Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Millions Flood Websites for Unpopular 'Obamacare'

Within the first hours that they opened, millions of masochistic Americans flooded the websites of the new insurance exchanges that, according to Republicans, they don't want.  Demand for the unpopular "Obamacare" was so high that the websites had trouble accommodating all the traffic. This is not surprising, as Americans typically flock by the millions to things they hate.

With over 10 million visitors, nearly as many people went to New York's health exchange on the first day as watched the despised finale of Breaking Bad, a show named for how universally disliked it is.

Delays caused by the 16,000 hits per second on California's exchange have led critics to call it the biggest failure to come out of the Golden State since the reviled new iPhone.

Republican lawmakers remain committed to overturning the hated health law so Americans can once again enjoy the things they love, such as being denied care because of pre-existing conditions, having their premiums jacked up at random, and facing total financial ruin if they ever become sick.

Monday, September 23, 2013

NRA Head Calls for 'National Database of Lunatics,' Stops Short of Signing Himself Up

Yesterday on Meet the Press, NRA leader Wayne LaPierre argued that the Navy Yard shooting could have been prevented if only the Navy had more guns. And although he has opposed the registration of guns, he called for registering America's mentally ill in a "national database of these lunatics."

Last year, LaPierre argued that the fact that President Obama took no action to restrict guns during his first term was proof of a "massive Obama conspiracy… to destroy the Second Amendment" during his second term. He also has suggested that President Obama will make it illegal to fly the American flag and that efforts to reduce gun violence will lead the UN to commit "mass executions of gun owners." Despite his call for a national database of lunatics, this leader of one of America's most powerful lobbying groups stopped short of offering to sign himself up. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

NRA: Shooting Could Have Been Prevented if Navy Had Guns

Having previously declared that the solution to school shootings is to arm teachers, the NRA now suggests the way to avert shootings like that at the Washington Navy Yard, at Fort Hood in 2009, and recently at police stations in Connecticut, California, and New Jersey, is to arm police and the armed forces. The NRA cites the fact that shooter Aaron Alexis, who had previously been arrested for gun violence, was able to walk onto the military facility with an AR-15 assault rifle, a shotgun, and a semiautomatic handgun, as evidence that guns are not yet easy enough to acquire. 

Related story, "NRA: Solution to Gun Violence is Nukes"

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Americans Still Prefer 'Sternly-Worded Letter' to Syra Strike

Despite last night's address, Americans remain skeptical of President Obama's call for action in Syria. An Inq poll shows only 31% of Americans support a military strike to stop Bashir al-Assad from systematically mass-murdering civilians with weapons so ghastly that the entire civilized world has classified their use as a crime against humanity. 38% of those polled instead prefer a "sternly-worded letter."

18% believe a clever Facebook status will dissuade Assad from bombarding Syrian families with the nerve-agent sarin, which causes convulsions, paralysis, neurological damage, and death within the first minute of contact. 7% support an international drum circle as the solution, while 6% say we should simply watch funny cat videos instead of looking at the images of blue-skinned Syrian toddlers spasming to death in puddles of their own poisoned vomit.

Republican leaders warn that if President Obama does resort to a sternly-worded letter, he must seek Congressional approval to authorize the use of "all-caps."

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Red Sox Owner Buys Boston Globe

Red Sox owner, John Henry has purchased the Boston Globe for $70 million. Henry promises to continue the paper's tradition of hard-hitting, investigative journalism with the upcoming exposé, "Why the Yankees Suck."