All White Christians Suspected of Terrorism after Norway Attacks

When news broke of the horrific terror attacks in Norway, many were quick to blame Muslim extremists. The revelation that the suspected culprit is instead a white conservative Christian now has led to a global backlash against white Christians.

"This isn't a racial thing, but let's be real here," said an FBI official. "If you look at the biggest atrocities of the last century… the Oklahoma City bombing, the Olympic Park bombings, the Holocaust, and the massive terror attack that toppled the government of Iraq, it's always the work of some white Christian guy."

Fox News correspondent Juan Williams has admitted that he would be uncomfortable flying with white Christians. Presidential candidate Herman Cain has said that he would bar white Christians from serving in his administration, and that communities should be allowed to ban golf clubs, moose lodges, and other institutions where white Christians are known to congregate. New Mexico now requires state troopers to stop any car displaying a Jesus fish and demand the driver present proof of citizenship.

"This kind of profiling is unfair," says the Rev. Jeremy Cockwright, a white Christian cleric who claims to have no terrorist ties. "Just because a handful of extremists have done things like bomb women's health clinics, burn crosses on lawns, go on random shooting sprees, engage in ritualistic serial killings, operate networks of organized crime, form massive suicide cults, orchestrate elaborate financial manipulations that threaten to bring down the global economy, carry out acts of genocide... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where I was going with this."

Homeland Security is calling on all citizens to be on the lookout for white extremists in their neighborhoods. If you see someone whose skin is lighter than a Whole Foods grocery bag, or anyone carrying a Whole Foods grocery bag, do not hesitate to notify the authorities.

NPR Exec Commits Crime of Independent Thought

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week an NPR executive was secretly filmed expressing his private, personal opinion that Tea Party members are racist. Naturally, NPR's chief executive needed to resign by the end of the week, as holding such an opinion runs counter to the fundamental responsibility of journalism, which is to make the Tea Party look awesome.

Teabaggers are not racists. They are a cross section of America, from a wide variety of Christian faiths, whose skin-color spans every possible shade of white. They are motivated not by bigotry, but a profound love for this country and the understandable desire to lynch a black president.

But this is not about the Tea Party. It's about journalism. It is simply a crime for a member of a news organization to have an independent thought about a story-- unless the story is NPR, such as when Fox News Chief Roger Ailes called NPR executives Nazis. Of course this was not so much an opinion as a statement of fact. We all know there is a very fine line between launching a war for total world domination and issuing a commemorative tote bag.

A true journalist must be a mindless automaton, merely regurgitating the talking points of either side. This is why the Inquisition has replaced most of its human staff with an army of robots. The new News Director is pictured below. I have been assured that he has spinning razor blades for hands not for any nefarious purpose, but just to facilitate the editorial process.

Childhood on Mars Shaped Huckabee's Worldview

In a radio interview Monday, former Arkansas governor and Fox News host, Mike Huckabee said that Pres. Obama may have developed an anti-western worldview due to his childhood in Kenya. He also implied that the president's American citizenship is questionable.

As every sane member of the Earthling population is aware, the president was born an American citizen, with an American mother, who gave birth to him in America. He spent all but four years of his childhood here, and never even visited Kenya until he was an adult.

Although Huckabee claims to have been born in the US himself, not once has he publicly presented his original birth certificate, leading many to suspect that he was actually born on Mars. Since there are no black people on Mars, it only makes sense that Huckabee would come to regard them with suspicion.

The former baptist preacher may not be alone in his Martian origin. A recent poll shows that 51% of Republicans question the president's citizenship, while Republican legislatures in 11 states have introduced "birther bills" aiming to block Pres. Obama from the 2012 ballot. If the majority of Republicans are actually Martians, then their efforts to accelerate climate change, deprive Earthlings of healthcare, and foster nuclear proliferation can be understood as part of a traditional Martian culture that values the total destruction of the planet Earth.

While Huckabee has yet to confirm that he is running for president, he has promised that all his political intentions will be made clear when we finish translating his new book, To Serve Man.

House Passes 'Return to 1950' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- On its first day, the new Republican-controlled House of Representatives passed HR 27B-6, a bill which would legally return the nation to 1950.

"This measure accomplishes the entire Republican agenda," said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), choking up with emotion. "Not only does it repeal Obamacare, it returns us to a time when our economy is strong, homosexuality is shameful, and most importantly a n*gger can't be president," adding "I can say n*gger, it's 1950."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) responded, saying "even if the Senate passes this bill, it is unlikely that Pres. Obama will sign it into law." Boehner rebutted by slapping her butt and ordering her to make some coffee.

Not to Be Outdone, Church Plans to Burn Muslims

GAINSEVILLE, FL- Impressed by the media attention Pastor Terry Jones has received for his planned "International Burn a Koran Day," rival Florida Pastor Graham Chapman is upping the ante by sponsoring an "International Burn a Muslim Day."

Chapman is calling on all God-fearing Americans to round up the Muslims in their communities and burn them on the lawn of the Prince of Peace Church tomorrow in the spirit of fellowship. "If you can't bring a Muslim," Pastor Chapman asks, "maybe you can bring some drinks… or ice."

Chapman comes from a long line of burners. His father used to burn crosses on lawns, and his great great grandfather used to burn witches.

The announcement of Chapman's plan came this week as the pastor returned from the Burning Man festival in Nevada, an event whose name he complains is "grossly misleading."

GOP Leader Claims He's Not Satanist

WASHINGTON, DC- A recent poll shows that 18% of Americans, and nearly half of all Republicans believe that Pres. Obama is a Muslim. Given the opportunity to dispel this rumor on behalf of his party on Sunday's Meet the Press, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said only that "the president says he's a Christian. I take him at his word," seeming to imply that there is still room for doubt.

McConnell's ambiguous wording echoed the Rev. Franklin Graham's Friday statement about whether the president has accepted Christianity: "That's what he says he has done. I cannot say that he hasn't."

When the Inquisition attempted to follow-up with the senator on rumors that he himself is a Satanist, the Kentucky Republican was able to offer no evidence other than his own word that he does not worship The Beast. Like most Satanists, McConnell is a white male, who has never once claimed not to have offered the blood of a child to the Dark Lord upon a profane altar.

The Rev. Graham refused to comment on McConnell's faith. Graham is the son of famed preacher Billy Graham, and says he is not a worshipper of the Hindu monkey god, Hanuman.

Although flinging feces like a monkey and mating with actual monkeys are not traditional Hanumanian practices, we have only Graham's word that he has not performed such acts anyway. Rev. Graham also says he's not gay.

Given the cloud of doubt cast on all three men's faith, the American Values Institute is calling on Graham, McConnell, and Obama to provide irrefutable evidence of their Christianity. Acceptable proof includes such acts as turning water into wine, resurrecting from death, or having sex with an altar boy.

Ground Zero Mosque Franchise Comes to Kansas

MANHATTAN, KS- Kansas residents are up in arms over a controversial plan to build a Ground Zero Mosque in lower Manhattan, Kansas, only 1,300 miles from where the Twin Towers once stood. "It's insensitive to build this on the very ground where we were attacked," says Kansas Tea Party member, Mabel Portis, referring to the ground that constitutes the middle latitudes of the United States.

Like the contested Islamic cultural center planned on "hallowed ground" in New York, Kansas' Ground Zero Mosque is not actually at ground zero. Nor would it technically be a mosque. Strictly speaking, it would be a convenience store, owned by Mohammed Ayud, a Muslim Kansan so radical as to share the same first name as one of the 9/11 hijackers.

Opponents of Ayud's plans are quick to point out that they are not attempting to suppress his constitutionally protected freedom of religion. "Nobody is saying he shouldn't have the right to build this," Portis clarifies. "We're just saying he shouldn't be allowed to."

Professional Twitterer, Sarah Palin has jumped into the fray, calling on "both Muslims and Americans to refudiate Kansas' Ground Zero Mosque, as well as the buildification of any similar structurements anywhere else."

AZ Law Not Racist, Gov Claims

PHOENIX- Immigrant rights groups are planning nationwide demonstrations tomorrow to protest Arizona's new law, which requires police to stop everyone who might be an illegal immigrant and arrest them if they cannot provide proof of legal residency. Critics claim that the law will lead to racial profiling of Latinos, but a spokesperson for Republican Governor Jan Brewer denies such charges. "This law in no way singles out Hispanics. It applies universally to all brown people, including n-ggers and chinks."

Stranger with Van Rescues Children from Obama

ADAMS, OH— Merta Boyle was frightened when she sent her nine-year-old son, Timmy to school this morning. "I knew he'd be exposed to Obama's propaganda, but I didn't know what to do." With the president planning a nationwide address to students, Boyle feared that the message of "work hard, stay in school," would warp her son's impressionable mind, leading him down a lifelong path of Nazi socialist anarchy.

While many school districts chose to ban the speech, for students in Adams County there was no protection. That is, until one man took it upon himself to deliver neighborhood children from political indoctrination. As Boyle helplessly watched her son walk toward school, she was relieved when a stranger with a van scooped him up and drove away. The stranger then went on to pick up at least a dozen more students.

The man was unavailable for comment, but several parents who have seen him around the school playground believe he goes by the name "Uncle Bob." While it is unclear where he was taking the children, their parents agree that anywhere would be safer than their classrooms.

"I was thrilled when he picked up my kids," says mother of two, Jenna Winters. Winters fondly remembers the school addresses of Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush from her childhood, but explains that President Obama is "different" from those presidents. "For starters, he's a-- you know, a socialist. I wouldn't want my kids listening to his speech any more that I'd want them listening to any of that socialist rap music."

Not everyone was thrilled with Uncle Bob's action. "It's all well and good for him to want to protect those kids," says Father Robert Doole of Sacred Heart Church, "but I was planning to shelter the children myself." Doole spent days preparing the church basement for the students. "I bought everything you need to make ice cream sundaes: fudge sauce, whip cream, vaseline. Seriously, I had this covered."

As of press time, the whereabouts of Uncle Bob and the children are unknown, but Boyle, Winters, and the other parents are confident they will be home soon.

Forged Birth Certificate Proves Obama Never Born At All

Forty-eight years ago today, President Barack Obama was born at the Kapi'olani Medical Center in Honolulu— at least that's what his birth certificate claims. Based on the overwhelming evidence of "a gut feeling," a growing group of Americans believe the birth certificate is fake, that Obama actually was born in Kenya, is not an American citizen, and therefore cannot legally be president.

Never in history has it occurred to anyone to deny the citizenship of the president, not even a president with a ridiculously foreign-sounding name like Martin Van Buren, but there is some undefinable quality that makes Obama seem somehow… different from the forty-three presidents who preceded him.

"This isn't about race." explains Irwin Kram of the American Truth Foundation, "However, Obama is black, and most Kenyans are black. It does seem like a pretty big coincidence, doesn't it?"

Obama displays other suspiciously un-American qualities, like being thin, and engaging in reasoned discourse. It is also alleged that he weighs the same as a duck.

This week, the birthers gained their first piece of hard evidence, as Orly Taitz, a California lawyer/dentist/real estate agent who is leading a class action lawsuit against the president, published a Kenyan birth certificate, showing that Obama was born in Mombasa. The document immediately was proven to be a forgery, but the existence of two allegedly fake birth certificates now calls into question whether Obama was ever really born at all.

"Years from now, we'll probably look back at the mere existence of Obama as one of the great historical myths," says Kram, "like George Washington chopping down the cherry tree, or the Holocaust." In the meantime, Taitz is seeking a court injunction to prevent Obama from being served his birthday cake.

If it can be proven that Obama was either never born, or simply not born in America, he will have to yield the presidency to John McCain, who in turn will have to step down because he himself was born in Panama while his father was stationed overseas with the Navy. At that point, Sarah Palin will become president. Pundits believe that it was in preparation for this eventuality that she recently resigned as governor of Alaska.

Dr. Saul Kruggerrand contributed to this report.