Republicans Don't Ever Want to Get Laid Again

As Republican men increasingly come out against birth control in any form, defund Planned Parenthood, make rape harder to prosecute, criminalize miscarriage, require women to have random objects jammed into their vaginas, and even denounce the Girl Scouts as a "radical organization, they are sending a clear message to women across the country: they do not ever want to have sex again. 

Nevertheless, as evidenced by Mitt Romney's five children and Rick Santorum's seven, some women are still having sex with Republicans, even those as strangely misshapen as Newt Gingrich. According to Irwin Kram of the Factual American Research Trust (FART), women's insistence on engaging in unnatural Republican sex defiles the purity of GOP values. "Since Republicans have declared abstinence the only acceptable form of birth control, women must respect that belief by abstaining from sex with them."

"Ideally," says Kram, "women should not have sex with anyone. If God intended us to have sex for pleasure, he certainly wouldn't have made it the most physically pleasurable thing we could possibly do." If women absolutely must have sex, Kram urges them not to lead God-fearing Republicans into sin, but to instead settle for godless Democrats like George Clooney or Dennis Kucinich.  

Bill O'Reilly Should Not Be Shot and Killed

Editorial by Allan Piper

Critics of Bill O'Reilly believe he bears responsibility for the death of George Tiller. Tiller, a Kansas doctor who performed women's health services including abortion, was gunned down in his church on Sunday. Although Bill O'Reilly was not the gunman, he was behind a personal attack campaign against Tiller, whom he named on twenty-nine episodes of his show, calling him "Tiller the Baby Killer."

It is important to note, that while Bill O'Reilly called Tiller a murderer, made baseless accusations of child-rape against him, and compared him to a Nazi, he did not specifically ask anyone in his audience to kill him. Sure, in the twenty-nine times he featured Tiller, Bill O'Reilly may have referred to Tiller's clinic as a "death mill;" he may have railed that the law would not stop Tiller but that "Judgment Day" would; he may have said that Tiller's continued existence was "a disgrace upon everyone who lives in Kansas;" he may have gone even as far as to say that anyone who did not do something to stop Tiller "has blood on their hands," but never once did he explicitly call for an assassination.

For this reason, we at the Inquisition want to make it very clear that we are not calling for the retributive assassination of Bill O'Reilly. That would be wrong. In no way would we ever suggest that anyone should go buy a rifle or shotgun (which can be purchased without a waiting period at sporting goods stores in most states), proceed to the Fox News studio (which is located at 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY) and shoot Bill the Killer O'Reilly at close range in the head (which has a greater likelihood of fatality than in the chest).

Even though Bill O'Reilly virtually baited his audience into taking matters into their own hands, and even though a vigilante gun-death is the only justice he is ever likely to face, killing him would be a crime, just like running a red light late at night, or failing to report tips on your tax return. Sure, you would be hailed as a hero by many, and you might well save the lives of countless innocent people Bill O'Reilly has yet to attack, but it would be wrong. Whatever you do, PLEASE DO not KILL BILL O'REILLY.

I don't know if we can make it any more clear.

Miraculous New Device: It's a Bible AND a Gun!

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Yesterday, Kansas abortion doctor George Tiller was shot to death while serving as an usher in his church. Click here to read the CNN.com story.

As a senior fellow at the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation, I have been an outspoken opponent of abortion, but even I will admit that the act of shooting a man in church poses a deep philosophical problem. On the one hand, you don't want to go to church without your Bible. On the other, you don't want something else in your hands that can interfere with your aim. That's why I'm happy to introduce the Ezekiel 2517. It's a Bible and a gun.

This dual use device was invented by a conservative biblical scholar who discovered that if you cut out all the Bible's annoying references to showing compassion, not judging people, and loving your enemies, there's enough room left over to fit an entire semiautomatic weapon. And with an easy to use dictionary concordance/spare cartridge holder, it takes just seconds to reload and/or find the perfect passage to justify your assault.

If Jesus had access to this sort of weapon, he wouldn't have been the Prince of Peace, he would have been the Prince of the Concealed Piece, and when the high priest struck him across the face, instead of turning the other cheek, he would have pulled out this gun and said, "Eat lead, motherf--ker!" Not only would he have been spared the crucifixion, but The Passion of the Christ would have been a way more exciting action movie.

Unfortunately, we can be sure that the liberal elite will do everything they can to block the sale of this new invention. They hate guns almost as much as they hate Bibles. And with the Obama administration attempting to force a radical judicial activist onto the Supreme Court, our freedoms and values are more in jeopardy than ever. If Sotomayor does manage to get confirmed, we can only hope Chief Justice Roberts has one of these babies handy when it comes time to "swear her in."

Conservatives Attack Obama Nominee

WASHINGTON DC- Yesterday, President Obama announced Sonia Sotomayor as his Supreme Court nominee. In an effort to stay ahead of the news cycle, the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation issued a statement condemning Obama's choice a full twelve hours before the choice was made.

"With the selection of [fill in name here]," said spokespoerson, Mitchell Willburn, "Obama has chosen a judicial activist who believes he/she can use the bench to inflict his/her radical agenda on the nation." The statement went on to attack the nominee's prior rulings. "In the case of [insert case], this nominee showed a blatant liberal bias on the issue of [gun control/gay marriage/evolution/the world being round/TBD]."

Many Obama supporters have been swayed by the Foundation's argument. "I voted for Obama," says Mark Water of Ohio, "but when I learned that whoever he ends up picking has a clear record of supporting mandatory abortions for all women, forced same-sex marriage, and/or Satanic ritual sacrifice, I felt completely betrayed. I just hope he changes his mind and ends up picking someone else."

In an interview prior to the nominee announcement, Willburn asserted that it would make no difference if the president did chose someone else,  the Foundation's accusations would apply to whoever the nominee would be. "Given the dangerous extremism of anyone he ends up picking, the only responsible thing he can do is to just pick no one." 

Prior to being labeled as a radical, Sotomayor, the actual nominee as of yesterday, was nominated to US District Court by the first President Bush. She is recognized as "the judge who saved baseball," for her ruling in the 1994 baseball strike. She was reportedly horrified to discover that she is in fact a liberal judicial activist, and is considering withdrawing her nomination.

God Praises Archbishop in Public Statement

HEAVEN- In a statement released by the Angel Gabriel, God announced His satisfaction with Brazilian Archbishop Jose Cardoso Sobrinho's decision to excommunicate doctors for saving the life of a nine-year-old girl. The doctors performed an abortion for the girl, who was pregnant with twins, after allegedly having been raped by her step-father.

The doctors believed that for such a small girl to carry the twins to term would have been fatal. The archbishop excommunicated both the doctors and the girl's mother (but not the step-father). In His statement, God praised Sobrinho for "upholding the sanctity of life."

When asked whether the doctors were not in fact the ones upholding the sanctity of life by saving the life of of the girl, Gabriel clarified, "given the choice between the life of one haggard, world-weary nine-year-old with at best ninety years left in her, and two innocent little protoplasms that could live a century, the priority is pretty clear."

Click here for BBC coverage of this story.