Super Committee to Appoint 'Super Duper Committee'

WASHINGTON, DC- In the event that the twelve member Congressional Super Committee is unable to reach a deficit reduction deal, committee members have proposed a two member "Congressional Super Duper Committee," which would consist of a representative of each party fighting to the death in a cage. Both parties are confident that the Super Duper Committee will achieve real deficit reduction as long as the resulting deal does not include any new taxes or spending cuts.

Cain is Victim of Dem 'Time Machine'

PHOENIX- Herman Cain's presidential bid was going well until he became the GOP front runner. Then out of nowhere, he suddenly had to settle two sexual harassment suits a decade ago. In a press conference yesterday he claimed that he was the victim of "the Democrat Machine"-- a machine which many analysts now suspect is a time machine.

"It seems like a pretty big coincidence that these allegations didn't exist until last week, when they suddenly had been a matter of public record since 1999," a campaign spokesperson said.

Cain also was alarmed when just days after he warned that China was trying to develop nuclear weapons, the Asian superpower suddenly developed them in 1964.

"We're not the ones making Cain look bad," claimed Democratic National Committee spokesperson, Emmett Brown. "And whether it was last month when he compared his candidacy to a popular ice-cream flavor that suddenly hasn't existed for years, or next month when he trips over the podium at the 103rd Republican debate, there's no 'time machine' involved."

"Of course there's a time machine," said one Republican strategist. "How else could Obama fake his birth announcement in 1961? Or wreck the economy nearly three years before he took office? How else could he have slipped a made-up 'separation of Church and state' into the Constitution?"

Pres. Obama was unavailable to respond to the allegations as he was attending a fundraising gala in 1920.

Cain and Bachmann Have "Crazy-Off" Duel

HANOVER, NH- In last night's GOP debate, pizza-mogul Herman Cain touted his "9-9-9" tax plan, saying that it had been devised with the help of one of the world's leading economists, some guy who works at a bank in Cleveland. Rep. Michele Bachmann, who recently has slipped behind Cain among mentally unhinged voters, attacked Cain's plan on the grounds that "when you take the 9-9-9 plan and you turn it upside down" it spells "6-6-6."

Accepting Rep. Bachmann's challenge to an all-out crazy-off, Cain reportedly now is developing a new border security plan with the help of a chain-link expert from a Milwaukee Home Depot and a Wichita LoJack salesman.

The Bachmann campaign released a statement that a Cain presidency would be disastrous for the country because the letters from "President Herman Cain" can be re-arranged to spell "I rent penis dancer ham," a phrase that suggests both sexual immorality and the end of American ham ownership.

Pastor Calls Mormonism Crazier than Regular Christianity

WASHINGTON, DC- Pastor Robert Jeffress caused a stir this week when he suggested that voters should choose Gov. Rick Perry over Mitt Romney because Mormonism "is a cult." Jeffress, who believes that two thousand years ago God got a virgin pregnant and became his own son to save mankind from the damnation he himself had prepared for them, thinks Romney's religion is a little bit crazy.

"You do have to admit, Mormonism is pretty weird," said a member of Jeffress' First Baptist Church in Dallas, a group that claims to save parishioners' souls by dunking them in a large tub of water. "Mormons think Jesus told people to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and then he came back from the dead," the baptist said, "so at least that's normal. But when they say God gave golden plates to Joseph Smith, that's just freaky-ville."

Despite the controversy, Jeffress stands by his statement, but says that he will pray for Romney while kneeling in front of an ancient Roman execution device which he believes allows him to talk to God.

Nation Struggles to Come to Terms with New Facebook

Millions of Facebook users were shocked and saddened this week when the popular social networking site once again suddenly became completely different. Many wandered the streets of Yoville aimlessly, as theologians and politicians looked for meaning in an otherwise senseless disaster.

"Clearly we have angered Facebook with our idolatry," explained the Rev. Myrna Mayhew. "We must set aside the temptations of Google+ and Twitter, and recommit ourselves to the one true newsfeed."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) blamed the Facebook changes on the "job-killing policies" of Pres. Obama. "If we just lower taxes on billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook will magically go back to the way it was."

In addition to changes to Facebook's "newsfeed," and the introduction of the "Tickler"-- a sidebar designed to be exactly as annoying as actually being tickled, Facebook has introduced several other new features, including drunk-face-recognition software, which automatically changes your profile picture to the most embarrassing photo that exists of you on the internet.

Facebook also has partnered with several banks and bathroom scales so users' exact weight and account balances can appear next to their posts. Users can opt out of this function by going into their privacy settings, holding down ctrl+option+tab+shift+Q+M+Z+P+L, and typing the seventeen letter captcha that appears while standing on one foot.

But don't get too comfortable with the new Facebook design. Insiders report that more convenience-enhancing changes are on the way. Facebook programmers are already looking into technology that would would change the "poke" feature into an actual physical poke, and that would replace the "like" button with a sticky substance that irritates your skin.

Gov. Perry Wants to Get It On With America

IOWA CITY- Presidential hopeful, Gov. Rick Perry said yesterday that the US deserves a president who is "in love with America." Sources close to the Texas governor say he has had a crush on the United States since his pre-teen years. During junior high, he would spend long hours locked in his room, surrounded by posters of scantily clad purple mountain majesties, or suggestive pictures of amber waves of grain washing a sports car.

Unlike Pres. Obama, who only calls a press conference when he has business to discuss, Gov. Perry promises if elected to frequently call press conferences just to say "I love you," or to ask the nation how its day is going. And he promises to never mention how fat America is getting.

In lieu of a jobs bill or stimulus plan, Perry would frequently surprise the US with flowers or little love notes. And as with the last Texas governor who became president, America should expect to get f*cked good and hard.

Obama Turns 50, Opponents Outraged

Pres. Obama drew criticism today as he turned fifty. "The fact that he did something this radical and partisan without consulting Congress shows he has no regard for the Constitution," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who vowed to use Senate procedural rules to block the president from being served his birthday cake.

"We've seen this before," warned presidential hopeful, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). "You know who else turned fifty? Adolph Hitler. And that was the year he bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm just saying."

The president had hoped to celebrate his birthday by having a quiet dinner with his wife, but in light of Republican objections he is now offering a compromise in which he will have dinner alone, and a tearful House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will administer his birthday spankings.

All White Christians Suspected of Terrorism after Norway Attacks

When news broke of the horrific terror attacks in Norway, many were quick to blame Muslim extremists. The revelation that the suspected culprit is instead a white conservative Christian now has led to a global backlash against white Christians.

"This isn't a racial thing, but let's be real here," said an FBI official. "If you look at the biggest atrocities of the last century… the Oklahoma City bombing, the Olympic Park bombings, the Holocaust, and the massive terror attack that toppled the government of Iraq, it's always the work of some white Christian guy."

Fox News correspondent Juan Williams has admitted that he would be uncomfortable flying with white Christians. Presidential candidate Herman Cain has said that he would bar white Christians from serving in his administration, and that communities should be allowed to ban golf clubs, moose lodges, and other institutions where white Christians are known to congregate. New Mexico now requires state troopers to stop any car displaying a Jesus fish and demand the driver present proof of citizenship.

"This kind of profiling is unfair," says the Rev. Jeremy Cockwright, a white Christian cleric who claims to have no terrorist ties. "Just because a handful of extremists have done things like bomb women's health clinics, burn crosses on lawns, go on random shooting sprees, engage in ritualistic serial killings, operate networks of organized crime, form massive suicide cults, orchestrate elaborate financial manipulations that threaten to bring down the global economy, carry out acts of genocide... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where I was going with this."

Homeland Security is calling on all citizens to be on the lookout for white extremists in their neighborhoods. If you see someone whose skin is lighter than a Whole Foods grocery bag, or anyone carrying a Whole Foods grocery bag, do not hesitate to notify the authorities.

Congressman's Penis Brings Nation Together

NEW YORK- Rep. Anthony Weiner's sexting scandal has now been front page news longer than the death of Osama bin Laden. Long after the nation has forgotten who bin Laden was or what he did, Americans will forever remember where they were when they first saw the congressman's bulging shorts.

The member of Congress' member has stretched across the aisle, uniting Republicans and Democrats in shared disgust. Having now resigned from offices, Weiner has pledged to continue using penis as a metaphorical or perhaps literal bridge to help people of opposing political views come together in unity.

'May 21 Doomsayers Are Crazy,' Says 2012 Doomsayer

Followers of the Rev. Harold Camping and his Family Radio Network are preparing for the end of the world on May 21st, a date Camping arrived at using a mathematical formula to derive hidden messages from the Bible.

"What a load of hooey," says Grover Mulch, one of many believers that the world will instead end on December 21st, 2012, as predicted by the Mayan calendar. "Anyone who thinks you can figure out the end of the world from a thousands-of-years-old book is crazy. Clearly you need a thousands-of-years-old stone carving to do that."

Mulch fears the hype around May 21st will get many believers into trouble. "People are quitting their jobs and spending all their savings. What's going to happen when May 21st comes and goes, and they have to support their families for another 19 months?" Mulch has no such financial concerns for himself, having received a large advance payment from black market organ smugglers who expect to harvest his kidneys in 2013. "Suckers!" says Mulch.

Of course there are a few people who don't believe the world will end on either of those days. Melvin Lessor believes the true date of the apocalypse is September 6, 1994, the day Rev. Camping originally predicted. Lessor has been living in an underground bunker for the past sixteen years, repeatedly listening to his Ace of Bass CD and searching AltaVista for confirmation that Fox's Party of Five was in fact the final achievement of human civilization.

Does Fox Wish Obama Dead?

A National Inquisition Editorial

Detractors of Fox News had a field day on Sunday night when a network affiliate ran the headline "Obama bin Laden Dead." In fairness, correspondents for NBC, CBS, and MSNBC made similar slip-ups. Messing up one crucial letter of a word is easy to do.

Of course Fox has always spelled the Al Qaeda leader's name "Usama." So technically, they screwed up two letters. But it's wrong to act as if messing up one or two letters reveals a hidden sentiment.

Fuk News Chief Roger Asses has worked hard to assemble a pail and balasted team of reposeurs. They set their personal views aside and focus on all that matters when covering the president: pure journalistic ethnics. Not even the conspiracy minded Glenn Dick would look for a deeper meaning behind this mistake.

Of course, at least one Fox anchor mixed up as many as ten letters and announced, "President Obama is in fact dead." Fox owner Rupert Dumbf*cker was quick to explain that it was a simple slip of the tongue.

Winning War on Terror Another Failure for Obama

Pres. Obama drew criticism from his detractors this week over the strike that killed Osama bin Laden. "The fact that Obama delivered on a promise that Bush was unable to keep," said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), "is proof that this president has no ideas of his own."

Former reality TV star, Sarah Palin complained that it was cowardly to send in Navy SEALS. "A real leader would have personally engaged bin Laden in hand-to-hand combat," she said, adding "I'm a martial arts expert myself, you know. I must have watched Kung Fu Panda fifteen times."

Conspiracy theorist, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) found the whole matter suspicious. "Isn't it funny that the president knew exactly where to find bin Laden?" she asked. "Now I'm not suggesting that Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along, but what if Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along?"

Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump also suspected conspiracy. "The whole thing is just a diversion from the fact that Obama is an illegal alien… or possibly a space alien. Have you noticed he and E.T. have never been in a room at the same time?"

The next question becomes whether the White House will release photos of the Al Qaeda leader's body. "Withholding these photos is proof that Obama has more respect for terrorists than for the American people, and it means the terrorists win" said Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART). "Unless of course he does release them, in which case he's making a martyr of bin Laden and the terrorists win. Either way, it's a sad day for America."

Rick Astley Fan Gets Tricked into Looking at Outrageous Pics of Miley Cyrus

A fan of 80's pop artist, Rick Astley was disappointed this weekend while searching on YouTube for the video, Never Gonna Give You Up. "I clicked on a video that promised to be the real thing," explained Dirk Gleason, of Belcourt, North Dakota, "and instead I found Miley Cyrus mooning someone. Why would anybody post that?"

Later, Gleason was sure he had found the actual video. "This is definitely it," he said triumphantly, adding, "Hold on… World of Warcraft cheats? What the f--k?"

The actual, honest-to-God, video for the song that reached #1 on the American, British, and Canadian charts in 1987 appears at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gv5n8LUSGs. We promise.

'Poor Tax' Is Deficit Solution

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Yesterday, Pres. Obama showed that his deficit plan is just the Democrats' answer to everything: tax the rich. What he doesn't understand is that by taxing the rich you'll discourage people from getting rich in the first place. It's hard work to become a billionaire. Most spend half their lives as struggling millionaires before inheriting the rest from their parents. If you force them to pay an extra 0.0001% of each billion (which is almost as much as the president is asking for), most would-be billionaires are going to check out and say "what's the point?"

Instead of punishing people for being rich, we need a tax incentive that will make them think twice before deciding to be poor. A targeted "Poor Tax" is the only answer. Some would argue that the current GOP budget plan (which proposes cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Head Start, Pell Grants, unemployment, food stamps, housing aid, public schools, and other social services while simultaneously cutting taxes for the wealthiest) already shifts the costs of society onto its poorest members. I say it is not nearly enough.

Let's not forget who's really responsible for the economic downturn. People like to blame the bankers and fat cats, but if so many middle class Americans hadn't gotten so poor so fast, there would be no economic downturn. It's only fitting they should pay their fair share.

Grown-Ups Protest Defunding of NPR

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The Real American History

by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week the liberal media jumped all over Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) just because she got confused about where the American Revolution started. Like Ms. Bachmann, I homeschool my children, so I am happy to clear up American history.

The "shot heard round the world" was fired

not in New Hampshire, as Ms. Bachmann understandably thought, but in Williamsburg, VA. It was heard round the world because Benjamin Franklin invented the ham radio by tying a ham to a kite in a thunderstorm.

We threw off the shackles of socialism and defeated the British, who at that time were Muslim extremists. Afterwards, James Madison came down from Mt. Rushmore with two stone tablets containing the Constitution, as dictated by God.

All went smoothly until 1929, when FDR founded the Democrat Party. We immediately entered the Great Depression and Nazis tried to take over the world. We defeated the Nazis when a young Ronald Reagan took Hitler down in hand-to-hand combat.

In 1961, Barack Obama was born (allegedly in the US) and things took an immediate turn for the worse: sex, drugs, and a loss of American values.

Pres. George W. Bush succeeded in restoring American honor, kept us safe from terrorist attack, and was so successful at eradicating Iraqi WMDs that not a trace of them were ever found. Then in 2004, Obama was elected to the Senate and the economy begin to tank.

Today, Obama is President and is working to undo all that America has accomplished, taking us back to where we were over two hundred years ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth. His wasteful "stimulus" package contained money to save the jobs of over 200,000 teachers, who (as I have just demonstrated) we don't even need.

NPR Exec Commits Crime of Independent Thought

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week an NPR executive was secretly filmed expressing his private, personal opinion that Tea Party members are racist. Naturally, NPR's chief executive needed to resign by the end of the week, as holding such an opinion runs counter to the fundamental responsibility of journalism, which is to make the Tea Party look awesome.

Teabaggers are not racists. They are a cross section of America, from a wide variety of Christian faiths, whose skin-color spans every possible shade of white. They are motivated not by bigotry, but a profound love for this country and the understandable desire to lynch a black president.

But this is not about the Tea Party. It's about journalism. It is simply a crime for a member of a news organization to have an independent thought about a story-- unless the story is NPR, such as when Fox News Chief Roger Ailes called NPR executives Nazis. Of course this was not so much an opinion as a statement of fact. We all know there is a very fine line between launching a war for total world domination and issuing a commemorative tote bag.

A true journalist must be a mindless automaton, merely regurgitating the talking points of either side. This is why the Inquisition has replaced most of its human staff with an army of robots. The new News Director is pictured below. I have been assured that he has spinning razor blades for hands not for any nefarious purpose, but just to facilitate the editorial process.

Childhood on Mars Shaped Huckabee's Worldview

In a radio interview Monday, former Arkansas governor and Fox News host, Mike Huckabee said that Pres. Obama may have developed an anti-western worldview due to his childhood in Kenya. He also implied that the president's American citizenship is questionable.

As every sane member of the Earthling population is aware, the president was born an American citizen, with an American mother, who gave birth to him in America. He spent all but four years of his childhood here, and never even visited Kenya until he was an adult.

Although Huckabee claims to have been born in the US himself, not once has he publicly presented his original birth certificate, leading many to suspect that he was actually born on Mars. Since there are no black people on Mars, it only makes sense that Huckabee would come to regard them with suspicion.

The former baptist preacher may not be alone in his Martian origin. A recent poll shows that 51% of Republicans question the president's citizenship, while Republican legislatures in 11 states have introduced "birther bills" aiming to block Pres. Obama from the 2012 ballot. If the majority of Republicans are actually Martians, then their efforts to accelerate climate change, deprive Earthlings of healthcare, and foster nuclear proliferation can be understood as part of a traditional Martian culture that values the total destruction of the planet Earth.

While Huckabee has yet to confirm that he is running for president, he has promised that all his political intentions will be made clear when we finish translating his new book, To Serve Man.

Supporting American Workers is Un-American

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

A fight for American values is taking place in Wisconsin. Gov. Scott Walker is valiantly working to dismantle his state's unions while an unruly mob of arugula-latte sipping elitists are trying to stop him. A hundred years ago this was a nation of workers. The economy was so good, there were more children in the workforce than in school. There were just that many jobs! Then the unions ruined everything. As long as unions insist that workers get paid a living wage in actual money, of course the jobs will go to China, where you can buy a day's labor with a bowl of noodles. Those should be American workers getting paid in noodles!

Sure, it would be great to pay all workers a living wage, but the money for that just doesn't exist. Theoretically it could, since in the past twenty years, US GDP has grown at an average 2.6% and the population has only grown at 1.09%. However, you have to factor in CEO pay, which rose nearly 300% over the same period (see chart below). And with good reason! Today's CEO's are technologically superior to the obsolete CEOs of the past. Reducing their compensation or (God forbid!) increasing their taxes are ideas so radical, they cannot even be discussed.

The real solution to balancing our budgets and creating jobs is to return to the values of our founding fathers, who recognized that paying workers at all is un-American. They built this nation by the labor of a vast, unpaid workforce. As long as there was no pay, there were plenty of jobs to go around. Until 1862, African-Americans enjoyed a 100% employment rate. Talk about affirmative action!

Unions threaten America, not necessarily with a redistribution of wealth, but at least with a socialist redistribution of dignity. Unions insidiously demand dignity, not just for those whom God has selected for wealth and power, but dignity for every worker and every American. That is the essence of liberal elitism, and it must be stopped.

House Budget Will Kill Puppies

WASHINGTON, DC- The House will vote today on a Republican plan of sweeping budget cuts. One of its most controversial provisions will call for the execution of all the nation's puppies. "With a $1.5 trillion deficit," Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced, "we simply cannot afford small furry animals that run around and piddle everywhere."

Critics of the measure say that killing puppies will have no effect on the deficit. "If Republicans were serious about the deficit, they could have scaled back the defense budget, which accounts for 20% of deficit spending," a Democratic staffer said. "Or they could have cut the Bush tax cut for the wealthiest Americans, which is going to increase the deficit by nearly 47%."

The staffer went on to say that by killing puppies, killing PBS and NPR (which account for only 0.0003% of the budget), killing food aid for starving foreign children (which accounts for less that 0.053% of the budget), and bragging about killing 200,000 federal jobs, Republicans are not trying to cut the deficit, they are simply trying to be as mean possible, "because as Van Jones put it, they are a**holes."

Aguilera Sings Incorrect Nonsense Anthem Words, Instead of Correct Nonsense Words

ARLINGTON, TX- Christina Aguilera embarrassed herself this weekend as she attempted to sing the national anthem at the Superbowl. Near the end of the song, the pop diva accidentally sang a nonsensical string of random words, instead of the correct nonsensical string of words that make up the song's actual lyrics.

The line she flubbed was "O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming," which historians believe Francis Scott Key wrote to describe the ram entrails that were scattered following a series of ram-related explosions during the famed Battle of Whatever Battle It Was. Also, there were streamers… which he was watching… with an oar.

Michelle Obama Kills Children, Conservative Press Says

New statistics from the Governor's Highway Safety Administration show a 0.4% increase in pedestrian deaths in 2010. The Washington Examiner and the Daily Caller suggest Michelle Obama is to blame for the "sharp" rise. Her "Let's Move" campaign to fight childhood obesity is driving children away from the safety of their couches and into the paths of oncoming cars.

Reality TV star and paragon of parental responsibility, Sarah Palin has long derided the "Let's Move" campaign as a government takeover of the kitchen. It now appears that the First Lady's initiative also may be part of the administration's efforts to execute Americans via death panels.

To combat the dangerous influence of the "Let's Move" campaign, the video game industry is launching a "Never Move At All" campaign, urging children to maintain a permanently fixed position in front of their TVs and game units. "Thanks to the advent of laptops and smart phone technology, there is no longer any reason for children to make the long and dangerous trek between their TVs and their computers," a spokesperson says. "They should just stay put."

McDonald's is doing its part to boost child health and safety by redesigning the Happy Meal as a giant feedbag which parents can fasten to their children's muzzles, preventing them from ever having to get up for a snack. Once emptied, the feedbags then can be applied to the other end of the child until it is refilled and the cycle can be repeated.

The "Never Move At All" campaign is cautioning parents not to give in to the temptation to take their children out on a nice day for a game of catch. "As fun as that might be for a moment," the spokesperson says, "nothing compares to the beautiful glazed eyes, natural pallor, and oily sheen of a healthy, sedentary child."

House Passes 'Job-Killing' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- Yesterday, House Republicans voted to repeal health reform with a bill titled "The Repeal the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act." Today, they will vote on repealing financial reform with the "Democrats Hate America Financial Deregulation Bill."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said in a teary-eyed statement that he is confident by the end of the week, the House can turn its attention to the "Barack Obama Is a Poo-Poo Head Commodity Futures Trading Act."

Palin Condemns AZ Shooter for Leaving 192 Dems Alive

In the wake of today's assassination attempt against Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ), Sarah Palin condemned the shooter for leaving 192 House Democrats still alive. "It is an unspeakable tragedy that this disturbed individual left so many Democrats un-shot," the reality TV star said.

Rep. Giffords was on Palin's "target map" (see below). Although nineteen other Democrats were marked with gun-sites on her website, the Arizona shooter failed to fire at any of them. "What do I have to?" Palin asked. "Print their actual addresses?" Palin said that in light of this tragedy, she hopes the nation can set aside political differences and join together in rounding up and executing the rest of the Democrats.

House Passes 'Return to 1950' Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- On its first day, the new Republican-controlled House of Representatives passed HR 27B-6, a bill which would legally return the nation to 1950.

"This measure accomplishes the entire Republican agenda," said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), choking up with emotion. "Not only does it repeal Obamacare, it returns us to a time when our economy is strong, homosexuality is shameful, and most importantly a n*gger can't be president," adding "I can say n*gger, it's 1950."

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) responded, saying "even if the Senate passes this bill, it is unlikely that Pres. Obama will sign it into law." Boehner rebutted by slapping her butt and ordering her to make some coffee.