Monday, November 22, 2010

TSA Seeks Experienced Fondlers to Assist in Groping Travelers

With stringent new security measures going into effect just as the busiest travel season kicks off, the TSA is looking for additional hands to pat, squeeze, and clutch holiday travelers. The agency has placed ads on Craigslist, the nation's most comprehensive database of experienced gropers and mashers. To find truly skilled ticklers, graspers, and fingerbangers, the TSA is also calling for assistance from massage parlor workers, priests, and your strange Uncle Phil.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Nazi Offended by NPR Comparison

In an interview this week, Fox News Chief Roger Ailes described NPR executives as left wing Nazis. The comment enraged many surviving Nazis who see little similarity between the fascist regime that occupied most of Europe and killed 6 million Jews, and the radio network that brings you All Things Considered.

"How many countries has NPR invaded?" asks Heinrich Gutter, who joined the Nazi party during its 1933 Nuremberg Pledge Drive. "Not one."

Gutter became part of Joseph Goebbels' Ministry of Propaganda, where he produced Klik und Klak, a regular radio transmission about the superiority of German automotive engineering. He later went on to work on several other Nazi broadcasts, including This Aryan Life, and Wait, Wait Don't Shoot Me.

NPR's biggest failure, Gutter says, is in the field of his speciality. "To be a true propaganda disseminator," he says, "a news outlet must be a direct mouthpiece for the party. Every news story must advance the party's ideology. Their paid correspondents should be prominent party members and candidates. And the head of the propaganda ministry must viciously attack anyone who criticizes the party, preferably by calling them Nazis."

Gutter hopes that Ailes will fully retract his comment, as he wants to be in no way associated with public radio. "If I thought the Third Reich was anything like those public radio weaklings," he says, "I would throw out my Nazi tote bag right now."

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Obama Caves on Tax Cuts, Launches Nationwide Search for His Balls

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Republicans have been filibustering to block tax cuts for middle-class Americans unless the wealthiest 1% of Americans can also get tax cuts. Although the Republican plan to give an extra $100,000 to every millionaire in the country will increase the deficit by $700 billion, the White House is indicating that it is willing to accept it.

In an unrelated story, the president admitted this week that he has lost his balls. In the months leading up to his election, then Sen. Obama used to play basketball boldly, with large, strong balls that seemed destined to accompany him to the White House. It now appears that those balls were lost in the move. The president is calling on anyone who finds a sack of big, orangey-brown balls to please send them immediately to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Are Oreos a Better Leader than Michele Bachmann?

Rep. Michele Bachmann is vying for the role of GOP Conference Chair, the #4 leadership position in the House of Representatives. The Minnesota congresswoman first launched herself into the national spotlight by demanding that Democrats be investigated for "anti-American views," and by claiming that Pres. Obama plans to force the nation's children into "re-education camps."

In a Fox News interview on Monday, Bachmann cited as one of her key qualifications the fact that she has over 140,000 Facebook friends. She went on to suggest that having at least 100,000 Facebook friends should be a prerequisite for party leadership.

Following Bachmann's statement, Oreos have come forward to challenge her for the chair. Although Oreos are neither an elected member of Congress, nor an actual person, they appear to be nearly 100 times as qualified as Bachmann, with over 13 million friends.

The House Majority Whip is now expected to be Dr. House, a fictional character who has a few hundred thousand more friends than Oreos, and who may actually increase the civility and good manners of Congress. Vin Diesel is looking to be the House Majority Leader. With nearly 18 million friends, he is one of the most liked people on all of Facebook. Really.

The obvious choice for Speaker of the House is Michael Jackson. With over 23 million friends, he is the most popular human in Facebook history. Although technically dead, he has a healthier skin tone than previously presumed Speaker, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH). Jackson's new album comes out next month.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Negative Ads for Everyday Goods (video)

The midterm elections set a record for spending on negative ads, with most of the money coming from anonymous outside sources. Although many of the ads proved to be false or misleading, they were largely successful. With the elections over, the political ad-makers are now turning their talents to ads for ordinary projects. See below.

Jen Houston & Joe Smith contributed to this report.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Obama India Trip Will Cost $100 Gazillion a Day

WASHINGTON, DC- Fox News ignited a firestorm this week when it reported that Pres. Obama's upcoming India trip will cost taxpayers more than $200 million a day. Although that number is completely made up, it raises serious doubts about the president's competence.

Even more alarming is a report from the Factual American Research Trust (FART) which suggests Fox's made-up number may be too low. The FART estimates the true cost of the trip to be over $100 gazillion a day.

The FART report also contradicts Rep. Michele Bachmann's claim that the White House has reserved 870 luxury rooms in the Taj Mahal hotel. Although the hotel has under 600 rooms, the president's actual reservation appears to be for a million-bazillion rooms.

The single biggest cost of the trip may be the president's security detail, which will include the entire US Navy, the Spanish Armada, and the Millennium Falcon. All totaled, the trip will cost over infinity-squillion dollars. Since this is more than the combined wealth of the entire planet, critics suggest this routine diplomatic visit may be part of a vast, liberal conspiracy to bankrupt the solar system.

Film Reveals Hazards of Texting While Dating (video)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tea Party Candidate Wins Foursquare Mayor's Race

NEW YORK- In another humiliating defeat for Democrats, the Tea Party-backed Laura L. unseated incumbent Mark P. as the "mayor" of Pronto Pizza on Foursquare, the popular social-networking app.

"The patrons of Pronto Pizza have spoken," Laura announced in her victory statement, as she promised to "reverse the radical agenda of Mark P."

In his concession speech, Mark denied that this was a referendum on his leadership. "Laura L. didn't get elected," he argued. "She just checked in more than I did. That's how Foursquare works."

Laura's mayoral bid was the costliest in Foursquare history, with anonymous sources spending over $7 million on campaign ads. "I don't know why they ran ads," Mark said. "I really don't think they understand what Foursquare is."

Laura has promised to "run Pronto Pizza like a business," and to issue an executive order requiring Mark to return all the pizza he has purchased over the last two years.