Campaign Finance Gets Outsourced

The 2010 midterm election is on track to become the most expensive election in US history, with nearly $200 million of campaign ads. Roughly 38% is being spent by the US Chamber of Commerce on ads attacking Democrats.

This week the Center for American Progress released a list of 80 foreign companies who have contributed a total of $885,000 to the Chamber, mostly from India and the Kingdom of Bahrain. Like so many of America's other jobs, it appears that campaign financing is getting outsourced.

Traditional campaign financiers are worried. Arlo Pert and his family have been in the political contribution business since his grandfather gave a dollar to Harry Truman in 1948. Now he's afraid he just can't compete. "Those Indian campaign financiers use child labor," Pert complains. "You know how much easier it is to stuff cash in someone's pocket with those tiny fingers?"

There are also concerns that foreign-funded ads may not be subject to the same quality control as American-bought ads. The Washington Post reported this week that many of the Chamber's ads have been recalled because they contained information that was simply false.

Not all of the Chamber's funding comes from India and Bahrain, of course. The Chamber has received $1 million from Fox News owner, Rupert Murdoch, who comes from Australia. This week the Chamber also received a $10,000 pledge from Glenn Beck, who is widely believed to be from the Moon.

GOP Defends Democracy from Voter Takeover

WASHINGTON, DC- Republican senators used the filibuster yesterday to protect America from the DISCLOSE Act, a law which would have required political ads to display what organization paid for them, and would have barred foreign companies from buying campaign ads in the US. With only 57 Democrats supporting the bill, it was defeated by a substantial majority of 41 Republicans.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell attacked the measure, calling it part of a vast Democrat conspiracy to shift electoral power into the hands of voters. "It would be un-American to stop companies like BP, Toyota, or Al Queda from surreptitiously bankrolling a campaign," the Kentucky senator argued. "If we take away the right of a foreign power to secretly influence an American election, what rights will be left?"

Louisiana Sen. Wants More Drilling

As Louisiana copes with the most catastrophic oil spill in history, it would be easy for Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu to pander to special interests (such as the voters of Louisiana) and take a stand against off-shore drilling, but Sen. Landrieu has never been one to take a position just to please three or four million of her constituents.

This week the senator came out in support of continued and accelerated offshore drilling, not because she's received over $400,000 in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry over the past five years, nor because energy giant, Entergy Corp is her single biggest contributor. Sen. Landrieu just loves oil, and sees tremendous benefits in her entire state being completely covered in thick crude.

"You'll never have to worry about squeaky hinges," a Landrieu aide explains, listing the benefits of completely immersing the state in oil. "It keeps your skin from drying out. The pungent aroma is so strong, no one will notice if you have bad hygiene; and who knows, 'The World's Largest Oil Slick' could well be a bigger tourist draw than great food, music, and boobs.'"

Letting Big Biz Buy and Sell Politicians May Be Economic Boon

WASHINGTON, DC - While the Supreme Court's decision last week to allow corporations to spend unlimited sums on candidates and elections has been widely derided as a blow to democracy, many economists are hailing the ruling as an economic boon. In the past, if a company wanted to influence a politician, they had to funnel their money through political action committees. Now they are free to buy the politician outright, which could open up a whole new sector of the economy.

"Once a company actually owns a politician," explains economist Milton Feltcher, "they can then resell that politician to another company." Feltcher uses the case of Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-DE). "Insurance companies have given him over $2 million over the years, but insurance only becomes a legislative issue every couple of decades. Now Blue Cross can buy Lieberman for the healthcare vote and then recoup their expense by selling him to someone like Disney, either to represent their interests in upcoming telecommunications legislation, or possibly to play a singing rodent at one of their theme parks."

"For that matter," Feltcher adds, "Lieberman could be sliced up and repackaged with other senators to be sold as 'senatorial derivatives.'" Feltcher even imagines a future in which shares of elected officials could be traded publicly on the stock market, "thereby allowing the American public to feel like they have a small stake in our government." Of course the likelihood of anyone other than the largest investors having an actual say in the democratic process Feltcher admits is "strictly theoretical."

The Senate's Night Before Christmas

WASHINGTON, DC- The Senate health reform bill passed a second procedural vote this morning, and is on track to come to a final vote on Christmas Eve. In honor of the occasion, the Inquisition offers this poem.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Senate
Limped a bill much worse than the day they began it.
The public option was killed by an elf named Joe,

In hopes that insurers would give him more dough.
Those insurers were nestled, all snug and in bed.
With Dems on their payroll, they had nothing to dread.
On Baucus! On Conrad! On Nelson! On Lincoln!*
Keep the good of this bill continually shrinkin'!

When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But Pres. Obama, whom the people hold dear.
The man with the stature to take blue dogs to task
Boldly proclaimed his strategy: "Give them whatever they ask."

The Repubs spread lies (believe it or not),

Labeling market competition a socialist plot.
"There're death panels," chirped Palin, as she posed for paparazzis,
And explained how health care was the goal of the Nazis.

But somehow despite the calumnious racket
This bill boasts insurance for 30 million who lack it.
Though not perfect, it's good, as I'm glad to report it,
So call your senator now (yes, right now) to support it.

On Christmas morning we'll cheer, hoping promises stick.

Merry Christmas to all, and please don't get sick.

To call or email your senator, follow this link. It is really, really easy.

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

*These Senate Democrats who have hindered health reform all have taken over $100,000 in campaign contributions from the insurance industry. Sen. Lieberman received $644,394 in his last campaign.

Lieberman Will Block Health Bill Unless Harry Reid Eats a Bug

WASHINGTON, DC- Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) first threatened to filibuster any health bill that included a public option. Though many reformers considered the public option the centerpiece of reform, Senate Democrats swiftly bowed to the Connecticut senator's wishes, offering a compromise of a Medicare "buy-in" for Americans aged 55-64.

Lieberman, who had previously supported the buy-in, then demanded that it be stripped from the bill as well. On Monday, Democrats complied. Now the independent senator is threatening to filibuster any health legislation that does not include a provision requiring Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) to eat a bug.

Although Lieberman took $644,394 from the insurance industry in his last campaign, and although his wife has worked as an insurance lobbyist, the senator maintains that he is not trying to block reform altogether. "Nobody wants health reform more than I do," he explains, "but it has to be fiscally responsible," adding, "and Harry has to eat a bug. That's only reasonable."

Senators Not Swayed by Massive Piles of Cash

WASHINGTON, DC- Five Democrats joined with Republicans on the Senate Finance Committee yesterday to shoot down a public health option. Although all five received substantial campaign contributions from the insurance industry, they insist this was not a factor in their vote.

"I'm doing what's best for America, not the insurance companies," explained Sen. Tom Carper (DE) in a statement issued while shining the shoes of a WellPoint executive. Despite the $233,000 he has taken from the insurance industry, he vowed that he is "not beholden to anyone."

"I'm just looking out for my constituents," Sen. Kent Conrad (ND) said, while washing a car for a Blue Cross executive. He vowed that the $233,625 he received from insurance companies did not influence his decision. Although North Dakota has one of the highest rates of uninsured citizens in the country, Conrad is convinced a public option would be bad for his state.

Sen. Blanche Lincoln (AR), who took $330,850 in insurance money, also had her constituents in mind when she voted against the public option. "A public option is not going to help the 17.5% of Arkansans who are uninsured," she insisted while running to pick up dry-cleaning for an Oxford executive.

Finance Committee Chairman, Sen. Max Baucus (MT), who led the fight against the public option, has received $558,075 from insurers. He also made a statement following the vote, however it was unintelligible, as he was fellating the CEO of UnitedHealth.