Kagan Criticized for Not Revealing Something Horrible About Herself

WASHINGTON, DC - Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan begin today. Republicans already have expressed outrage that in the 46,500 pages of documents Kagan has provided the Senate Judiciary Committee, she has failed to provide any evidence that she is a judicial activist, a socialist, a child molester, or a witch. "It's all very suspicious," says Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL). "You have to wonder what she's hiding."

"I'm not saying she's got a basement full of severed human heads," says Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), "but the fact that she's refused to show any proof that she does is deeply troubling." Republicans warn that if Kagan does not voluntarily proffer reasonable grounds to filibuster her nomination, they will have no choice but to filibuster her nomination.

Senator Offends Criminals

WASHINGTON DC- Attorney General Eric Holder testified before the Senate this week on the state of the Obama administration's efforts to close the Guantanamo Bay prison. Republican Sen. Sam Brownback has been leading a Senate attempt to bar the transfer of detainees to the US, claiming that these suspected terrorists are too dangerous to hold in American prisons, and that they are particulary unfit to be held in Leavenworth, in his home state of Kansas.

Many felons currently serving time in Leavenworth have taken offense at the implication that they are somehow less dangerous than the Guantanamo detainees. "You want to talk dangerous?" asks convicted mafia enforcer, Tony Gambolini. "You hear what happened to Bobby Two-Fingers? Not that I had anything to do with it, but someone chopped that little rat up and fed him to his dog. And that's just one of a dozen jobs I had nothing to do with."

Gambolini is skeptical that an incarcerated terrorist would pose a greater threat to society than he does. "What's he going to do in an eight by twelve cell that I can't do? F---ing explode? Give me a break. And we're talking guys who haven't even been convicted of anything yet."

John David Knowles, aka the Witchita Cannibal, is equally offended. "Really?" he asks. "Really? The detainees are so much more evil than I am? Did any of them build an entertainment center out of severed human heads? Somehow I doubt it."

Not all inmates are displeased with Sen. Brownback's stance. Burt Grover, a white-collar criminal who was in the process of being gang raped at the time of interview, says he's pleased the detainees won't be coming to Leavenworth. "I don't know if I'd feel safe if they were here," he says. "Because my crime wasn't serious, the judge let me pick my own prison. Security's always been important to me, so I chose a maximum security facility. I'd hate to think I made a mistake," adding "Hey, are you guys ever going to finish?"

Sen. Brownback assures American convicts he means no offense. "It's just that these terrorists are so special, I don't know if a conventional prison can hold them." Some senators have proposed placing the detainees in harder to escape scenarios, such as trapping them behind a group of fat tourists in Times Square, or locking them in a conversation with the IT guy at your company Christmas party, but until a real solution is agreed upon, the detainees must remain where they are.

Snowstorm Disproves 'Global Warming'

ATLANTA- An unseasonable March snowstorm has blanketed much of the southeastern United States, proving once and for all that "global warming," is a myth propagated by the liberal elite, according to Mitchel Wilburn, of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation. "These doomsayers claim the world is getting hotter," Wilburn explains, "but just today we got over four inches of snow in Georgia, and the Gulf of Mexico has frozen over, so clearly nothing is wrong."

In response to the Foundation's findings, former Vice-President Al Gore released a statement saying, "this is why we prefer the term 'global climate change,' because blah blah blah…" This reporter confesses to being too bored to listen closely.

Wilburn concedes that parts of the country indeed are experiencing warmer than normal temperatures, like Anchorage, AK, which was a balmy 74° today, or Bismark, ND, where temperatures have risen so high that it is impossible to step outdoors without spontaneously bursting into flames, but the conservative analyst maintains that these conditions are all within the realm of normal weather fluctuations.

"Also," Wilburn adds, "a lot of the supposed 'weather abnormalities' you hear about now don't even have anything to do with temperature." He cites the bizarre case of the Greater Salina Trailer Park in Kansas, which has not experienced a tornado in over a month, and the so-called "head-storm" in Tupelo, MS, where it has been raining severed human heads for the past three days. "Clearly this is just good old Mother Nature playing her usual tricks."

For an opposing viewpoint, we turned to Todd Sterns, the State Department's Special Envoy on Climate Change, however he was unavailable for comment, as he was away on a ski trip in Honolulu.