop the Government Takeover of Congress!

Editorial by Irwin Kram
Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Today, House Republicans announced a "Pledge to America," promising to protect us from "an out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites." While technically speaking, these elites were appointed by a majority of the US electorate, they pose a dire threat to our Constitutional liberties. Free elections only work if when the wrong people get elected, they aren't allowed to govern. But Democrats refuse to admit that the voters were wrong, and have insisted on trying to govern anyway.

The Left has become so radical, it believes it's the government's job to make, interpret, and enforce the law. Well we the people have had enough, which is why more than 67,000 of us have joined the teabagging movement. That's nearly 0.02% of the US population, and roughly 97% of political news coverage!

But despite the appeal of ex-witch, anti-masturbation activists, voters don't need to abandon traditional Republicans to protect their freedoms. Senate Republicans have not gotten enough credit for their heroic use of the filibuster. In the three years since Democrats took control of the Senate, Republicans have mounted more filibusters than in all the years of the previous decade combined. They have protected the federal courts from being taken over by federally appointed judges, blocking a record 57% of Pres. Obama's judicial nominees, and have successfully stopped over 420 bills!

With the filibuster now a default position, Republicans need only 41 votes to defeat the 59 Democrats. This week's attempted repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell lost with 56 votes for and only 43 against. That's not just a revolution in politics, it's a revolution in math! But of course the liberal media doesn't celebrate this as historically unprecedented. They just treat it as politics as usual.

In the past three months alone, Republican senators have filibustered tax cuts, jobs bills, unemployment, even FAA safety regulations (because if the founding fathers had wanted government to regulate air travel, they would have specifically said so). Congressional Republicans understand that the Constitution limits the role of government to regulating who can marry whom and where people can worship, and they're determined to make sure it does nothing else. Anything beyond that would be un-American.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Not to Be Outdone, Church Plans to Burn Muslims

GAINSEVILLE, FL- Impressed by the media attention Pastor Terry Jones has received for his planned "International Burn a Koran Day," rival Florida Pastor Graham Chapman is upping the ante by sponsoring an "International Burn a Muslim Day."

Chapman is calling on all God-fearing Americans to round up the Muslims in their communities and burn them on the lawn of the Prince of Peace Church tomorrow in the spirit of fellowship. "If you can't bring a Muslim," Pastor Chapman asks, "maybe you can bring some drinks… or ice."

Chapman comes from a long line of burners. His father used to burn crosses on lawns, and his great great grandfather used to burn witches.

The announcement of Chapman's plan came this week as the pastor returned from the Burning Man festival in Nevada, an event whose name he complains is "grossly misleading."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Jehovah's Witnesses Annoyed by Pushy Atheists

The latest edition of the Jehovah's Witness magazine, Awake complains of what it calls "new atheism." The periodical warns that atheists are no longer content to keep their disbelief to themselves. Instead, they are "on a crusade... passionately trying to persuade the religious to their point of view."

"Those atheists keep showing up at my door, usually at dinner time," complains Norman Tent, a Jehovah's Witness in Brooklyn. "They act like their way is the only way. How can anyone be so arrogant?"

Devin Millstrum is one of these New Atheists. "I don't mean to be pushy," he explains, "but I can't just sit back and watch people condemned to suffer for what seems like eternity every weekend in church, even on perfectly nice days."

Millstrum describes his door-to-door mission as a calling from Jesus, his landscaper. "One day he said to me, 'Mr. Millstrum, you're so laid back and rational. You should share your philosophy.'"

Since then, Millstrum's been spreading his message everywhere he can. "I like canvassing Manhattan," he says. "I can honestly promise people when they die, they'll go to a better place: a hole in the ground slightly larger and cleaner than their current apartment, with no walk up."

Not everyone is receptive, but Millstrum doesn't get discouraged. "When the time comes that I'm called home, by my wife, and I go to meet my Maker's Mark on the rocks, I can rest knowing I have done my best to spread the word."

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Urban Legend Reveals God is Pissy, Insecure A--hole

A note titled "Love vs. Sex" has been circulating on Facebook as a viral posting. The note recounts the urban legend of two teenage girls who walk home alone separately, late one night. The girl who prays to God gets home safely, while the girl who doesn't gets raped. The posting explains that "if you stand up for God, he will stand up for you." And apparently if you don't, He will make sure you get raped in an alley.

Sources close to God explain that although the Deity is the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth, He is extremely insecure and gets His feelings hurt when teenage girls don't talk to him. "Sometimes he'll go sulk in his room for days, listening to Creed," an anonymous archangel confides. "Other times he'll go on a real smite binge."

The title, "Love vs. Sex," combined with the note's theme of sexual assault, underscores God's belief that sex is scary and wrong. Although God invented sex, He gets angry when anyone actually engages in it. According to insiders, this also stems from the Lord's insecurity. "He's convinced everyone is getting laid more than He is and it drives Him crazy," one saint explains. "And you wouldn't believe how much he's spent on male enhancement products over the millennia."

As for the girl whom God protected on the dark night in the alley, she complains that since that night, the Almighty has been "excessively clingy." "He keeps asking me to post on Facebook about how great He is for not letting me get raped, and then ask all my friends to repost it to their friends," she says. "It's a little much." While she is grateful that praying to God protected her from sexual assault that night, in the future she plans on just carrying mace.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

GOP Leader Claims He's Not Satanist

WASHINGTON, DC- A recent poll shows that 18% of Americans, and nearly half of all Republicans believe that Pres. Obama is a Muslim. Given the opportunity to dispel this rumor on behalf of his party on Sunday's Meet the Press, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said only that "the president says he's a Christian. I take him at his word," seeming to imply that there is still room for doubt.

McConnell's ambiguous wording echoed the Rev. Franklin Graham's Friday statement about whether the president has accepted Christianity: "That's what he says he has done. I cannot say that he hasn't."

When the Inquisition attempted to follow-up with the senator on rumors that he himself is a Satanist, the Kentucky Republican was able to offer no evidence other than his own word that he does not worship The Beast. Like most Satanists, McConnell is a white male, who has never once claimed not to have offered the blood of a child to the Dark Lord upon a profane altar.

The Rev. Graham refused to comment on McConnell's faith. Graham is the son of famed preacher Billy Graham, and says he is not a worshipper of the Hindu monkey god, Hanuman.
Although flinging feces like a monkey and mating with actual monkeys are not traditional Hanumanian practices, we have only Graham's word that he has not performed such acts anyway. Rev. Graham also says he's not gay.

Given the cloud of doubt cast on all three men's faith, the American Values Institute is calling on Graham, McConnell, and Obama to provide irrefutable evidence of their Christianity. Acceptable proof includes such acts as turning water into wine, resurrecting from death, or having sex with an altar boy.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ground Zero Mosque Franchise Comes to Kansas

MANHATTAN, KS- Kansas residents are up in arms over a controversial plan to build a Ground Zero Mosque in lower Manhattan, Kansas, only 1,300 miles from where the Twin Towers once stood. "It's insensitive to build this on the very ground where we were attacked," says Kansas Tea Party member, Mabel Portis, referring to the ground that constitutes the middle latitudes of the United States.

Like the contested Islamic cultural center planned on "hallowed ground" in New York, Kansas' Ground Zero Mosque is not actually at ground zero. Nor would it technically be a mosque. Strictly speaking, it would be a convenience store, owned by Mohammed Ayud, a Muslim Kansan so radical as to share the same first name as one of the 9/11 hijackers.

Opponents of Ayud's plans are quick to point out that they are not attempting to suppress his constitutionally protected freedom of religion. "Nobody is saying he shouldn't have the right to build this," Portis clarifies. "We're just saying he shouldn't be allowed to."

Professional Twitterer, Sarah Palin has jumped into the fray, calling on "both Muslims and Americans to refudiate Kansas' Ground Zero Mosque, as well as the buildification of any similar structurements anywhere else."

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Senate Candidate Accuses Dems of 'Idolatry'

LAS VEGAS- This week, Las Vegas Sun reporter Jon Ralston uncovered a radio interview with Sharron Angle, in which the Republican Senate candidate claimed that Pres. Obama's policies violate the Bible's First Commandment, and have changed America into "a country entrenched in idolatry."

Standing before a graven image of an American eagle, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied that the Obama administration is pushing an idolatrous agenda, explaining that the hill shrines currently under construction in honor of the goddess Ashtaroth are merely part of the president's plan to create jobs.

Angle is running against Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) on a platform of eliminating the Department of Education, reinstating the prohibition of alcohol, banning abortion and same-sex marriage, and withdrawing from the United Nations. If elected, she promises to uphold those parts of the Constitution that don't conflict with American values, and will stand firmly against the president's most recent stimulus proposal, which would require the Federal Reserve to fashion its gold into the likeness of a calf, unto which sacrificial offerings may be made.

For more on making the Bible the supreme law of the land, see the Inquisition article "US Law Should be Based on Bible, or Other Large Book"

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

GOP Defends Democracy from Voter Takeover

WASHINGTON, DC- Republican senators used the filibuster yesterday to protect America from the DISCLOSE Act, a law which would have required political ads to display what organization paid for them, and would have barred foreign companies from buying campaign ads in the US. With only 57 Democrats supporting the bill, it was defeated by a substantial majority of 41 Republicans.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell attacked the measure, calling it part of a vast Democrat conspiracy to shift electoral power into the hands of voters. "It would be un-American to stop companies like BP, Toyota, or Al Queda from surreptitiously bankrolling a campaign," the Kentucky senator argued. "If we take away the right of a foreign power to secretly influence an American election, what rights will be left?"

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

AZ Senator Stands Up for Suffering Billionaires

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-AZ) has drawn criticism for blocking the extension of unemployment benefits. As one of the leaders of a Republican filibuster, Kyl has ensured that 3.2 million Americans who lost their jobs in this recession will be cut off from benefits by the end of the month. Kyl argues that at a time of record deficit, America cannot afford an extra $35 billion for a program that he believes discourages people from looking for work.

This week, Kyl showed that despite his fiscal austerity, he is not without compassion. The Arizona senator appeared on Fox News Sunday to defend the extension of the Bush tax cut for the wealthiest Americans, at a cost of $678 billion-- a number many economists believe to be larger than $35 billion.

Percy Whetherby, of the Billionaires of America Relief Fund (BARF) praises Kyl's priorities. "Middle class Americans don't understand how much billionaires suffer during a recession," he explains. "An over-leveraged billionaire may have to sell off a football team, or a European castle," adding, "the average American never has to sell off anything bigger than an engagement ring, or a kidney."

A spokesperson for the senator describes Kyl's position as a matter of simple decency: "No billionaire should have to choose between putting food on the table that once belonged to Louis XIV, and putting the food in a diamond encrusted display case to be dangled teasingly over the heads of hungry peasants via helicopter."