Thursday, June 18, 2009

Senator Offends Criminals

WASHINGTON DC- Attorney General Eric Holder testified before the Senate this week on the state of the Obama administration's efforts to close the Guantanamo Bay prison. Republican Sen. Sam Brownback has been leading a Senate attempt to bar the transfer of detainees to the US, claiming that these suspected terrorists are too dangerous to hold in American prisons, and that they are particulary unfit to be held in Leavenworth, in his home state of Kansas.

Many felons currently serving time in Leavenworth have taken offense at the implication that they are somehow less dangerous than the Guantanamo detainees. "You want to talk dangerous?" asks convicted mafia enforcer, Tony Gambolini. "You hear what happened to Bobby Two-Fingers? Not that I had anything to do with it, but someone chopped that little rat up and fed him to his dog. And that's just one of a dozen jobs I had nothing to do with."

Gambolini is skeptical that an incarcerated terrorist would pose a greater threat to society than he does. "What's he going to do in an eight by twelve cell that I can't do? F---ing explode? Give me a break. And we're talking guys who haven't even been convicted of anything yet."

John David Knowles, aka the Witchita Cannibal, is equally offended. "Really?" he asks. "Really? The detainees are so much more evil than I am? Did any of them build an entertainment center out of severed human heads? Somehow I doubt it."

Not all inmates are displeased with Sen. Brownback's stance. Burt Grover, a white-collar criminal who was in the process of being gang raped at the time of interview, says he's pleased the detainees won't be coming to Leavenworth. "I don't know if I'd feel safe if they were here," he says. "Because my crime wasn't serious, the judge let me pick my own prison. Security's always been important to me, so I chose a maximum security facility. I'd hate to think I made a mistake," adding "Hey, are you guys ever going to finish?"

Sen. Brownback assures American convicts he means no offense. "It's just that these terrorists are so special, I don't know if a conventional prison can hold them." Some senators have proposed placing the detainees in harder to escape scenarios, such as trapping them behind a group of fat tourists in Times Square, or locking them in a conversation with the IT guy at your company Christmas party, but until a real solution is agreed upon, the detainees must remain where they are.

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