NRA Head Calls for 'National Database of Lunatics,' Stops Short of Signing Himself Up

Yesterday on Meet the Press, NRA leader Wayne LaPierre argued that the Navy Yard shooting could have been prevented if only the Navy had more guns. And although he has opposed the registration of guns, he called for registering America's mentally ill in a "national database of these lunatics."

Last year, LaPierre argued that the fact that President Obama took no action to restrict guns during his first term was proof of a "massive Obama conspiracy… to destroy the Second Amendment" during his second term. He also has suggested that President Obama will make it illegal to fly the American flag and that efforts to reduce gun violence will lead the UN to commit "mass executions of gun owners." Despite his call for a national database of lunatics, this leader of one of America's most powerful lobbying groups stopped short of offering to sign himself up. 

Cain and Bachmann Have "Crazy-Off" Duel

HANOVER, NH- In last night's GOP debate, pizza-mogul Herman Cain touted his "9-9-9" tax plan, saying that it had been devised with the help of one of the world's leading economists, some guy who works at a bank in Cleveland. Rep. Michele Bachmann, who recently has slipped behind Cain among mentally unhinged voters, attacked Cain's plan on the grounds that "when you take the 9-9-9 plan and you turn it upside down" it spells "6-6-6."

Accepting Rep. Bachmann's challenge to an all-out crazy-off, Cain reportedly now is developing a new border security plan with the help of a chain-link expert from a Milwaukee Home Depot and a Wichita LoJack salesman.

The Bachmann campaign released a statement that a Cain presidency would be disastrous for the country because the letters from "President Herman Cain" can be re-arranged to spell "I rent penis dancer ham," a phrase that suggests both sexual immorality and the end of American ham ownership.

Pastor Calls Mormonism Crazier than Regular Christianity

WASHINGTON, DC- Pastor Robert Jeffress caused a stir this week when he suggested that voters should choose Gov. Rick Perry over Mitt Romney because Mormonism "is a cult." Jeffress, who believes that two thousand years ago God got a virgin pregnant and became his own son to save mankind from the damnation he himself had prepared for them, thinks Romney's religion is a little bit crazy.

"You do have to admit, Mormonism is pretty weird," said a member of Jeffress' First Baptist Church in Dallas, a group that claims to save parishioners' souls by dunking them in a large tub of water. "Mormons think Jesus told people to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and then he came back from the dead," the baptist said, "so at least that's normal. But when they say God gave golden plates to Joseph Smith, that's just freaky-ville."

Despite the controversy, Jeffress stands by his statement, but says that he will pray for Romney while kneeling in front of an ancient Roman execution device which he believes allows him to talk to God.

'May 21 Doomsayers Are Crazy,' Says 2012 Doomsayer

Followers of the Rev. Harold Camping and his Family Radio Network are preparing for the end of the world on May 21st, a date Camping arrived at using a mathematical formula to derive hidden messages from the Bible.

"What a load of hooey," says Grover Mulch, one of many believers that the world will instead end on December 21st, 2012, as predicted by the Mayan calendar. "Anyone who thinks you can figure out the end of the world from a thousands-of-years-old book is crazy. Clearly you need a thousands-of-years-old stone carving to do that."

Mulch fears the hype around May 21st will get many believers into trouble. "People are quitting their jobs and spending all their savings. What's going to happen when May 21st comes and goes, and they have to support their families for another 19 months?" Mulch has no such financial concerns for himself, having received a large advance payment from black market organ smugglers who expect to harvest his kidneys in 2013. "Suckers!" says Mulch.

Of course there are a few people who don't believe the world will end on either of those days. Melvin Lessor believes the true date of the apocalypse is September 6, 1994, the day Rev. Camping originally predicted. Lessor has been living in an underground bunker for the past sixteen years, repeatedly listening to his Ace of Bass CD and searching AltaVista for confirmation that Fox's Party of Five was in fact the final achievement of human civilization.

Crazy Guy at Bus Stop Accuses Sarah Palin of Stealing His Act

NEW YORK- In a Facebook posting on Friday, Alaskan housewife Sarah Palin called President Obama's healthcare plan "downright evil," warning that it will create a "death panel" to murder Down Syndrome babies and senior citizens. Bob Schmidt, who resides outside the New York Port Authority Bus Terminal immediately took offense. "I'm the crazy guy at the bus stop, okay? It's my job to rant about government death squads. If a former vice-presidential candidate uses that kind of rhetoric, how am I supposed to top that? Foam at the mouth and bark like a dog?"

Schmidt accuses Palin of repeatedly plagiarizing his work. In her gubernatorial farewell address, Palin spoke of "such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers." Schmidt claims these words were lifted directly from a 2005 speech he delivered to no one in particular while urinating on himself on the F train.

Palin is not the only one Schmidt accuses of stealing his words. "For years I've been standing on street corners screaming 'the president is a Nazi.' Now people burst into town hall meetings yelling that, and I don't even get royalties. Even Rush Limbaugh is stealing from me." Schmidt refers to Limbaugh's August 6 radio show, in which he most recently likened Obama to Hitler.

Schmidt believes people have been stealing his brain waves ever since he lost his health insurance and had to stop taking his medication. In spite of an aluminum foil hat he designed to protect against such "psychic eavesdropping," he suspects Palin and other Republicans of using microwaves to read his thoughts. Palin declined to comment, opting instead to foam at the mouth and bark like a dog.