Republicans Don't Ever Want to Get Laid Again

As Republican men increasingly come out against birth control in any form, defund Planned Parenthood, make rape harder to prosecute, criminalize miscarriage, require women to have random objects jammed into their vaginas, and even denounce the Girl Scouts as a "radical organization, they are sending a clear message to women across the country: they do not ever want to have sex again. 

Nevertheless, as evidenced by Mitt Romney's five children and Rick Santorum's seven, some women are still having sex with Republicans, even those as strangely misshapen as Newt Gingrich. According to Irwin Kram of the Factual American Research Trust (FART), women's insistence on engaging in unnatural Republican sex defiles the purity of GOP values. "Since Republicans have declared abstinence the only acceptable form of birth control, women must respect that belief by abstaining from sex with them."

"Ideally," says Kram, "women should not have sex with anyone. If God intended us to have sex for pleasure, he certainly wouldn't have made it the most physically pleasurable thing we could possibly do." If women absolutely must have sex, Kram urges them not to lead God-fearing Republicans into sin, but to instead settle for godless Democrats like George Clooney or Dennis Kucinich.  

Winning War on Terror Another Failure for Obama

Pres. Obama drew criticism from his detractors this week over the strike that killed Osama bin Laden. "The fact that Obama delivered on a promise that Bush was unable to keep," said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), "is proof that this president has no ideas of his own."

Former reality TV star, Sarah Palin complained that it was cowardly to send in Navy SEALS. "A real leader would have personally engaged bin Laden in hand-to-hand combat," she said, adding "I'm a martial arts expert myself, you know. I must have watched Kung Fu Panda fifteen times."

Conspiracy theorist, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) found the whole matter suspicious. "Isn't it funny that the president knew exactly where to find bin Laden?" she asked. "Now I'm not suggesting that Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along, but what if Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along?"

Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump also suspected conspiracy. "The whole thing is just a diversion from the fact that Obama is an illegal alien… or possibly a space alien. Have you noticed he and E.T. have never been in a room at the same time?"

The next question becomes whether the White House will release photos of the Al Qaeda leader's body. "Withholding these photos is proof that Obama has more respect for terrorists than for the American people, and it means the terrorists win" said Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART). "Unless of course he does release them, in which case he's making a martyr of bin Laden and the terrorists win. Either way, it's a sad day for America."

The Real American History

by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week the liberal media jumped all over Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) just because she got confused about where the American Revolution started. Like Ms. Bachmann, I homeschool my children, so I am happy to clear up American history.

The "shot heard round the world" was fired

not in New Hampshire, as Ms. Bachmann understandably thought, but in Williamsburg, VA. It was heard round the world because Benjamin Franklin invented the ham radio by tying a ham to a kite in a thunderstorm.

We threw off the shackles of socialism and defeated the British, who at that time were Muslim extremists. Afterwards, James Madison came down from Mt. Rushmore with two stone tablets containing the Constitution, as dictated by God.

All went smoothly until 1929, when FDR founded the Democrat Party. We immediately entered the Great Depression and Nazis tried to take over the world. We defeated the Nazis when a young Ronald Reagan took Hitler down in hand-to-hand combat.

In 1961, Barack Obama was born (allegedly in the US) and things took an immediate turn for the worse: sex, drugs, and a loss of American values.

Pres. George W. Bush succeeded in restoring American honor, kept us safe from terrorist attack, and was so successful at eradicating Iraqi WMDs that not a trace of them were ever found. Then in 2004, Obama was elected to the Senate and the economy begin to tank.

Today, Obama is President and is working to undo all that America has accomplished, taking us back to where we were over two hundred years ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth. His wasteful "stimulus" package contained money to save the jobs of over 200,000 teachers, who (as I have just demonstrated) we don't even need.

NPR Exec Commits Crime of Independent Thought

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week an NPR executive was secretly filmed expressing his private, personal opinion that Tea Party members are racist. Naturally, NPR's chief executive needed to resign by the end of the week, as holding such an opinion runs counter to the fundamental responsibility of journalism, which is to make the Tea Party look awesome.

Teabaggers are not racists. They are a cross section of America, from a wide variety of Christian faiths, whose skin-color spans every possible shade of white. They are motivated not by bigotry, but a profound love for this country and the understandable desire to lynch a black president.

But this is not about the Tea Party. It's about journalism. It is simply a crime for a member of a news organization to have an independent thought about a story-- unless the story is NPR, such as when Fox News Chief Roger Ailes called NPR executives Nazis. Of course this was not so much an opinion as a statement of fact. We all know there is a very fine line between launching a war for total world domination and issuing a commemorative tote bag.

A true journalist must be a mindless automaton, merely regurgitating the talking points of either side. This is why the Inquisition has replaced most of its human staff with an army of robots. The new News Director is pictured below. I have been assured that he has spinning razor blades for hands not for any nefarious purpose, but just to facilitate the editorial process.

Supporting American Workers is Un-American

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

A fight for American values is taking place in Wisconsin. Gov. Scott Walker is valiantly working to dismantle his state's unions while an unruly mob of arugula-latte sipping elitists are trying to stop him. A hundred years ago this was a nation of workers. The economy was so good, there were more children in the workforce than in school. There were just that many jobs! Then the unions ruined everything. As long as unions insist that workers get paid a living wage in actual money, of course the jobs will go to China, where you can buy a day's labor with a bowl of noodles. Those should be American workers getting paid in noodles!

Sure, it would be great to pay all workers a living wage, but the money for that just doesn't exist. Theoretically it could, since in the past twenty years, US GDP has grown at an average 2.6% and the population has only grown at 1.09%. However, you have to factor in CEO pay, which rose nearly 300% over the same period (see chart below). And with good reason! Today's CEO's are technologically superior to the obsolete CEOs of the past. Reducing their compensation or (God forbid!) increasing their taxes are ideas so radical, they cannot even be discussed.

The real solution to balancing our budgets and creating jobs is to return to the values of our founding fathers, who recognized that paying workers at all is un-American. They built this nation by the labor of a vast, unpaid workforce. As long as there was no pay, there were plenty of jobs to go around. Until 1862, African-Americans enjoyed a 100% employment rate. Talk about affirmative action!

Unions threaten America, not necessarily with a redistribution of wealth, but at least with a socialist redistribution of dignity. Unions insidiously demand dignity, not just for those whom God has selected for wealth and power, but dignity for every worker and every American. That is the essence of liberal elitism, and it must be stopped.

US Constitution is Unconstitutional!

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

At teabagging rallies across the country, the battle cry is always about protecting the Constitution. That's why the liberal media was thrilled to jump all over Senate candidate and self-proclaimed constitutional scholar, Christine O'Donnell when she revealed that she does not know or believe that the First Amendment establishes the separation of church and state.

Likewise, liberals have demonized another tea party Senate candidate, Joe Miller of Alaska. Miller, who has built his campaign on the message that Democrats are taking away our freedoms, supposedly violated the First Amendment's freedom of the press and the Fourth Amendment's freedom from unlawful search and seizure by having a reporter forcibly removed, handcuffed, and detained for asking questions at a campaign event in a public school.

What liberals don't get is that the First Amendment and the Fourth Amendment are themselves unconstitutional! So is the Seventh Amendment, which requires a trial by jury even for terrorists. It's the very freedoms in the Bill of Rights that are the biggest threat to our freedom.

You see, the Constitution isn't a document. It's a gut feeling. No one can define what the Constitution is, but real patriots know it when they see it-- just like pornography-- which of course brings us to Sarah Palin.

Citizen Sarah is touring the nation with the Tea Party Express this week, railing against Obama's big taxes. Now the Democrats will tell you that Obama didn't raise taxes. Technically, he cut taxes for 95% of Americans. But in your gut, doesn't it feel like he raised them? Don't be fooled by the specific numbers on your paycheck, and how they're bigger numbers than they were before. Instead, go with your gut-- which brings me to my final point.

Not only should you trust your gut, but on Nov. 2 you should just sit on the couch and pat your gut. If you want Tea Party candidates to take over Congress and protect our Constitution by protecting us from the Constitution, the best thing you can do is not vote. In Nevada, we're even running ads telling people not to vote. As long as enough people stay home, we've got this one covered. And there is so much good TV on Tuesday nights. If there are long lines at the polls you could miss Glee. In these uncertain times, that's a risk you cannot afford to take. Just stay home and get some rest. It's better for your constitution.

Stop the Government Takeover of Congress!

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Today, House Republicans announced a "Pledge to America," promising to protect us from "an out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites." While technically speaking, these elites were appointed by a majority of the US electorate, they pose a dire threat to our Constitutional liberties. Free elections only work if when the wrong people get elected, they aren't allowed to govern. But Democrats refuse to admit that the voters were wrong, and have insisted on trying to govern anyway.

The Left has become so radical, it believes it's the government's job to make, interpret, and enforce the law. Well we the people have had enough, which is why more than 67,000 of us have joined the teabagging movement. That's nearly 0.02% of the US population, and roughly 97% of political news coverage!

But despite the appeal of ex-witch, anti-masturbation activists, voters don't need to abandon traditional Republicans to protect their freedoms. Senate Republicans have not gotten enough credit for their heroic use of the filibuster. In the three years since Democrats took control of the Senate, Republicans have mounted more filibusters than in all the years of the previous decade combined. They have protected the federal courts from being taken over by federally appointed judges, blocking a record 57% of Pres. Obama's judicial nominees, and have successfully stopped over 420 bills!

With the filibuster now a default position, Republicans need only 41 votes to defeat the 59 Democrats. This week's attempted repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell lost with 56 votes for and only 43 against. That's not just a revolution in politics, it's a revolution in math! But of course the liberal media doesn't celebrate this as historically unprecedented. They just treat it as politics as usual.

In the past three months alone, Republican senators have filibustered tax cuts, jobs bills, unemployment, even FAA safety regulations (because if the founding fathers had wanted government to regulate air travel, they would have specifically said so). Congressional Republicans understand that the Constitution limits the role of government to regulating who can marry whom and where people can worship, and they're determined to make sure it does nothing else. Anything beyond that would be un-American.

Public Option Cola?

Conservative pundit, Irwin Kram believes a healthcare public option is the first step to socialism. The next step, he believes, is a vast liberal soft drink conspiracy. Jen Houston has this story.

Public Option Cola - watch more funny videos

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Yohei Kawamata, Stephen Mosher, and Marci Reid contributed to this report.

God Rains on Gay Pride

NEW YORK - Gay Pride Week got off to a rainy start this weekend. Irwin Kram, of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation, offers his own explanation of the weather in his video blog.

Click here to view larger.

Miraculous New Device: It's a Bible AND a Gun!

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Yesterday, Kansas abortion doctor George Tiller was shot to death while serving as an usher in his church. Click here to read the CNN.com story.

As a senior fellow at the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation, I have been an outspoken opponent of abortion, but even I will admit that the act of shooting a man in church poses a deep philosophical problem. On the one hand, you don't want to go to church without your Bible. On the other, you don't want something else in your hands that can interfere with your aim. That's why I'm happy to introduce the Ezekiel 2517. It's a Bible and a gun.

This dual use device was invented by a conservative biblical scholar who discovered that if you cut out all the Bible's annoying references to showing compassion, not judging people, and loving your enemies, there's enough room left over to fit an entire semiautomatic weapon. And with an easy to use dictionary concordance/spare cartridge holder, it takes just seconds to reload and/or find the perfect passage to justify your assault.

If Jesus had access to this sort of weapon, he wouldn't have been the Prince of Peace, he would have been the Prince of the Concealed Piece, and when the high priest struck him across the face, instead of turning the other cheek, he would have pulled out this gun and said, "Eat lead, motherf--ker!" Not only would he have been spared the crucifixion, but The Passion of the Christ would have been a way more exciting action movie.

Unfortunately, we can be sure that the liberal elite will do everything they can to block the sale of this new invention. They hate guns almost as much as they hate Bibles. And with the Obama administration attempting to force a radical judicial activist onto the Supreme Court, our freedoms and values are more in jeopardy than ever. If Sotomayor does manage to get confirmed, we can only hope Chief Justice Roberts has one of these babies handy when it comes time to "swear her in."

Editorial: Kenneth Starr, Defender of Morality

by Irwin Kram

Just over a decade ago, Kenneth Starr led the good fight against the debauchery of our libertine "president," Bill Clinton. Starr's $30 million investigation into allegations of conspiracy, fraud, and even murder turned up none of those things, but what it did reveal was much darker: oral sex. No matter how many times I read and re-read Starr's graphic descriptions of Clinton's lewd acts, I was continually disgusted-- but grateful to see the crimes of the Democrat leader sucked out into the light of day.

This week, Starr is once again leading the cause against immorality. Yesterday he stood before the California Supreme Court arguing in defense of Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage in California. Californians voted for Prop 8 fair and square, but radical gay activists are trying to get the Court to overturn it. If they succeed, Starr argued, they will be taking away Californians' basic human right to take away other people's rights.

Starr gets it. As a Christian fundamentalist, he understands that the Bible clearly defines marriage as between one man and only as many women as he can afford to maintain. The Bible is also clear about what is not marriage, which is why although a man may father as many children with his slave-girl as she can bear, what exists between them can never be a marriage.

Now this is where the liberal media just loves to jump in and call opponents of gay marriage "homophobic," as if we were the ones who wrote God's law. Given the choice, I'm sure all good Christian men would rather have sex with other men, but that's not our decision. You can't just pick and choose which of God's laws you're going to follow and which you aren't (except of course for the ones that are obviously silly, like not being allowed to wear a garment of two different fabrics, or having to help the poor).

Standing before the justices yesterday, his silver hair glistening like a halo of holiness, Starr resembled a white knight, charging against the evils of sodomy and licentiousness, thrusting forward ever harder on his white steed, his sweat mingling with the horse's. I know that as he has ever done, Starr will chase down the spectre of immorality, drive his firm sword deep, deep into his foe's soft flesh, then force him to his knees before him, making him to swallow the sweet, syrupy nectar of righteousness. If we are lucky, he will write another detailed book about it.