Cold Day Disproves 'Global Warming'

by Dr. Burt Anaru of the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

It was Fox News who first alerted the nation to the dangerous onset of "global cooling." In a January 11 story, Fox quoted renowned climatologist Mojib Latif of the Leibniz Institute as warning that "a mini ice age" was coming upon us.

The fact that Latif denies ever speaking to Fox, and claims that the quotes were completely made up in no way discredits Fox's reporting. The evidence supporting global cooling is irrefutable. It's freaking cold today. Have you been outside?

The alarming trend of colder temperatures goes beyond just today's weather. Across the entire northern hemisphere, temperatures have been dropping for the past six months. High temperatures in every major city are on average forty degrees colder than they were just last July.

Also, the sun disappears below the horizon earlier than it did in July, and re-emerges later on the other side, prompting fears that one day it might not come back at all. As every scientist recognizes, the longer the sun spends under the earth, the greater the chances it will be swallowed by one of the dragons that live just over the edge of the world.

So how do we respond to the threat of global cooling? The only responsible solution is to burn fossil fuels like crazy-- not because this has the power to raise the earth's temperature (the jury's still out on that one), but because God loves it when we burn stuff, and may show mercy upon us. If we commit ourselves today to the nonstop burning of oil, coal, and the occasional sacrificial virgin, I believe we can virtually guaranty that temperatures will begin to rise again by March, or April at the latest.

To Reduce CO2, US Asks China to Hold Its Breath

COPENHAGEN- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton arrived at the UN Climate Change Conference this morning with a plan to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by over 233,000 tons a year. She is asking the entire population of China to hold its breath.

"I know it sounds tough," Clinton told the Chinese delegation, "but if you can all hold your nose and mouth for just five minutes everyday, you'll be cutting almost as much CO2 as Saint Lucia emits all year." The Secretary of State then added, "and since Saint Lucia's emissions are expected to drop to zero when it's completely underwater, we'd be looking at an overall annual reduction of over half a million tons by 2025."

Several delegates objected that the US should reduce its own emissions before asking other nations to stop breathing, but Clinton defended her proposal as more realistic. "Believe me," she explained, "it'll be easier to convince a billion Chinese to stop breathing than to get anything through Congress."

Climate Change Won't Destroy Blue States, Red States Claim

LINCOLN, NE- With the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen approaching, climate change skeptics are becoming increasingly vocal. "Environmentalists make wild claims with nothing to back them up but science," says Ogden Clover of the Nebraska based, Red State Alliance. "Now science is good for a lot of things, like making volcanoes out of baking soda and vinegar, but what it's not good for is dealing with matters of faith, and real Americans have complete faith that there is no global warming."

Like most red state residents, Clover believes that "the myth of global warming" is a politically motivated conspiracy between liberals and every single climatologist on the planet. He also adamantly insists that he and other climate change deniers are "absolutely not involved" in a conspiracy of their own to annihilate the blue states.

"The idea that melting polar ice caps could cause massive flooding and wipe out the east and west coasts and Hawaii is downright laughable," says Keith Stewart of North Dakota Future Beach Front Realty. "I mean, come on."

One of the most outspoken disbelievers of global warming is professional Facebook-poster, Sarah Palin. "If I believed for one minute that global warming could destroy the Obama states, kill Katie Couric and Tina Fey, and change my state from a frozen wasteland that resembles Dante's ninth level of hell to a tropical paradise, of course I'd be against it," says the Alaskan oil advocate, "But we all know it's not true." Palin has yet to confirm speculation that she will run for president in 2012, but a Red State Alliance poll suggests that if carbon emissions remain unchecked, she could easily sweep all twenty-two states.

BBC Headline: God 'Will Not Give Happy Ending'

The BBC News online today ran a story about the Archbishop of Canterbury's announcement that "God will not guarantee a 'happy ending.'" Upon hearing of the article, Inquisition staffers raced to the site, hoping for news about a heavenly massage parlor, but were disappointed to discover just another dull report about how all life on earth probably will be extinguished by global climate change.

Further research however, revealed that God has in fact opened a massage parlor in east Hollywood, and will give a happy ending if you slip Him an extra twenty and ask for the "altar boy special." Would-be clients are urged to schedule appointments before global warming makes the entire earth bursts into a big ball of flame.

Snowstorm Disproves 'Global Warming'

ATLANTA- An unseasonable March snowstorm has blanketed much of the southeastern United States, proving once and for all that "global warming," is a myth propagated by the liberal elite, according to Mitchel Wilburn, of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation. "These doomsayers claim the world is getting hotter," Wilburn explains, "but just today we got over four inches of snow in Georgia, and the Gulf of Mexico has frozen over, so clearly nothing is wrong."

In response to the Foundation's findings, former Vice-President Al Gore released a statement saying, "this is why we prefer the term 'global climate change,' because blah blah blah…" This reporter confesses to being too bored to listen closely.

Wilburn concedes that parts of the country indeed are experiencing warmer than normal temperatures, like Anchorage, AK, which was a balmy 74° today, or Bismark, ND, where temperatures have risen so high that it is impossible to step outdoors without spontaneously bursting into flames, but the conservative analyst maintains that these conditions are all within the realm of normal weather fluctuations.

"Also," Wilburn adds, "a lot of the supposed 'weather abnormalities' you hear about now don't even have anything to do with temperature." He cites the bizarre case of the Greater Salina Trailer Park in Kansas, which has not experienced a tornado in over a month, and the so-called "head-storm" in Tupelo, MS, where it has been raining severed human heads for the past three days. "Clearly this is just good old Mother Nature playing her usual tricks."

For an opposing viewpoint, we turned to Todd Sterns, the State Department's Special Envoy on Climate Change, however he was unavailable for comment, as he was away on a ski trip in Honolulu.