Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Condoms Useless, Declares Pope

CAMEROON- Condoms cannot prevent the spread of AIDS, Pope Benedict announced as he began his first trip to Africa. In fact, the distribution of condoms "only increases the problem." The announcement followed a six-month Vatican study, in which the pontiff, his cardinals, and a group of alter boys tested thousands of condoms and discovered each one to be inherently sinful.

Condom-users around the world breathed a sigh of relief upon learning they can throw out the latex and freely indulge in the pleasure of pure and unfettered abstinence. Timmy McSorely, a fifteen-year-old in Virginia hopes that as a result of the Pope's findings, his high school will stop offering condoms to students. "No teenager actually wants to have sex," he explains, "but we're very thrifty. If you make condoms available, we'll feel like we have to use them." Freed from the pressure to engage in sex, the sophomore looks forward to more rewarding activities like reading a good book, taking a cold shower, or repeatedly slamming his head into a wall until the lustful thoughts go away.

The Pope's announcement comes as a shock to members of the international health community, who had long thought condoms were an effective tool in fighting the spread of AIDS. "Study after study has shown that condoms reduce the risk of HIV infection by at least 90%," a representative for the World Health Organization reports, "but the Pope would know best. I guess we were all wrong."

It turns out that the WHO, the Centers for Disease Control, Doctors Without Borders, and the Joint United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS all got it wrong, in part because they were operating under the common misconception that diseases are caused by microscopic viruses and bacteria, whereas we now know that evil spirits are to blame. "What's ironic," says a Vatican spokesperson, "is that we've actually known about evil spirits for centuries, but the science zealots have been so active in spreading the 'microorganism' myth that the knowledge just kind of got lost." The spokesperson adds, "it's sad when a bunch of fanatics make society move backwards."

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