Saturday, August 29, 2009

Glenn Beck Uses Spelling to Expose Obama Agenda

NEW YORK- On Thursday, Fox's Glenn Beck used a new scientific method to prove that President Barack Obama is trying to undermine American democracy. Beck demonstrated that if you take the first letters of the words "Obama," "left," "internationalist," "graft," "ACORN," "revolutionaries," and "hidden agenda," you get the word "OLIGARH," which Beck explained was just one letter away from "OLIGARCHY."

Technically it's two letters away. Beck forgot the letter "C." However, Beck is not one to be embarrassed by misspelling a word on national television. He has never claimed to be a fancy speller like President Obama or Cookie Monster.

Click below to view clip. Story continues beneath.

If Beck's methodology is correct, his acronym provides irrefutable evidence not only that Obama is an oligarch (or perhaps an oligarh), but that he and ACORN are involved in revolutionary international graft.

Skeptics initially doubted whether grouping a series of unrelated words to almost spell another word can reveal a public figure's true nature, until further research demonstrated that the first letters of the phrase, "Dangerous Un-American Maniac Beck, Fox's Ugly Conspiracy-theorist Klansman" spell "DUMBF*CK."

The Inquisition invites you, our readers to post your own acronyms in the comment section below.

Stefan Avalos contributed to this report.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Michael Jackson Murdered, News Media Rejoice

Minutes after the Los Angeles County Coroner ruled Michael Jackson's death a homicide, CNN released a personal message to the pop star's loved ones. "To the family, friends, and fans of Michael Jackson," Soledad O'Brian announced, "we just want to say, this couldn't have come at a better time."

For weeks, news producers and reporters have been facing the grim spectre of eventually having to get into details of healthcare reform, or Afghanistan, or new revelations of CIA prisoner abuse, but the news that the King of Pop's death was a murder knocks all those stories off the radar.

"I'm so relieved," says Fox News reporter Rich Reichmuth. "I was sure they'd send me to Iran to cover the trial of arrested reformists." Instead Reichmuth is headed to L.A., to spend the next few weeks, months, or years investigating "how Jackson was killed, and what Obama's motive was."

News organizations aren't the only ones benefiting from the coroner's ruling. Joe Jackson is reportedly in talks with Hasbro to release a "Michael Jackson Edition" of the board game, Clue. Early reports on the game suggest that the killer may be Dr. Orange, in the bathroom, with the pills.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Online Town Hall Meeting Interrupted by Angry Rebuffering

President Barack Obama attempted to take his message of healthcare reform to the Internet yesterday in an online town hall meeting, only to be repeatedly interrupted by angry rebuffering of the streaming video. "You've all heard the rumors," the president told his online audience, "that healthcare reform will create death panels, that it will require mandatory randomly administered sex change operations, and that it will be paid for by selling our children into slave labor in China. Let me be very clear, once and for all that all of these rumors are---" At that point the video feed froze, leaving viewers' doubts still unresolved.

Morgan Wytuck, a healthcare opponent who carried a firearm as he watched the forum from his home, was pleased to see the president meet such resistance. "See," Wytuck says, "even the Internet itself is opposed to Obamacare."

"It's true," the Internet explains, "I've heard the Obama plan includes a provision to kill funny cats, and without funny cat videos, I'm nothing."

Click here to view President Obama's full online forum.

Or if you'd prefer to view funny cats, just click below.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Senator Announces Divorce from Reality

DES MOINES- One day after declaring at a town hall meeting that the Democrat-backed healthcare reform plan does indeed contain provisions of "death panels," Iowa Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley announced that he and Reality will be ending their seventy-six year relationship due to "irreconcilable differences."

Those close to the senator report that his relationship with Reality has been rocky since his declaration last month that Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor lacked a basic understanding of "what the Supreme Court is." Others suggest that Grassley's spat with Reality may have begun as early as January, when he moved to freeze funding for the National Science Foundation for fear that the scientists would use the money to look at porn.

A Grassley aide explained that the separation from Reality will free the senator to warn the public of the true dangers of the healthcare reform plan, which threatens to put vital medical decisions in the hands of government beaurocrats, socialists, and known witches. Responding to claims from Reality that Grassley is a pathetic, semi-senile old man cynically preying on fear to score political points, the aide replied "Don't listen to her. That's just Reality talking."

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Crazy Guy at Bus Stop Accuses Sarah Palin of Stealing His Act

NEW YORK- In a Facebook posting on Friday, Alaskan housewife Sarah Palin called President Obama's healthcare plan "downright evil," warning that it will create a "death panel" to murder Down Syndrome babies and senior citizens. Bob Schmidt, who resides outside the New York Port Authority Bus Terminal immediately took offense. "I'm the crazy guy at the bus stop, okay? It's my job to rant about government death squads. If a former vice-presidential candidate uses that kind of rhetoric, how am I supposed to top that? Foam at the mouth and bark like a dog?"

Schmidt accuses Palin of repeatedly plagiarizing his work. In her gubernatorial farewell address, Palin spoke of "such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers." Schmidt claims these words were lifted directly from a 2005 speech he delivered to no one in particular while urinating on himself on the F train.

Palin is not the only one Schmidt accuses of stealing his words. "For years I've been standing on street corners screaming 'the president is a Nazi.' Now people burst into town hall meetings yelling that, and I don't even get royalties. Even Rush Limbaugh is stealing from me." Schmidt refers to Limbaugh's August 6 radio show, in which he most recently likened Obama to Hitler.

Schmidt believes people have been stealing his brain waves ever since he lost his health insurance and had to stop taking his medication. In spite of an aluminum foil hat he designed to protect against such "psychic eavesdropping," he suspects Palin and other Republicans of using microwaves to read his thoughts. Palin declined to comment, opting instead to foam at the mouth and bark like a dog.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Forged Birth Certificate Proves Obama Never Born At All

Forty-eight years ago today, President Barack Obama was born at the Kapi'olani Medical Center in Honolulu— at least that's what his birth certificate claims. Based on the overwhelming evidence of "a gut feeling," a growing group of Americans believe the birth certificate is fake, that Obama actually was born in Kenya, is not an American citizen, and therefore cannot legally be president.

Never in history has it occurred to anyone to deny the citizenship of the president, not even a president with a ridiculously foreign-sounding name like Martin Van Buren, but there is some undefinable quality that makes Obama seem somehow… different from the forty-three presidents who preceded him.

"This isn't about race." explains Irwin Kram of the American Truth Foundation, "However, Obama is black, and most Kenyans are black. It does seem like a pretty big coincidence, doesn't it?"

Obama displays other suspiciously un-American qualities, like being thin, and engaging in reasoned discourse. It is also alleged that he weighs the same as a duck.

This week, the birthers gained their first piece of hard evidence, as Orly Taitz, a California lawyer/dentist/real estate agent who is leading a class action lawsuit against the president, published a Kenyan birth certificate, showing that Obama was born in Mombasa. The document immediately was proven to be a forgery, but the existence of two allegedly fake birth certificates now calls into question whether Obama was ever really born at all.

"Years from now, we'll probably look back at the mere existence of Obama as one of the great historical myths," says Kram, "like George Washington chopping down the cherry tree, or the Holocaust." In the meantime, Taitz is seeking a court injunction to prevent Obama from being served his birthday cake.

If it can be proven that Obama was either never born, or simply not born in America, he will have to yield the presidency to John McCain, who in turn will have to step down because he himself was born in Panama while his father was stationed overseas with the Navy. At that point, Sarah Palin will become president. Pundits believe that it was in preparation for this eventuality that she recently resigned as governor of Alaska.

Dr. Saul Kruggerrand contributed to this report.