Republicans Don't Ever Want to Get Laid Again

As Republican men increasingly come out against birth control in any form, defund Planned Parenthood, make rape harder to prosecute, criminalize miscarriage, require women to have random objects jammed into their vaginas, and even denounce the Girl Scouts as a "radical organization, they are sending a clear message to women across the country: they do not ever want to have sex again. 

Nevertheless, as evidenced by Mitt Romney's five children and Rick Santorum's seven, some women are still having sex with Republicans, even those as strangely misshapen as Newt Gingrich. According to Irwin Kram of the Factual American Research Trust (FART), women's insistence on engaging in unnatural Republican sex defiles the purity of GOP values. "Since Republicans have declared abstinence the only acceptable form of birth control, women must respect that belief by abstaining from sex with them."

"Ideally," says Kram, "women should not have sex with anyone. If God intended us to have sex for pleasure, he certainly wouldn't have made it the most physically pleasurable thing we could possibly do." If women absolutely must have sex, Kram urges them not to lead God-fearing Republicans into sin, but to instead settle for godless Democrats like George Clooney or Dennis Kucinich.  

Gov. Perry Wants to Get It On With America

IOWA CITY- Presidential hopeful, Gov. Rick Perry said yesterday that the US deserves a president who is "in love with America." Sources close to the Texas governor say he has had a crush on the United States since his pre-teen years. During junior high, he would spend long hours locked in his room, surrounded by posters of scantily clad purple mountain majesties, or suggestive pictures of amber waves of grain washing a sports car.

Unlike Pres. Obama, who only calls a press conference when he has business to discuss, Gov. Perry promises if elected to frequently call press conferences just to say "I love you," or to ask the nation how its day is going. And he promises to never mention how fat America is getting.

In lieu of a jobs bill or stimulus plan, Perry would frequently surprise the US with flowers or little love notes. And as with the last Texas governor who became president, America should expect to get f*cked good and hard.

Urban Legend Reveals God is Pissy, Insecure A--hole

A note titled "Love vs. Sex" has been circulating on Facebook as a viral posting. The note recounts the urban legend of two teenage girls who walk home alone separately, late one night. The girl who prays to God gets home safely, while the girl who doesn't gets raped. The posting explains that "if you stand up for God, he will stand up for you." And apparently if you don't, He will make sure you get raped in an alley.

Sources close to God explain that although the Deity is the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth, He is extremely insecure and gets His feelings hurt when teenage girls don't talk to him. "Sometimes he'll go sulk in his room for days, listening to Creed," an anonymous archangel confides. "Other times he'll go on a real smite binge."

The title, "Love vs. Sex," combined with the note's theme of sexual assault, underscores God's belief that sex is scary and wrong. Although God invented sex, He gets angry when anyone actually engages in it. According to insiders, this also stems from the Lord's insecurity. "He's convinced everyone is getting laid more than He is and it drives Him crazy," one saint explains. "And you wouldn't believe how much he's spent on male enhancement products over the millennia."

As for the girl whom God protected on the dark night in the alley, she complains that since that night, the Almighty has been "excessively clingy." "He keeps asking me to post on Facebook about how great He is for not letting me get raped, and then ask all my friends to repost it to their friends," she says. "It's a little much." While she is grateful that praying to God protected her from sexual assault that night, in the future she plans on just carrying mace.

GOP Leader Claims He's Not Satanist

WASHINGTON, DC- A recent poll shows that 18% of Americans, and nearly half of all Republicans believe that Pres. Obama is a Muslim. Given the opportunity to dispel this rumor on behalf of his party on Sunday's Meet the Press, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said only that "the president says he's a Christian. I take him at his word," seeming to imply that there is still room for doubt.

McConnell's ambiguous wording echoed the Rev. Franklin Graham's Friday statement about whether the president has accepted Christianity: "That's what he says he has done. I cannot say that he hasn't."

When the Inquisition attempted to follow-up with the senator on rumors that he himself is a Satanist, the Kentucky Republican was able to offer no evidence other than his own word that he does not worship The Beast. Like most Satanists, McConnell is a white male, who has never once claimed not to have offered the blood of a child to the Dark Lord upon a profane altar.

The Rev. Graham refused to comment on McConnell's faith. Graham is the son of famed preacher Billy Graham, and says he is not a worshipper of the Hindu monkey god, Hanuman.

Although flinging feces like a monkey and mating with actual monkeys are not traditional Hanumanian practices, we have only Graham's word that he has not performed such acts anyway. Rev. Graham also says he's not gay.

Given the cloud of doubt cast on all three men's faith, the American Values Institute is calling on Graham, McConnell, and Obama to provide irrefutable evidence of their Christianity. Acceptable proof includes such acts as turning water into wine, resurrecting from death, or having sex with an altar boy.

School Paper Refuses to Cover Tiger Woods

SPRINGFIELD, MA- With the Tiger Woods scandal in full bloom, every paper in the country is devoting front page coverage to it-- every paper that is, except one. The Fillmore Flyer, a student publication of Millard Fillmore High School, has adopted a controversial editorial policy of devoting no ink to the golf superstar and his peccadilloes. "Between the upcoming winter formal and the cafeteria stink bomb incident, it just seems like we've got more important news to cover," says senior, Ricky Blovtiz, Flyer editor-in-chief.

"The Flyer is just copping out," says New York Post editor, Col Allan. "This week the president committed 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, the Senate is debating historic healthcare reform, and New York killed gay marriage, but we never let Tiger get bumped as lead story."

The New York Times, Washington Post, and Chicago Tribune also found front page space for articles and pictures related to the scandal. Even the National Inquisition is running a gratuitous image of Woods' wife in a bikini.

Fillmore principal, Ted Herschel has apologized on behalf of the school paper. "These are just kids," he explains. "We can only hope that when they grow up, they'll have a better understanding of what's truly important."

H&M Fights AIDS with Leotard

STOCKLHOLM- As part of its campaign, "Fashion Against AIDS," Swedish clothing manufacturer, H&M has released a limited edition, one-piece bodysuit designed by pop-star, Katy Perry. The idea is that if your clothes make you look so ridiculous that no one would ever sleep with you, your odds of contracting AIDS are greatly reduced.

Perry is enthusiastic about the collaboration. "H&M has been so supportive," the performer says. "As soon as they heard me sing, they said it would be a good idea for me to explore other talents. And here we are."

Condoms Useless, Declares Pope

CAMEROON- Condoms cannot prevent the spread of AIDS, Pope Benedict announced as he began his first trip to Africa. In fact, the distribution of condoms "only increases the problem." The announcement followed a six-month Vatican study, in which the pontiff, his cardinals, and a group of alter boys tested thousands of condoms and discovered each one to be inherently sinful.

Condom-users around the world breathed a sigh of relief upon learning they can throw out the latex and freely indulge in the pleasure of pure and unfettered abstinence. Timmy McSorely, a fifteen-year-old in Virginia hopes that as a result of the Pope's findings, his high school will stop offering condoms to students. "No teenager actually wants to have sex," he explains, "but we're very thrifty. If you make condoms available, we'll feel like we have to use them." Freed from the pressure to engage in sex, the sophomore looks forward to more rewarding activities like reading a good book, taking a cold shower, or repeatedly slamming his head into a wall until the lustful thoughts go away.

The Pope's announcement comes as a shock to members of the international health community, who had long thought condoms were an effective tool in fighting the spread of AIDS. "Study after study has shown that condoms reduce the risk of HIV infection by at least 90%," a representative for the World Health Organization reports, "but the Pope would know best. I guess we were all wrong."

It turns out that the WHO, the Centers for Disease Control, Doctors Without Borders, and the Joint United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS all got it wrong, in part because they were operating under the common misconception that diseases are caused by microscopic viruses and bacteria, whereas we now know that evil spirits are to blame. "What's ironic," says a Vatican spokesperson, "is that we've actually known about evil spirits for centuries, but the science zealots have been so active in spreading the 'microorganism' myth that the knowledge just kind of got lost." The spokesperson adds, "it's sad when a bunch of fanatics make society move backwards."

Chris Coles contributed to this report from Bangkok. Click here to read the Times of London coverage of this story.