Friday, March 27, 2009

'Wicked' Spin-off Debuts in New York

NEW YORK- Capitalizing on the fame of the Tony Award-winning musical, Wicked, a new and unconventional telling of the same story opened this week at Madison Square Garden. The Wizard of Oz puts a new twist on the beloved tale, telling it from the point of view of the girl, Dorothy. While the premise is admittedly gimmicky, if fans end up liking it half as much as the original, it may just become a modern classic.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

BBC Headline: God 'Will Not Give Happy Ending'

The BBC News online today ran a story about the Archbishop of Canterbury's announcement that "God will not guarantee a 'happy ending.'" Upon hearing of the article, Inquisition staffers raced to the site, hoping for news about a heavenly massage parlor, but were disappointed to discover just another dull report about how all life on earth probably will be extinguished by global climate change.

Further research however, revealed that God has in fact opened a massage parlor in east Hollywood, and will give a happy ending if you slip Him an extra twenty and ask for the "altar boy special." Would-be clients are urged to schedule appointments before global warming makes the entire earth bursts into a big ball of flame.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Super-Villain Envies AIG Execs

Earlier this month we ran an exclusive interview with world re- nowned super- villain, the Infamous Professor Fear. Ten days before news broke of AIG's most recent round of bonuses, Prof. Fear was blogging about his criminal rivalry with AIG's super-villain executives. Click here to read his blog.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Broadway Star Hopes for Big Break as Waiter

NEW YORK- Since he was a child, Tony Lamont has dreamt of being a waiter. "I remember the first time my parents took me to a restaurant," he recalls. "The servers were so handsome in their white shirts, and their attitude made it clear how superior they were to us non-waiters. Right away I knew that's what I wanted to be."

Although Lamont has been forced to take on "real jobs" as a leading man in major Broadway shows, he has not given up on his dream, studying tirelessly to be what's known as a "triple threat" waiter. "I know French service. I know my wines, and I can get behind the bar, too."

In his day job, Lamont may be doing something as mundane as a Chekhov monologue, or a Fosse dance number, but his heart remains focused on his goal, which seems to be drawing steadily closer. "Just last summer I booked my first job on Restaurant Row," says Lamont, beaming. "Okay, technically it was off-Restaurant Row. Actually off-off Restaurant Row." A moment later, he confesses, "Okay it was a soup kitchen, but you should have seen the reviews I got. The lady with that thing on her neck said I had real potential."

Lamont is confident his big break is just around the corner. "I won't be punching the clock at the theatre forever," he says confidently. "Right now you can see me in the Broadway revival of Carousel, but next year look for me at Le Cirque."

Jen Houston contributed to this report.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Condoms Useless, Declares Pope

CAMEROON- Condoms cannot prevent the spread of AIDS, Pope Benedict announced as he began his first trip to Africa. In fact, the distribution of condoms "only increases the problem." The announcement followed a six-month Vatican study, in which the pontiff, his cardinals, and a group of alter boys tested thousands of condoms and discovered each one to be inherently sinful.

Condom-users around the world breathed a sigh of relief upon learning they can throw out the latex and freely indulge in the pleasure of pure and unfettered abstinence. Timmy McSorely, a fifteen-year-old in Virginia hopes that as a result of the Pope's findings, his high school will stop offering condoms to students. "No teenager actually wants to have sex," he explains, "but we're very thrifty. If you make condoms available, we'll feel like we have to use them." Freed from the pressure to engage in sex, the sophomore looks forward to more rewarding activities like reading a good book, taking a cold shower, or repeatedly slamming his head into a wall until the lustful thoughts go away.

The Pope's announcement comes as a shock to members of the international health community, who had long thought condoms were an effective tool in fighting the spread of AIDS. "Study after study has shown that condoms reduce the risk of HIV infection by at least 90%," a representative for the World Health Organization reports, "but the Pope would know best. I guess we were all wrong."

It turns out that the WHO, the Centers for Disease Control, Doctors Without Borders, and the Joint United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS all got it wrong, in part because they were operating under the common misconception that diseases are caused by microscopic viruses and bacteria, whereas we now know that evil spirits are to blame. "What's ironic," says a Vatican spokesperson, "is that we've actually known about evil spirits for centuries, but the science zealots have been so active in spreading the 'microorganism' myth that the knowledge just kind of got lost." The spokesperson adds, "it's sad when a bunch of fanatics make society move backwards."

Americans Still Not Saving Enough Daylight

WASHINGTON, DC-  A week and a half into Daylight Savings, Americans are still being too wasteful with their daylight, says a new study from the Department of Daylight Conservation. "Despite our best efforts, we are rapidly running out of daylight," says Department spokesperson, Milton Werkse. "Just look." Werkse points to the horizon, where even as he speaks, the sun appears to be slowly sinking, a clear sign, he says, of an imminent crisis. 

Americans already are discovering that regardless of what clocks may say, there simply aren't as many hours in the day as their used to be. "Five years ago, I used to see my friends all the time," explains Maribel Stephens, a working mother in Fairfax, VA. "Today I tried to schedule lunch with my best friend, and the earliest date we could agree on was in June." Stephens rushes to start her day as the sun is rising, but feels like the sun sets before she even has a chance to sit down. "It's getting really bad," she says. 

It may get even worse. Werkes points to foreign markets as a sign of what may be coming. Antarctic daylight is in virtual freefall, with experts predicting the continent will soon enter a period of total darkness which may last months. 

Not everyone feels that perpetual darkness in on the horizon. Rebecca Marone of the Free Daylight Institute believes that estimates of our current daylight consumption are based on obsolete data. "Now that we no longer have a president determined to thrust us back into the Dark Ages," she says, "we may experience an actual daylight glut." She advises Americans to keep the sunscreen handy. 

Saturday, March 14, 2009

St. Patrick's Day Special Report

NEW YORK- For bars that have been hurt by the economic downturn, St. Patrick's Day is a chance to get back into the black. Allan Piper has this radio report on how one bar is preparing for the holiday.

This story is brought to you by the Guinness Cupcake from This Chick Bakes, available now for a limited time only.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

God Praises Archbishop in Public Statement

HEAVEN- In a statement released by the Angel Gabriel, God announced His satisfaction with Brazilian Archbishop Jose Cardoso Sobrinho's decision to excommunicate doctors for saving the life of a nine-year-old girl. The doctors performed an abortion for the girl, who was pregnant with twins, after allegedly having been raped by her step-father.

The doctors believed that for such a small girl to carry the twins to term would have been fatal. The archbishop excommunicated both the doctors and the girl's mother (but not the step-father). In His statement, God praised Sobrinho for "upholding the sanctity of life."

When asked whether the doctors were not in fact the ones upholding the sanctity of life by saving the life of of the girl, Gabriel clarified, "given the choice between the life of one haggard, world-weary nine-year-old with at best ninety years left in her, and two innocent little protoplasms that could live a century, the priority is pretty clear."

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Bank Robs Customers at Gunpoint

Unwilling to wait for more federal bailout money, bankers at Nation Trust Bank locations across the country drew guns on their customers this week, and ordered them to empty their wallets. "I'd just reached the teller window," says Meredith Dixon, of Lafayette, Indiana, "when the manager came out with a gun and yelled 'This is a stick-up!'"

Along with the other customers, Dixon handed over her wallet, purse, and jewelry. "As if being robbed weren't enough," she complains, "they were very slow and surly about it, and they told me I'd be charged a fee for this service."

One victim who was particularly upset was the Infamous Professor Fear, who had come with his henchmen to rob the bank himself. "They took my wallet, my watch, and the various implements of destruction I'd brought with me," Fear laments. "I don't know what's happening to our society. I'm supposed to be the bad guy here."

After robbing their customers, the bankers fled the scene in a fleet of armored trucks, and set off on a Bonnie-and-Clyde-style string of attacks, targeting homes, small businesses, and anywhere American tax-payers are known to congregate. Police are advising citizens confronted by the bank-robbers to comply with their demands and just wait for things to get better.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Editorial: Kenneth Starr, Defender of Morality

by Irwin Kram

Just over a decade ago, Kenneth Starr led the good fight against the debauchery of our libertine "president," Bill Clinton. Starr's $30 million investigation into allegations of conspiracy, fraud, and even murder turned up none of those things, but what it did reveal was much darker: oral sex. No matter how many times I read and re-read Starr's graphic descriptions of Clinton's lewd acts, I was continually disgusted-- but grateful to see the crimes of the Democrat leader sucked out into the light of day.

This week, Starr is once again leading the cause against immorality. Yesterday he stood before the California Supreme Court arguing in defense of Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage in California. Californians voted for Prop 8 fair and square, but radical gay activists are trying to get the Court to overturn it. If they succeed, Starr argued, they will be taking away Californians' basic human right to take away other people's rights.

Starr gets it. As a Christian fundamentalist, he understands that the Bible clearly defines marriage as between one man and only as many women as he can afford to maintain. The Bible is also clear about what is not marriage, which is why although a man may father as many children with his slave-girl as she can bear, what exists between them can never be a marriage.

Now this is where the liberal media just loves to jump in and call opponents of gay marriage "homophobic," as if
we were the ones who wrote God's law. Given the choice, I'm sure all good Christian men would rather have sex with other men, but that's not our decision. You can't just pick and choose which of God's laws you're going to follow and which you aren't (except of course for the ones that are obviously silly, like not being allowed to wear a garment of two different fabrics, or having to help the poor).

Standing before the justices yesterday, his silver hair glistening like a halo of holiness, Starr resembled a white knight, charging against the evils of sodomy and licentiousness, thrusting forward ever harder on his white steed, his sweat mingling with the horse's. I know that as he has ever done, Starr will chase down the spectre of immorality, drive his firm sword deep, deep into his foe's soft flesh, then force him to his knees before him, making him to swallow the sweet, syrupy nectar of righteousness. If we are lucky, he will write another detailed book about it.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Super-Villain Gives Dating Advice (video)

by Chris Pearson & Allan Piper

The Infamous Professor Fear is best known for his repeated attempts at world domination. Lately however, he has been working on a different sort of project. Instead of releasing a horde of robot monsters to take over the city, as he so often does, this week he released a new dating-guide.

Many consumers may be reluctant to trust Prof. Fear after trying his patented facial cream, which instantly melts away wrinkles (along with all other flesh), or his anti-gravity weight-loss pills, which do not result in the loss of any fat, but have caused thousands of obese people to weightlessly drift off into the atmosphere. However, the caped criminal claims this new book is absolutely not part of an insidious plot to conquer the world. Jennifer Houston has this report.

Joe Smith of IPR contributed to this story. Artwork by Christie Allan-Piper. Support this video at Funny or Die!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Snowstorm Disproves 'Global Warming'

ATLANTA- An unseasonable March snowstorm has blanketed much of the southeastern United States, proving once and for all that "global warming," is a myth propagated by the liberal elite, according to Mitchel Wilburn, of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation. "These doomsayers claim the world is getting hotter," Wilburn explains, "but just today we got over four inches of snow in Georgia, and the Gulf of Mexico has frozen over, so clearly nothing is wrong."

In response to the Foundation's findings, former Vice-President Al Gore released a statement saying, "this is why we prefer the term 'global climate change,' because blah blah blah…" This reporter confesses to being too bored to listen closely.

Wilburn concedes that parts of the country indeed are experiencing warmer than normal temperatures, like Anchorage, AK, which was a balmy 74° today, or Bismark, ND, where temperatures have risen so high that it is impossible to step outdoors without spontaneously bursting into flames, but the conservative analyst maintains that these conditions are all within the realm of normal weather fluctuations.

"Also," Wilburn adds, "a lot of the supposed 'weather abnormalities' you hear about now don't even have anything to do with temperature." He cites the bizarre case of the Greater Salina Trailer Park in Kansas, which has not experienced a tornado in over a month, and the so-called "head-storm" in Tupelo, MS, where it has been raining severed human heads for the past three days. "Clearly this is just good old Mother Nature playing her usual tricks."

For an opposing viewpoint, we turned to Todd Sterns, the State Department's Special Envoy on Climate Change, however he was unavailable for comment, as he was away on a ski trip in Honolulu.