Thursday, May 24, 2012

Kindergarten Suffers "It" Outbreak

Six-year-old Miles Anderson appeared healthy when he left for school, but by mid-day he was running in frenzied circles, terrorizing his classmates, letting loose agonized screams that could be heard across the playground. He had developed the tell-tale symptoms of being "It." He soon recovered, but not before transmitting the infection to another student, sparking an "It" epidemic that soon swept through most of his class.

Little is known of the "It" virus, except that it can by spread by any form of direct contact. Survivors of the infection may enjoy a brief immunity doctors refer to as "no tag-backs."

To prevent exposure to the wider community, the Centers for Disease Control has placed Miles' kindergarten class under forcible quarantine indefinitely.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

NC Votes to Protect the Sanctity of Pizza

CHARLOTTE, NC- Two weeks after banning same-sex marriage, North Carolina voters returned to the polls to ban gluten-free pizza. "You can't change the definition of pizza," said a sponsor of the measure. "If we allow people to make pizzas with gluten-free crusts, we'll also have to let them make pizza out of dogs, or the flesh of murdered babies." 

The law's supporters deny that it is discriminatory. "People who choose to be gluten-intolerant should have the same rights as everybody else," said one voter "They just shouldn't be allowed to eat foods they like without severe abdominal pain." 

"I have nothing against people who eat gluten-free pizza. I just personally don't like it," said another voter. "So nobody else should be allowed to eat it."

Many based their vote on the Bible. "Even though Jesus technically never said anything about pizza," another voter said, "the miracle of the fishes and the loaves clearly shows he intended pizza to be made with a wheat crust and with anchovies," adding "of course I skip the anchovies because that's gross." 

The new law has drawn scorn from many in states that allow gluten-free pizza. According to one New York pizza-lover, "the people of North Carolina don't even know what a real pizza is."