Fourth Horsemen of the Apocalypse Downsized Due to Budget Cuts

HEAVEN- In a joint press conference this week, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse announced that when they make their final charge across the world to bring about the end times, there will only be three of them. "We know the prophecies call for Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death," War told reporters, "but when you think about it, pestilence, war, and famine all cause death. We couldn't justify the expense of a fourth horsemen for death alone."

"Also," added Pestilence, "you all have syphilis now."

The need for budget cuts comes as a result of the housing market crash, as the Horsemen had become heavily invested in real estate over the past decade. "For a while we were doing so well, we were thinking of hiring a fifth Horseman," said Famine. "We weren't sure if it was going to be Halitosis or Celebrity-Has-Been-Reality-Competitions, but it was going to be something suitably appalling. But now we can barely afford horse feed."

As for Death, he announced that he is looking forward to

pursuing solo projects. He assured reporters that his job prospects are good, but added "if you hear of any openings, let me know. Seriously, I'll do anything."

How to Prepare for the Apocalypse

While the Horsemen declined to offer a specific date for the end of the world, Famine confided that Amazon.com's offer of no payment for twelve months on electronics is "a way better deal than you know." For those attempting to plan ahead, there is a new guide to making the best of a post-world world. Rob Kutner's Apocalypse How is chock full of tips on how to survive the unsurvivable.

As a writer for the Daily Show (a rival news organization), Kutner is an expert on dealing with utter catastrophe. The Inquisition ranks Apocalypse How as one of the top two books in print today to offer practical advice on what to do while being devoured by a band of irradiated flesh-eating mutants, the other of course being Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope (see the chapter on his early days in the Illinois Senate). Clearly both books are a must read.

Broadway Star Hopes for Big Break as Waiter

NEW YORK- Since he was a child, Tony Lamont has dreamt of being a waiter. "I remember the first time my parents took me to a restaurant," he recalls. "The servers were so handsome in their white shirts, and their attitude made it clear how superior they were to us non-waiters. Right away I knew that's what I wanted to be."

Although Lamont has been forced to take on "real jobs" as a leading man in major Broadway shows, he has not given up on his dream, studying tirelessly to be what's known as a "triple threat" waiter. "I know French service. I know my wines, and I can get behind the bar, too."

In his day job, Lamont may be doing something as mundane as a Chekhov monologue, or a Fosse dance number, but his heart remains focused on his goal, which seems to be drawing steadily closer. "Just last summer I booked my first job on Restaurant Row," says Lamont, beaming. "Okay, technically it was off-Restaurant Row. Actually off-off Restaurant Row." A moment later, he confesses, "Okay it was a soup kitchen, but you should have seen the reviews I got. The lady with that thing on her neck said I had real potential."

Lamont is confident his big break is just around the corner. "I won't be punching the clock at the theatre forever," he says confidently. "Right now you can see me in the Broadway revival of Carousel, but next year look for me at Le Cirque."

Jen Houston contributed to this report.

Inside Look at Annual Serial Killer Convention (video)

LOS ANGELES- Each year, the United Association of Serial Killers, Spree Killers, and Mass Murderers convenes in secret to network, share advances in the art and science of killing, and meet like-minded enthusiasts. Posing as a serial killer, the Inquisition's Milo Underwood went undercover to get this exclusive, behind-the-scenes peek into this year's convention.

Support this video at Funny or Die!

Inquisition Reporter Vanishes

LOS ANGELES- Immediately after filing a ground-breaking story on the Annual Serial Killer Convention, Inquisition reporter, Milo Underwood mysteriously disappeared. "Underwood is one of our finest reporters," said Inquisition Editor-In-Chief, Allan Piper. "I wholeheartedly want to reassure his family that whatever may have happened to our dear friend and colleague, the National Inquisition bears no legal or financial responsibility." Piper went on to add, "this is really bad timing, as [Underwood] would have been my first choice to investigate the mangled-beyond-recognition body recently discovered in his hotel room."

Anyone with knowledge of Underwood's whereabouts is encouraged to post the information as a comment, or contact the Inquisition directly at editor@nationalinquisition.com.

Recession Hits Philosophy Industry

NEW YORK- A philosophy degree once guaranteed a steady job with a big salary, but these days, even the most stable professions are taking a hit, as NYU philosophy major, Darren Jacobs is discovering. Eight months after graduating with honors for his thesis, A Phenomenological Refutation of Perceptual Reality," Jacobs still hasn't found work in his field. "A year ago, I never would've believed this," Jacobs laments. "I mean, who's ever heard of an unemployed philosopher?

Once merely a theoretical construct, the proposition of the unemployed philosopher is becoming empirical reality. Several Fortune 500 companies have stopped philosophical production altogether, while others have outsourced their philosophy departments. "We had to move our division to India," explains Heinrich Murmer, Ford Motor Company's Vice-President of Theoretical Reasoning. "Traditional western philosophy just couldn't compete with the harmony of eastern thought."

"We've seen the burst of the philosophy bubble," says freelance philosopher, Richard Nelson. "I used to buy up a hypothesis, add another level to it, upgrade it to a theorem and double my money. Now the bank's foreclosed on my Weltanschauung and I'm lucky if I can afford a simple opinion."

Nelson regrets having missed the early warning signs of a philosophy collapse. "I think the real paradigm shift began about the time we started hearing the phrase 'paradigm shift' everywhere. I mean if you're not an actual philosopher, and you're using the word 'paradigm,' something is really f----d up."

The downturn is most apparent in New York's philosophical district, where several deconstruction sites have had to shut down. "It really changes the neighborhood," says resident, Kristine Moss. "The deconstruction workers used to whistle when I walked by, and make comments about the social construction of the fetishized female form. But now there's just absence."

Major philosophical journals have taken a hit as well. Subscriptions are down for Maxim (which is named for the Kantian maxim, or "subjective principle of human actions"), FHM (which stands for Following Heidegger's Methodology), and Playboy (which has pictures of naked women in it).

The crash of the philosophy market has raised concerns in other traditionally stable industries. "There is true peril in the moment," warns M.C. Allan of the United Poetry Workers Union. "With the tightening of many elf-hammered belts, the dulcet voice of the Rubenesque Muse may cease to comfort the American people."

As for Jacobs, he has had to take a minimum wage job as a coffee barista while waiting for the economy to rebound. "As a Cartesian dualist, I keep reminding myself that the material properties of my existence, e.g. my crappy job and apartment, are irrelevant to the condition of my true self," Jacobs relates, "which is my faculty of reason." Returning attention to the soy chai latte he is preparing for this reporter, Jacobs adds "but the truth is, this f---ing sucks."