TSA Seeks Experienced Fondlers to Assist in Groping Travelers

With stringent new security measures going into effect just as the busiest travel season kicks off, the TSA is looking for additional hands to pat, squeeze, and clutch holiday travelers. The agency has placed ads on Craigslist, the nation's most comprehensive database of experienced gropers and mashers. To find truly skilled ticklers, graspers, and fingerbangers, the TSA is also calling for assistance from massage parlor workers, priests, and your strange Uncle Phil.

Related story: "TSA Announces Plans to Make You F---ing Miserable"

Travelers Protected from Deadly Bottled Water, TSA Says

Aviation security has drawn fire recently after first permitting alleged Christmas Day undie-bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Nigeria to board a plane bound for Detroit, and then on Sunday allowing a man to bypass security at Newark Liberty Airport, forcing the entire airport to be shut down and thousands of passengers to be rescreened. Critics of the Transportation Security Administration say that heightened post-9/11 security has inconvenienced and humiliated travelers without actually making them any safer.

This week, the TSA issued a statement in its defense, listing many of its unsung achievements. "Over the past eight years," a TSA spokesperson announced, "we have confiscated over 90,000 nail clippers, which could have been used to hijack a plane by threatening the pilot with an unflattering manicure. We have disposed of over 30,000 bottles of water, which if brought onto a plane all at once could have flooded it."

The spokesperson continued, "we have caused passengers to lose over $15,000 worth of change emptied from their pockets, money that otherwise could have been used to buy weapons or explosives. We have taken over 18,000 tubes of toothpaste, 7,000 sticks of gel deodorant, and 4,000 bottles of mouthwash, thereby increasing the security of marriages, as businessmen are less likely to hook-up in a hotel bar if they stink. We have kept travelers safe from hair clips, nail files, baby formula, lip gloss, novelty pens, and expensive perfume, all of which in the hands of an evil mastermind like the Professor from Gilligan's Island could easily be converted into a thermonuclear device."

The TSA representative admitted that there still is room for improvement and promised that the agency will place a greater emphasis on training its security screeners with instructional videos, like the following film on the proper way to inspect baggage.

TSA Announces Plans to Make You F---ing Miserable

Following a failed terrorist attempt to blow up a plane on Christmas day, the Transportation Security Administration has initiated new regulations aimed to make air travel even more unpleasant than it has already become.

"We can't tell you what the new measures are," a TSA spokesperson explains, "but we promise you are really, really going to hate them."

It is believed the enhanced screening techniques will include full body scans, opening luggage so bomb-sniffing dogs may urinate in it, and randomly jabbing travelers in the eye with a stick, or "passenger safety wand."

Public response to the heightened tactics so far has been mixed. "It's a real pain," said passenger Bart Tillson, as a team of security screeners at Chicago's O'Hare Airport licked their fingers and stuck them in his ears, "but if it's this much of a hassle, it's got to make us safer, right?"

According to TSA representatives, the goal of the security protocols is to make air travel so unbearable that "even a terrorist who is willing to blow himself up, won't be willing to go through an airport to do it."

Homeland Security Initiates Wild Goose Chase

NEW YORK-- The forced water-landing of US Airways Flight #1549 in the Hudson River last week calls attention to a new enemy in the war on terror. Homeland Security officials confirm that the double engine failure of the Airbus A320 appears to have been the work of a bird, or more likely, a conspiracy of multiple birds. Geese are the prime suspects, as several large flocks are known to have been operating in the area.

Although birds have been linked to the spread of the avian flu pandemic and the soiling of countless newly washed cars, they have flown largely below the radar of the intelligence community. "We've been so focused on terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan, we've forgotten that the largest network of Canadian Geese is just across the border," a CIA spokesperson said, "in Mexico." Although the Department of Defense has been working on a long-range catapult, designed to kill two birds with one stone, test so far only have resulted in the accidental destruction of several nearby glass houses.

On the municipal level, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced the creation of an NYPD Bird Task Force, a move that has ruffled feathers among avian activists like Carla Rhodes, founder of the radical online journal, Bird of the Day.

"Birds are watching us with their lizard eyes and are ready to strike," Rhodes concedes, "but they're so cute and fluffy - we should just let them get away with it."

Other New York bird lovers are advocating civil disobedience. Despite new MTA regulations banning birds on subways, commuter rail, and ferries, rooster owner, Chad Johnson says he still plans to take his cock out every chance he gets.

While the strike on Flight #1549 appears to have been a suicide attack, Homeland Security officials believe that the planners of the offensive may still be at large, and urge citizens to be on the lookout for suspicious bird activity.