Supporting American Workers is Un-American

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

A fight for American values is taking place in Wisconsin. Gov. Scott Walker is valiantly working to dismantle his state's unions while an unruly mob of arugula-latte sipping elitists are trying to stop him. A hundred years ago this was a nation of workers. The economy was so good, there were more children in the workforce than in school. There were just that many jobs! Then the unions ruined everything. As long as unions insist that workers get paid a living wage in actual money, of course the jobs will go to China, where you can buy a day's labor with a bowl of noodles. Those should be American workers getting paid in noodles!

Sure, it would be great to pay all workers a living wage, but the money for that just doesn't exist. Theoretically it could, since in the past twenty years, US GDP has grown at an average 2.6% and the population has only grown at 1.09%. However, you have to factor in CEO pay, which rose nearly 300% over the same period (see chart below). And with good reason! Today's CEO's are technologically superior to the obsolete CEOs of the past. Reducing their compensation or (God forbid!) increasing their taxes are ideas so radical, they cannot even be discussed.

The real solution to balancing our budgets and creating jobs is to return to the values of our founding fathers, who recognized that paying workers at all is un-American. They built this nation by the labor of a vast, unpaid workforce. As long as there was no pay, there were plenty of jobs to go around. Until 1862, African-Americans enjoyed a 100% employment rate. Talk about affirmative action!

Unions threaten America, not necessarily with a redistribution of wealth, but at least with a socialist redistribution of dignity. Unions insidiously demand dignity, not just for those whom God has selected for wealth and power, but dignity for every worker and every American. That is the essence of liberal elitism, and it must be stopped.

AZ Senator Stands Up for Suffering Billionaires

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-AZ) has drawn criticism for blocking the extension of unemployment benefits. As one of the leaders of a Republican filibuster, Kyl has ensured that 3.2 million Americans who lost their jobs in this recession will be cut off from benefits by the end of the month. Kyl argues that at a time of record deficit, America cannot afford an extra $35 billion for a program that he believes discourages people from looking for work.

This week, Kyl showed that despite his fiscal austerity, he is not without compassion. The Arizona senator appeared on Fox News Sunday to defend the extension of the Bush tax cut for the wealthiest Americans, at a cost of $678 billion-- a number many economists believe to be larger than $35 billion.

Percy Whetherby, of the Billionaires of America Relief Fund (BARF) praises Kyl's priorities. "Middle class Americans don't understand how much billionaires suffer during a recession," he explains. "An over-leveraged billionaire may have to sell off a football team, or a European castle," adding, "the average American never has to sell off anything bigger than an engagement ring, or a kidney."

A spokesperson for the senator describes Kyl's position as a matter of simple decency: "No billionaire should have to choose between putting food on the table that once belonged to Louis XIV, and putting the food in a diamond encrusted display case to be dangled teasingly over the heads of hungry peasants via helicopter."

Obama Has Fit of Rage, Frowns Slightly

WASHINGTON, DC- An enraged Pres. Obama told Larry King yesterday that he is "furious" over the Gulf Coast oil spill. The normally calm president displayed his uncontrollable anger by pursing his lips slightly and drawing his eyebrows into a subtle frown.

"I've never seen him fly off the handle like that," an aide confided. "If I were [BP CEO] Tony Hayward, I'd be sleeping with one eye open," the aide went on to say, "just in case someone comes by to deliver a very sternly-worded letter."

BP CEO Inconvenienced by Spill

With the economy and environment of the Gulf Coast in peril, it's easy to forget the real victim of the oil spill, BP CEO Tony Hayward. Since the well began spewing about 70,000 barrels of oil a day into the ocean, it's been nothing but a headache for BP's long-suffering chief executive. "I'd like my life back," Hayward told reporters on Sunday.

Financially speaking, the oil disaster is no big deal for BP. Federal law limits the company's liability to $75 million, on average less than 3% of BP's annual profits. Senate Democrats are attempting to raise the liability cap, but James Inhofe*, an oil industry advocate who moonlights as a US senator, promises that Republicans will filibuster such attempts.

The real cost for BP is the horrible inconvenience that Hayward is suffering. It now appears that he will be forced to spend his entire summer in Louisiana, a state that no longer has any uncontaminated seafood he can eat or clean beaches he can lie out on. An aide close to the executive describes the effect on Hayward's summer vacation plans as "a tragic disaster."

*Sen. Inhofe (R-OK) has received over $1.2 million in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry. He is the ranking Republican on the Environment and Public Works Committee.

BP Cleans Gulf Coast of Toxic Jounalists

In the five weeks since news of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster exploded into the headlines, BP has been working tirelessly to stop the hazardous flow of information. It is still unclear exactly how much journalistic ink has been spilled on this story, but clean-up teams are working day and night to remove potentially toxic journalists, photographers, and bloggers from Louisiana's beaches.

Last week, CBS reporters were threatened with arrest for attempting to film a polluted beach (video here). This week, BP CEO Tony Hayward demonstrated his commitment to cleaning up the news coverage by personally shoeing a cameraman away from a pool of oil.

BP officials are optimistic that they may be able to plug all news leaks within the next several weeks, at which point they can turn their attention to stopping the actual flow of oil.

Healthcare Fears Remain After Obama Press Conference

In a prime time press conference, President Obama made his case for healthcare reform, but across the nation, doubts remain. "Government needs to stay out of healthcare," says Merta Boyle of Ohio. "What treatment is best for me is a private decision that only my insurance company can make for me."

"We don't want socialized healthcare like France," says Burt Sanchez of Tennessee, referring to the infamous

gaullist system, in which women who smoke, drink, and eat butter all day are allowed to live to 120.

"I don't like the price tag," says Ogden Chang of Florida. "If we're going to spend a trillion dollars, it better be on something worthwhile, like invading and occupying a country for six years, or propping up a bank."

"Obama keeps saying our current system is too costly, but it doesn't really cost anything," says VitaWell Insurance CEO, Milton Winchell. "We cancel our policies as soon as someone get sick, so we never pay a dime," adding "I mean, hello? It's called health insurance not sick insurance."

"Obama's plan is going to hurt small businesses like mine," says David Wiener, president of Wiener and Associates. "As a boss, I'm a real d--k. The only reason my employees don't quit is they're afraid of losing their health insurance. If people can just go out and buy into a public plan, how are we going to keep them locked in dead end jobs for the rest of their lives?"

"I think the Obama plan is just plain scary," says Irving Plank of Nebraska. "I saw this add with spooky music, and this guy with a deep voice said 'the Obama healthcare plan,' and then he yelled 'Boo!' I just about s--t myself."

"I don't think [Obama] was honest about the sacrifices he wants us to make," says Beth Wart of Indiana. "I mean actual sacrifices. I saw on Fox News, Obama's plan requires us to sacrifice our children to the demon Molech. That's the part nobody wants to talk about."

In his statement, the president insisted that he will sign healthcare reform into law by the end of the year, but clearly there are a lot of people who have yet to be won over.

Steve Jobs Receives iLiver

CUPERTINO, CA- News broke this weekend that Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, received a liver transplant in April. His new "iLiver" is sleek, white, and holds over 80 GB of bile. There is already a ten month waiting list for the new device, however it is reported that the super-rich can bypass the list to get hold of the trendy new organ right away.

Opponents of healthcare reform are citing Jobs's transplant as proof that an overhaul of the American medical system would be a grave error. "Our country has the greatest healthcare in the world for the super-rich," says Mitchell Willburn of the American Truth Foundation. "But if big government starts meddling with it, pretty soon our super-rich won't get any better treatment than the super-rich of Canada or France."

Willburn even warns of a "nightmare scenario," where the quality of care the super-rich receive declines to the level of care that uninsured Americans currently get. If this were to happen, we might even lose our super-rich to more plutocrat-friendly nations, a misfortune that would hit the uninsured the hardest. "Millions of American paparazzi would lose their jobs," Willburn says, "and the working poor would be stuck watching shows like The Real Housewives of Macau for their escapist entertainment. That would be a dark fate indeed."

Super-Villain Envies AIG Execs

Earlier this month we ran an exclusive interview with world re- nowned super- villain, the Infamous Professor Fear. Ten days before news broke of AIG's most recent round of bonuses, Prof. Fear was blogging about his criminal rivalry with AIG's super-villain executives. Click here to read his blog.

Luxury Shelter Houses Homeless CEOs

NEW YORK- With media coverage of the recession focused on the middle-class and working poor, it is easy to lose sight of those hit hardest by the economic downturn: the CEOs. "You read about these families losing their houses," bemoans Sloan Westwood, former CEO of Cervico Systems, "and what they don't tell you is that most of these homes weren't even worth more than a few hundred thousand dollars. Big deal. They don't know what loss is."

Westwood lost more than two hundred million in stocks and mutual funds. Then his business went under, leaving him destitute, with barely ten million dollars to his name. "When I finally had to give up my Upper East Side penthouse, I had nowhere to go. My house in the Hamptons was being remodeled, and my house in the Berkshires was just too far away." When hope seemed gone, Westwood found help at the Eleganza Haven, a new luxury shelter on the Lower East Side.

Paid for with tax dollars, the Haven offers refuge and dignity to CEOs who've had to melt down their golden parachutes and trophy wives just to get by. The center also provides job training for fields in which CEOs typically have no expertise, such as carpentry, plumbing, and business management.

"There simply hasn't been an adequate safety-net for these poor souls," says Eleganza founder, Theresa Snow. "If a normal person recklessly drives his car into a lake, the insurance company just hands you a brand new car, no questions asked. Right? But if a CEO runs his multi-billion dollar business into the ground, he's forced to live with the consequences of his actions. How's that fair?"

Not everyone is happy with this new facility. "It's ruining the neighborhood," says Mickey Clark, a long-time homeless resident of the Lower East Side. "I used to support myself recycling cans. Now these CEOs have their personal assistants scoop them all up before I get a chance." Clark used to reside at the historic Bowery Mission, until it was torn down so the Eleganza could have an indoor polo field.

While the long term effects on the neighborhood are in question, it is clear that the shelter has a profound impact on the CEOs who stay there. "You can see in their eyes what it means to them," says Olivier Lecroix, executive chef at the Haven's soup kitchen, where today's soup is a white bean with black truffle oil. "I'm just happy to help relieve their suffering."