Gov. Perry Wants to Get It On With America

IOWA CITY- Presidential hopeful, Gov. Rick Perry said yesterday that the US deserves a president who is "in love with America." Sources close to the Texas governor say he has had a crush on the United States since his pre-teen years. During junior high, he would spend long hours locked in his room, surrounded by posters of scantily clad purple mountain majesties, or suggestive pictures of amber waves of grain washing a sports car.

Unlike Pres. Obama, who only calls a press conference when he has business to discuss, Gov. Perry promises if elected to frequently call press conferences just to say "I love you," or to ask the nation how its day is going. And he promises to never mention how fat America is getting.

In lieu of a jobs bill or stimulus plan, Perry would frequently surprise the US with flowers or little love notes. And as with the last Texas governor who became president, America should expect to get f*cked good and hard.

Confused Conservative Attends Wrong 'Teabagger Convention'

NASHVILLE, TN- The first ever National Tea Party Convention is underway this weekend at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, drawing massive crowds of over 600 people. More than 0.00002% of the American population has shown up to express its outrage with the current administration.

Unfortunately for conservative blogger, Peter Cockwright, that is not where he ended up. Despite having pre-paid the $549 admission fee to attend this grassroots, populist uprising, Cockwright accidentally spent the past two days at a teabagging party at Club Gaylord, an entirely unrelated Nasvhille establishment.

On Thursday night, while convention attendees were treated to former Colorado congressman, Tom Tancredo's speech on why we must return to Jim Crow era voting literacy tests to prevent Pres. Obama's re-election, Cockwright was across town, experiencing an entirely different opening night ceremony, which he posted about on his blog:

When I first walked in, it was everything I hoped for, a room filled with strong and healthy men, ready to fight for our liberties. To show my patriotism, I was dressed like a Revolutionary War soldier. I was pleased to see many other men dressed as iconic American heroes: cowboys, firefighters, Mae West, etc.

For the next several hours, I did have to undergo some certain… shall we say, hazing rituals that took me back to my old fraternity days. I think I even got hazed by Glenn Beck himself, although I'm not sure, 'cause I didn't get a good look at his face.

But the most important thing was that we were all of one spirit. When I cried out "the liberals and gays are taking over America," the entire room cheered, ready to face the threat together.

After two days of teabagging, Cockwright finally began to suspect he was in the wrong place this morning, when he learned that tonight's main activity would be naked Twister. "I have no problem with fun and games," Cockwright posted, "but I was promised a keynote address by Sarah Palin."

Now that he has figured out his mistake, Cockwright hopes to make it to the actual convention in time to hear the speech blue-collar heroine, Sarah Palin is being paid $100,000 to deliver, but he may be tight on time. "I really don't want to leave here until after today's 'Sausage Sandwich Party,'" he explains. "I love Sarah and all, but I never pass up a free meal."

Senators Not Swayed by Massive Piles of Cash

WASHINGTON, DC- Five Democrats joined with Republicans on the Senate Finance Committee yesterday to shoot down a public health option. Although all five received substantial campaign contributions from the insurance industry, they insist this was not a factor in their vote.

"I'm doing what's best for America, not the insurance companies," explained Sen. Tom Carper (DE) in a statement issued while shining the shoes of a WellPoint executive. Despite the $233,000 he has taken from the insurance industry, he vowed that he is "not beholden to anyone."

"I'm just looking out for my constituents," Sen. Kent Conrad (ND) said, while washing a car for a Blue Cross executive. He vowed that the $233,625 he received from insurance companies did not influence his decision. Although North Dakota has one of the highest rates of uninsured citizens in the country, Conrad is convinced a public option would be bad for his state.

Sen. Blanche Lincoln (AR), who took $330,850 in insurance money, also had her constituents in mind when she voted against the public option. "A public option is not going to help the 17.5% of Arkansans who are uninsured," she insisted while running to pick up dry-cleaning for an Oxford executive.

Finance Committee Chairman, Sen. Max Baucus (MT), who led the fight against the public option, has received $558,075 from insurers. He also made a statement following the vote, however it was unintelligible, as he was fellating the CEO of UnitedHealth.

Being Gay a Socialist Plot, Congressman Reveals

On a radio talk show this week, Iowa Republican, Rep. Steve King announced that gay marriage is "a purely socialist concept." The congressman argued that the entire marriage-equality movement is a vast conspiracy to overthrow democracy and institute a communist regime. To hear an audio clip of his statement, click here.

Following King's remarks, a representative for the Human Rights Campaign offered a full confession. "We have been outed," the spokesperson explained, "the truth is that between 10%-15% of Americans are secretly Marxist revolutionaries, merely posing as gay people. There are no real gay people. It's just something we made up as a cover."

The specifics of how gay marriage was supposed to bring about a socialist revolution remain unclear to everyone except Rep. King and senior members of the Communist Party (a.k.a the Gay Men's Chorus). "I know I'm just a simple operative, but the plot never really made sense to me," says Bruce Laforge, an interior designer whose real name is Vladmir Petroski. "I mean I've been blowing guys for fifteen years and the capitalist regime isn't any closer to falling," adding "frankly I'll be glad to get back to my wife in Russia."

Listen to the audo clip here.

Iowa to Vote on Straight Marriage Ban

DES MOINES- A group of gay conservatives, seeking to uphold the sanctity of marriage, have succeeded in securing a special election to vote on Proposition 9, a measure to ban heterosexual marriage in Iowa. "With over 50% of different-sex marriages ending in divorce, straight people have abused the institution to the point where they no longer deserve the privilege," says the Rev. Thomas Weeber, of the American Values Association, the group that authored Prop 9. "What they do in private is their business, but when they insist on calling it 'marriage,' it starts taking away my rights." When asked how someone else's marriage affects his rights, Weever explains "Well, it just does."

Roberta Mercer, a working mother, says she plans to vote for the initiative. "I'm not anti-straight," she says, "but I have to think about my children. What am I supposed to say when my daughter asks 'Why does Jimmy have only one mommy?' Or, 'Why is Cyndi's daddy f---ing his secretary?' These aren't issues children should be confronted with." Mercer adds, "and yes, Cyndi's daddy is totally f---ing his secretary, and everybody knows it. Sorry, Cyndi."

Straight marriage has been legal in Iowa since 1833, but under Prop 9, all previously recognized different-sex unions would be legally dissolved. "I can't believe it," says Mabel Warren, who has been married to a man of the opposite sex for twenty-seven years. "I made a vow before God that no matter how fat or bald or abnormally gassy my Bill gets, I would spend every day with him until one of us is dead. But with just one vote, all of that could get wiped out. What time do the polls open?"

The American Values Association spent over ten million dollars to get Prop 9 on the Iowa ballot. Since the group is based in San Francisco, and has no actual connection to Iowa, critics have questioned whether it is appropriate or even legal for the group to play such a large role in Iowa politics. Rev. Weeber has no such qualms. "This is a moral issue which transcends state boundaries," he explains. "In his first letter to the Corinthians, St. Paul explicitly states that men should not marry women," adding, "If we embrace different-sex marriage, we're just one step away from embracing different-species marriage, and while I'm sure the radical straight activists would love to come home and find their mothers in bed with an orangutan, it's not going to happen on my watch."

Iowans will vote on the initiative on Tuesday. Until then, the AVA will be sponsoring a prayer vigil. Those wishing to purchase a "Ban Straight Marriage" button may contact Rev. Weeber directly at nostraightweddings@gmail.com

Editorial: Kenneth Starr, Defender of Morality

by Irwin Kram

Just over a decade ago, Kenneth Starr led the good fight against the debauchery of our libertine "president," Bill Clinton. Starr's $30 million investigation into allegations of conspiracy, fraud, and even murder turned up none of those things, but what it did reveal was much darker: oral sex. No matter how many times I read and re-read Starr's graphic descriptions of Clinton's lewd acts, I was continually disgusted-- but grateful to see the crimes of the Democrat leader sucked out into the light of day.

This week, Starr is once again leading the cause against immorality. Yesterday he stood before the California Supreme Court arguing in defense of Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage in California. Californians voted for Prop 8 fair and square, but radical gay activists are trying to get the Court to overturn it. If they succeed, Starr argued, they will be taking away Californians' basic human right to take away other people's rights.

Starr gets it. As a Christian fundamentalist, he understands that the Bible clearly defines marriage as between one man and only as many women as he can afford to maintain. The Bible is also clear about what is not marriage, which is why although a man may father as many children with his slave-girl as she can bear, what exists between them can never be a marriage.

Now this is where the liberal media just loves to jump in and call opponents of gay marriage "homophobic," as if we were the ones who wrote God's law. Given the choice, I'm sure all good Christian men would rather have sex with other men, but that's not our decision. You can't just pick and choose which of God's laws you're going to follow and which you aren't (except of course for the ones that are obviously silly, like not being allowed to wear a garment of two different fabrics, or having to help the poor).

Standing before the justices yesterday, his silver hair glistening like a halo of holiness, Starr resembled a white knight, charging against the evils of sodomy and licentiousness, thrusting forward ever harder on his white steed, his sweat mingling with the horse's. I know that as he has ever done, Starr will chase down the spectre of immorality, drive his firm sword deep, deep into his foe's soft flesh, then force him to his knees before him, making him to swallow the sweet, syrupy nectar of righteousness. If we are lucky, he will write another detailed book about it.