'Poor Tax' Is Deficit Solution

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Yesterday, Pres. Obama showed that his deficit plan is just the Democrats' answer to everything: tax the rich. What he doesn't understand is that by taxing the rich you'll discourage people from getting rich in the first place. It's hard work to become a billionaire. Most spend half their lives as struggling millionaires before inheriting the rest from their parents. If you force them to pay an extra 0.0001% of each billion (which is almost as much as the president is asking for), most would-be billionaires are going to check out and say "what's the point?"

Instead of punishing people for being rich, we need a tax incentive that will make them think twice before deciding to be poor. A targeted "Poor Tax" is the only answer. Some would argue that the current GOP budget plan (which proposes cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Head Start, Pell Grants, unemployment, food stamps, housing aid, public schools, and other social services while simultaneously cutting taxes for the wealthiest) already shifts the costs of society onto its poorest members. I say it is not nearly enough.

Let's not forget who's really responsible for the economic downturn. People like to blame the bankers and fat cats, but if so many middle class Americans hadn't gotten so poor so fast, there would be no economic downturn. It's only fitting they should pay their fair share.

Red States, We Need to Talk

an editorial by the Blue States

It's time we face it. This isn't working out. All we ever do is argue, and it's just getting worse. It's time we finally went our separate ways.

I realized it was over between us this week, when you continued to filibuster the 9/11 health bill, which would pay for medical care for sick 9/11 first responders. Do you remember 9/11? There was that brief moment when it brought us closer together. You still talk about 9/11 all the time, but you know what? It didn't happen to you. It happened to me. And now you're just punishing me over it.

I remember when we first met. We were both still in an abusive relationship with England and we used to stay up all night talking about freedom. It was hot. I was a little skeeved out by the fact that you owned slaves, but I thought I could change you.

But the fact is, we want different things. I want universal single-payer health care and sweeping energy reform. You want to privatize social security and ban abortion. As long as we're together, neither of us is going to have our needs met.

So what are we staying together for? The sake of the children? 22% of our children live in poverty, and you won't let me do anything about because you say we can't afford to. And maybe we can't afford to feed the kids, but that's only because of your gambling debts.

Now with any break up, there's bound to be some quarreling over who gets what. I know you're going to want all the nukes, and while I don't really want them, I don't want you to have them because you get in fights a lot, especially when you've been drinking. But somehow we'll work it out.

We've had a good run. 234 years is longer than a lot of countries stay together. And once we're not fighting all the time, we can look back fondly on all the great things we did together. We'll always have liberating Paris.

Cold Day Disproves 'Global Warming'

by Dr. Burt Anaru of the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

It was Fox News who first alerted the nation to the dangerous onset of "global cooling." In a January 11 story, Fox quoted renowned climatologist Mojib Latif of the Leibniz Institute as warning that "a mini ice age" was coming upon us.

The fact that Latif denies ever speaking to Fox, and claims that the quotes were completely made up in no way discredits Fox's reporting. The evidence supporting global cooling is irrefutable. It's freaking cold today. Have you been outside?

The alarming trend of colder temperatures goes beyond just today's weather. Across the entire northern hemisphere, temperatures have been dropping for the past six months. High temperatures in every major city are on average forty degrees colder than they were just last July.

Also, the sun disappears below the horizon earlier than it did in July, and re-emerges later on the other side, prompting fears that one day it might not come back at all. As every scientist recognizes, the longer the sun spends under the earth, the greater the chances it will be swallowed by one of the dragons that live just over the edge of the world.

So how do we respond to the threat of global cooling? The only responsible solution is to burn fossil fuels like crazy-- not because this has the power to raise the earth's temperature (the jury's still out on that one), but because God loves it when we burn stuff, and may show mercy upon us. If we commit ourselves today to the nonstop burning of oil, coal, and the occasional sacrificial virgin, I believe we can virtually guaranty that temperatures will begin to rise again by March, or April at the latest.

A Thanksgiving Message from the Inquisition

Nearly four hundred years ago, our forefathers sat down for Thanksgiving dinner in what was America's first multicultural celebration. The Native Americans introduced the Pilgrims to new foods and agricultural practices. And in the spirit of brotherhood, the settlers gave their new indigenous friends smallpox, syphilis, and a variety of other stylish European diseases. Without help from the Native Americans, the Pilgrims probably would not have survived their first winter. And without the Pilgrims' civilizing influence, America would still be a place where beautiful women just walk around topless, and no one wants that.

Therefore, it is right and fitting that we commemorate this day with the beautiful, American tradition of eating until we feel sick, acknowledging with prayerful reflection how we grew from a rag-tag band of malnourished colonists to become the proud nation that today is home to the fattest people in the world. May this day find you filled with peace, friendship, and and as much turkey as you can possibly hold down.

Terrorists Do Not Have Super Powers

Editorial by the Infamous Professor Fear
The Infamous Prof. Fear is a world renowned super-villain. He is also Dean of the Fear Academy for Super-Villains in Training.

I'm sick of hearing people suggest that it's "too dangerous" to put the 9/11 terrorists on trial in New York, as if somehow their very presence on US soil will cause a disaster. Now if, like my friend and colleague Dr. Plutonium, they had nuclear reactors in their stomachs, and their burps and farts were atomic blasts, I could see being afraid to bring them here (or to any country that serves fast food), but these are mere mortal mass murderers.

Likewise, I am vexed by the objections to moving Guantanamo detainees to supermax prisons. This week, Senate candidate, Mark Kirk claimed that if suspected terrorists are brought to Illinois' Thomson Correctional Center, "the Chicago metropolitan area will become ground zero for Jihadist terror plots."

Please, it's maximum security. If it's good enough for mobsters, and killers who chop people up and eat them, it's good enough for a wannabe shoe-bomber. Let me tell you from personal experience, even if you have a mind-control ray, an army of mutant henchmen, and have already replaced most of the guards with android lookalikes, it is very, very hard to break out of prison.

And really, what are the other options? Place them in suspended animation and launch them into space? Too expensive. Banish them to a parallel dimension? Yeah, people in parallel dimensions just love it when we send them our super-villains. Talk about a foreign relations nightmare!

What I find most surprising is the suggestion that it would be better to execute terrorists without trial. Rounding up people and killing them is not how America deals with it's enemies; it's how I deal with my enemies. The supposed leader of the free world can't just adopt the practices of a super-villain. There are union rules against it. Be warned, America; should you abandon your founding principles of due legal process, I will do nothing short of filing a complaint with the Super-Villains Guild, and not even Pres. Obama will be able to stop me. Muhahahaha!

God Rains on Gay Pride

NEW YORK - Gay Pride Week got off to a rainy start this weekend. Irwin Kram, of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation, offers his own explanation of the weather in his video blog.

Click here to view larger.

Bill O'Reilly Should Not Be Shot and Killed

Editorial by Allan Piper

Critics of Bill O'Reilly believe he bears responsibility for the death of George Tiller. Tiller, a Kansas doctor who performed women's health services including abortion, was gunned down in his church on Sunday. Although Bill O'Reilly was not the gunman, he was behind a personal attack campaign against Tiller, whom he named on twenty-nine episodes of his show, calling him "Tiller the Baby Killer."

It is important to note, that while Bill O'Reilly called Tiller a murderer, made baseless accusations of child-rape against him, and compared him to a Nazi, he did not specifically ask anyone in his audience to kill him. Sure, in the twenty-nine times he featured Tiller, Bill O'Reilly may have referred to Tiller's clinic as a "death mill;" he may have railed that the law would not stop Tiller but that "Judgment Day" would; he may have said that Tiller's continued existence was "a disgrace upon everyone who lives in Kansas;" he may have gone even as far as to say that anyone who did not do something to stop Tiller "has blood on their hands," but never once did he explicitly call for an assassination.

For this reason, we at the Inquisition want to make it very clear that we are not calling for the retributive assassination of Bill O'Reilly. That would be wrong. In no way would we ever suggest that anyone should go buy a rifle or shotgun (which can be purchased without a waiting period at sporting goods stores in most states), proceed to the Fox News studio (which is located at 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY) and shoot Bill the Killer O'Reilly at close range in the head (which has a greater likelihood of fatality than in the chest).

Even though Bill O'Reilly virtually baited his audience into taking matters into their own hands, and even though a vigilante gun-death is the only justice he is ever likely to face, killing him would be a crime, just like running a red light late at night, or failing to report tips on your tax return. Sure, you would be hailed as a hero by many, and you might well save the lives of countless innocent people Bill O'Reilly has yet to attack, but it would be wrong. Whatever you do, PLEASE DO not KILL BILL O'REILLY.

I don't know if we can make it any more clear.

Miraculous New Device: It's a Bible AND a Gun!

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Yesterday, Kansas abortion doctor George Tiller was shot to death while serving as an usher in his church. Click here to read the CNN.com story.

As a senior fellow at the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation, I have been an outspoken opponent of abortion, but even I will admit that the act of shooting a man in church poses a deep philosophical problem. On the one hand, you don't want to go to church without your Bible. On the other, you don't want something else in your hands that can interfere with your aim. That's why I'm happy to introduce the Ezekiel 2517. It's a Bible and a gun.

This dual use device was invented by a conservative biblical scholar who discovered that if you cut out all the Bible's annoying references to showing compassion, not judging people, and loving your enemies, there's enough room left over to fit an entire semiautomatic weapon. And with an easy to use dictionary concordance/spare cartridge holder, it takes just seconds to reload and/or find the perfect passage to justify your assault.

If Jesus had access to this sort of weapon, he wouldn't have been the Prince of Peace, he would have been the Prince of the Concealed Piece, and when the high priest struck him across the face, instead of turning the other cheek, he would have pulled out this gun and said, "Eat lead, motherf--ker!" Not only would he have been spared the crucifixion, but The Passion of the Christ would have been a way more exciting action movie.

Unfortunately, we can be sure that the liberal elite will do everything they can to block the sale of this new invention. They hate guns almost as much as they hate Bibles. And with the Obama administration attempting to force a radical judicial activist onto the Supreme Court, our freedoms and values are more in jeopardy than ever. If Sotomayor does manage to get confirmed, we can only hope Chief Justice Roberts has one of these babies handy when it comes time to "swear her in."

Americans Not Homophobic, We Just Prefer Crap

Editorial by Allan Piper

The victory of Kris Allen over Adam Lambert on American Idol this week has spawned a flurry of criticism that Lambert lost because he is gay. It is the opinion of the National Inquisition that he lost simply because given a choice between a quality product and a piece of s--t, Americans habitually choose the latter. Let's not forget that the first honor accorded to the Idol winner was the chance to release the single "No Boundaries." This execrable overture of overblown mixed metaphors and high pitched shrieking is the kind of song the FBI uses to break the spirit of a holed-up hostage taker, but today it is #2 on iTunes.

We have a history of selecting inferior goods. We (allegedly) elected George Bush twice. In 2004, with nearly 2,000 American soldiers killed in a meaningless war and habeas corpus suspended, we said "Ooh, you know what would be great? More of this!"

It is sadly true that America has no shortage of homophobes, but our love of crap transcends the bounds of bigotry. The daily sale of 47 million McDonald's hamburgers has never been hurt by the fact that Ronald is gay (You didn't know? Come on, in all these years, when have you ever seen him with anyone other than his longtime companion, Grimace). And you can be sure that when Night at the Museum 2 clobbers the Noel Coward comedy of manners, Easy Virtue at the box office this weekend, it's not because we can't tell Englishmen from gay men, it's because we'd simply rather watch Ben Stiller get beat up by a monkey.

What's beautiful about America is that the love of crap that unites us is greater than what divides us. Whether it's gay crap like Isaac Mizrahi's Project Runway knockoff, black crap like the new Wayans brothers movie, or disabled crap like the songs of Andrea Bocelli, it's all part of one big bowl of crap that makes us who we are. This Memorial Day Weekend, let us tear ourselves away from the Bridezillas marathon on WE for just a moment, to pour ourselves a 40 ounce cup of Diet Coke and drink a toast to our common values.

Editorial: Kenneth Starr, Defender of Morality

by Irwin Kram

Just over a decade ago, Kenneth Starr led the good fight against the debauchery of our libertine "president," Bill Clinton. Starr's $30 million investigation into allegations of conspiracy, fraud, and even murder turned up none of those things, but what it did reveal was much darker: oral sex. No matter how many times I read and re-read Starr's graphic descriptions of Clinton's lewd acts, I was continually disgusted-- but grateful to see the crimes of the Democrat leader sucked out into the light of day.

This week, Starr is once again leading the cause against immorality. Yesterday he stood before the California Supreme Court arguing in defense of Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage in California. Californians voted for Prop 8 fair and square, but radical gay activists are trying to get the Court to overturn it. If they succeed, Starr argued, they will be taking away Californians' basic human right to take away other people's rights.

Starr gets it. As a Christian fundamentalist, he understands that the Bible clearly defines marriage as between one man and only as many women as he can afford to maintain. The Bible is also clear about what is not marriage, which is why although a man may father as many children with his slave-girl as she can bear, what exists between them can never be a marriage.

Now this is where the liberal media just loves to jump in and call opponents of gay marriage "homophobic," as if we were the ones who wrote God's law. Given the choice, I'm sure all good Christian men would rather have sex with other men, but that's not our decision. You can't just pick and choose which of God's laws you're going to follow and which you aren't (except of course for the ones that are obviously silly, like not being allowed to wear a garment of two different fabrics, or having to help the poor).

Standing before the justices yesterday, his silver hair glistening like a halo of holiness, Starr resembled a white knight, charging against the evils of sodomy and licentiousness, thrusting forward ever harder on his white steed, his sweat mingling with the horse's. I know that as he has ever done, Starr will chase down the spectre of immorality, drive his firm sword deep, deep into his foe's soft flesh, then force him to his knees before him, making him to swallow the sweet, syrupy nectar of righteousness. If we are lucky, he will write another detailed book about it.