Saturday, January 31, 2009

Obama Annoyed by Volcano

WASHINGTON, DC- Volcanologists at the Alaska Volcano Observatory warned this week that Mount Redoubt, just 100 miles southwest of Anchorage, may soon erupt in what could be largest volcanic explosion on US soil in over twenty years. Upon being briefed on the danger, near the end of his first full week in office, President Barack Obama was reportedly irritated.

"Really?" the president is reported to have said, "Really? It's not enough that I inherit two wars and an economic meltdown. Does the earth have to be literally exploding under our feet? This is ridiculous."

In an unrelated crisis, the National Weather Services is warning that it soon will be raining "big buckets of crap" over most of the country. The White House has yet to release a statement.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Inside Look at Annual Serial Killer Convention (video)

LOS ANGELES- Each year, the United Association of Serial Killers, Spree Killers, and Mass Murderers convenes in secret to network, share advances in the art and science of killing, and meet like-minded enthusiasts. Posing as a serial killer, the Inquisition's Milo Underwood went undercover to get this exclusive, behind-the-scenes peek into this year's convention.

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Inquisition Reporter Vanishes

LOS ANGELES- Immediately after filing a ground-breaking story on the Annual Serial Killer Convention, Inquisition reporter, Milo Underwood mysteriously disappeared. "Underwood is one of our finest reporters," said Inquisition Editor-In-Chief, Allan Piper. "I wholeheartedly want to reassure his family that whatever may have happened to our dear friend and colleague, the National Inquisition bears no legal or financial responsibility." Piper went on to add, "this is really bad timing, as [Underwood] would have been my first choice to investigate the mangled-beyond-recognition body recently discovered in his hotel room."

Anyone with knowledge of Underwood's whereabouts is encouraged to post the information as a comment, or contact the Inquisition directly at

Friday, January 23, 2009

Recession Hits Philosophy Industry

NEW YORK- A philosophy degree once guaranteed a steady job with a big salary, but these days, even the most stable professions are taking a hit, as NYU philosophy major, Darren Jacobs is discovering. Eight months after graduating with honors for his thesis, A Phenomenological Refutation of Perceptual Reality," Jacobs still hasn't found work in his field. "A year ago, I never would've believed this," Jacobs laments. "I mean, who's ever heard of an unemployed philosopher?

Once merely a theoretical construct, the proposition of the unemployed philosopher is becoming empirical reality. Several Fortune 500 companies have stopped philosophical production altogether, while others have outsourced their philosophy departments. "We had to move our division to India," explains Heinrich Murmer, Ford Motor Company's Vice-President of Theoretical Reasoning. "Traditional western philosophy just couldn't compete with the harmony of eastern thought."

"We've seen the burst of the philosophy bubble," says freelance philosopher, Richard Nelson. "I used to buy up a hypothesis, add another level to it, upgrade it to a theorem and double my money. Now the bank's foreclosed on my Weltanschauung and I'm lucky if I can afford a simple opinion."

Nelson regrets having missed the early warning signs of a philosophy collapse. "I think the real paradigm shift began about the time we started hearing the phrase 'paradigm shift' everywhere. I mean if you're not an actual philosopher, and you're using the word 'paradigm,' something is really f----d up."

The downturn is most apparent in New York's philosophical district, where several deconstruction sites have had to shut down. "It really changes the neighborhood," says resident, Kristine Moss. "The deconstruction workers used to whistle when I walked by, and make comments about the social construction of the fetishized female form. But now there's just absence."

Major philosophical journals have taken a hit as well. Subscriptions are down for Maxim (which is named for the Kantian maxim, or "subjective principle of human actions"), FHM (which stands for Following Heidegger's Methodology), and Playboy (which has pictures of naked women in it).

The crash of the philosophy market has raised concerns in other traditionally stable industries. "There is true peril in the moment," warns M.C. Allan of the United Poetry Workers Union. "With the tightening of many elf-hammered belts, the dulcet voice of the Rubenesque Muse may cease to comfort the American people."

As for Jacobs, he has had to take a minimum wage job as a coffee barista while waiting for the economy to rebound. "As a Cartesian dualist, I keep reminding myself that the material properties of my existence, e.g. my crappy job and apartment, are irrelevant to the condition of my true self," Jacobs relates, "which is my faculty of reason." Returning attention to the soy chai latte he is preparing for this reporter, Jacobs adds "but the truth is, this f---ing sucks."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Homeland Security Initiates Wild Goose Chase

NEW YORK-- The forced water-landing of US Airways Flight #1549 in the Hudson River last week calls attention to a new enemy in the war on terror. Homeland Security officials confirm that the double engine failure of the Airbus A320 appears to have been the work of a bird, or more likely, a conspiracy of multiple birds. Geese are the prime suspects, as several large flocks are known to have been operating in the area.

Although birds have been linked to the spread of the avian flu pandemic and the soiling of countless newly washed cars, they have flown largely below the radar of the intelligence community. "We've been so focused on terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan, we've forgotten that the largest network of Canadian Geese is just across the border," a CIA spokesperson said, "in Mexico." Although the Department of Defense has been working on a long-range catapult, designed to kill two birds with one stone, test so far only have resulted in the accidental destruction of several nearby glass houses.

On the municipal level, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced the creation of an NYPD Bird Task Force, a move that has ruffled feathers among avian activists like Carla Rhodes, founder of the radical online journal, Bird of the Day.

"Birds are watching us with their lizard eyes and are ready to strike," Rhodes concedes, "but they're so cute and fluffy - we should just let them get away with it."

Other New York bird lovers are advocating civil disobedience. Despite new MTA regulations banning birds on subways, commuter rail, and ferries, rooster owner, Chad Johnson says he still plans to take his cock out every chance he gets.

While the strike on Flight #1549 appears to have been a suicide attack, Homeland Security officials believe that the planners of the offensive may still be at large, and urge citizens to be on the lookout for suspicious bird activity.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Bush Looks for One Last Thing to F*** Up

WASHINGTON, DC. With just over forty-eight hours left to his presidency, George W. Bush has been thinking about his legacy. When he was first elected, the nation was experiencing an economic boom, a nearly six-trillion dollar budget surplus, domestic tranquility, and seemed to be making substantial progress in brokering middle-east peace. "Those are terrible conditions for being in the White House," President Bush explained in an exclusive interview with the Inquisition. "It's boring. It's what they call in the business, 'bad tv.'"

Despite such inauspicious circumstances, Bush has managed to preside over the largest attack ever on US soil, two wars that have cost the lives of nearly five-thousand American soldiers and an untold number of civilians, a pre-Magna Carta era policy on civil liberties, the destruction of an entire US city, the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, a growing national debt so large that mathematicians may soon need to invent new numbers to quantify it, a collapse of the Israeli-Palestinian ceasefire, a strengthened Al Qaeda, a nuclear-armed North Korea, a breakdown of diplomatic relations with our allies, a critically damaged environment, and even a tri-continental plague of locusts in 2004 (this is literally true-- look it up).

Even in light of these achievements, the president who called himself the Decider, is concerned that history may not be kind to him. "My presidency has been what the queen of England would call an 'annus horribilis,' or 'a horrible anus,'" the president explained, "but I don't know if it's enough to make it stick in the books." Bush compared himself to King Jehoram of Israel. "When he was president, things got so bad, mothers ate their own babies. We haven't seen anything even close to that," adding, "yet."

The president has not given up hope that in these last two days he can accomplish one final catastrophe. "When I owned the Texas Rangers," he said, "I told them, as long as there's time on the clock, you just keep running with the ball. I've still got the nuclear strike codes, and I'm not ruling anything off the table."

No matter what the president is able to accomplish in his final hours, he is sure to leave office with some regrets. "I was really hoping for a global zombie epidemic," he said with a sigh, "but it looks like it's just not going to happen."

Friday, January 16, 2009

Obama Urged to Be Less Awesome

WASHINGTON, DC. As many as five million spectators may arrive in the capital on Tuesday for Barack Obama's inauguration, possibly the largest crowd ever to assemble in Washington. Amid growing fears that such a massive assembly may pose a serious safety hazard, supporters and critics alike are urging the President-elect to "be less awesome."

"There is a finite number of people that can fit in DC at one time," explains Major General Richard Rowe, Chairman of the Armed Forces Inaugural Committee, "and unfortunately someone as completely and totally cool as Obama is bound to attract bigger crowds than the city can accommodate." Geologists even fear that such a sudden mass human influx on the Mid-Atlantic coast could tip the entire North American continent over, flinging west coast cities at Europe, like a catapult.

The problem is that the Illinois Democrat is tragically likable, as the fans already gathering on the National Mall are eager to attest. "Okay, I'm not gay," explained Mark Water, who traveled from Ohio to see the swearing-in, "but I would totally have sex with Obama," adding, "over and over. In every position imaginable."

"My husband acted all indignant when I tattooed 'hot for Barack' on my ass," said Cyndi McCain, an Obama-supporter from Arizona, "but secretly I think he's into it."

In a last-minute attempt to reduce inaugural attendance, the Obama team has been making changes to the planned ceremony. The only band allowed to march will now be Nickleback, the swearing-in will be performed by Billy Mays-- best known as the annoying, shouty guy from the Oxy-Clean ads, and the new president's inaugural address will be a two-hour discussion of what his friends are doing on Facebook.

Critics argue that these steps are insufficient to address the impending crisis. "If he's serious about reducing turnout on Tuesday, he's going to have to take real action" said Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, "like publicly strangling a puppy, or starting a meaningless war." An Obama spokesperson states that while such measures have not been ruled out, the President-elect is first "exploring other options."

Since announcing his intent to reduce his own popularity, President-elect Obama's approval rating has gone up six points.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Inquisition Exposes False Advertising

"No rules, just right" is the slogan of the popular food chain, Outback Steakhouse. However, our undercover team discovered that the Australian- themed restaurant in fact has and enforces many, many rules, addressing a wide variety of topics, including what is and is not appropriate dining attire, whether outside food may be brought into the restaurant, how loudly diners may sing while in the restaurant, whether it is permissible to fling food (or other objects) at other customers, whether diners may attempt to operate a business inside the restaurant (such as a lemonade stand or an adult film shoot), and what animals may be brought into/and or released in large numbers within the restaurant (especially with regard to snakes).

In restaurant locations throughout the northeast, our team uncovered no fewer than six-hundred-seventy-three rules whichwhen violated, result in immediate and forcible removal from the establishment. An ongoing lawsuit prevents a more detailed report.

Fad Diets Stay Strong in Weak Economy (video)

NEW YORK. Jen Houston reports on the latest weight-loss craze.
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