Tom Cotton Reminds Gays How Much Worse Things Could Be.

Because when you think "America," you think "a little better than Iran." Courtesy of the Internet Action Force.
 

Republicans Don't Ever Want to Get Laid Again

As Republican men increasingly come out against birth control in any form, defund Planned Parenthood, make rape harder to prosecute, criminalize miscarriage, require women to have random objects jammed into their vaginas, and even denounce the Girl Scouts as a "radical organization, they are sending a clear message to women across the country: they do not ever want to have sex again. 

Nevertheless, as evidenced by Mitt Romney's five children and Rick Santorum's seven, some women are still having sex with Republicans, even those as strangely misshapen as Newt Gingrich. According to Irwin Kram of the Factual American Research Trust (FART), women's insistence on engaging in unnatural Republican sex defiles the purity of GOP values. "Since Republicans have declared abstinence the only acceptable form of birth control, women must respect that belief by abstaining from sex with them."

"Ideally," says Kram, "women should not have sex with anyone. If God intended us to have sex for pleasure, he certainly wouldn't have made it the most physically pleasurable thing we could possibly do." If women absolutely must have sex, Kram urges them not to lead God-fearing Republicans into sin, but to instead settle for godless Democrats like George Clooney or Dennis Kucinich.  

The Real American History

by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week the liberal media jumped all over Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) just because she got confused about where the American Revolution started. Like Ms. Bachmann, I homeschool my children, so I am happy to clear up American history.

The "shot heard round the world" was fired

not in New Hampshire, as Ms. Bachmann understandably thought, but in Williamsburg, VA. It was heard round the world because Benjamin Franklin invented the ham radio by tying a ham to a kite in a thunderstorm.

We threw off the shackles of socialism and defeated the British, who at that time were Muslim extremists. Afterwards, James Madison came down from Mt. Rushmore with two stone tablets containing the Constitution, as dictated by God.

All went smoothly until 1929, when FDR founded the Democrat Party. We immediately entered the Great Depression and Nazis tried to take over the world. We defeated the Nazis when a young Ronald Reagan took Hitler down in hand-to-hand combat.

In 1961, Barack Obama was born (allegedly in the US) and things took an immediate turn for the worse: sex, drugs, and a loss of American values.

Pres. George W. Bush succeeded in restoring American honor, kept us safe from terrorist attack, and was so successful at eradicating Iraqi WMDs that not a trace of them were ever found. Then in 2004, Obama was elected to the Senate and the economy begin to tank.

Today, Obama is President and is working to undo all that America has accomplished, taking us back to where we were over two hundred years ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth. His wasteful "stimulus" package contained money to save the jobs of over 200,000 teachers, who (as I have just demonstrated) we don't even need.

Supporting American Workers is Un-American

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

A fight for American values is taking place in Wisconsin. Gov. Scott Walker is valiantly working to dismantle his state's unions while an unruly mob of arugula-latte sipping elitists are trying to stop him. A hundred years ago this was a nation of workers. The economy was so good, there were more children in the workforce than in school. There were just that many jobs! Then the unions ruined everything. As long as unions insist that workers get paid a living wage in actual money, of course the jobs will go to China, where you can buy a day's labor with a bowl of noodles. Those should be American workers getting paid in noodles!

Sure, it would be great to pay all workers a living wage, but the money for that just doesn't exist. Theoretically it could, since in the past twenty years, US GDP has grown at an average 2.6% and the population has only grown at 1.09%. However, you have to factor in CEO pay, which rose nearly 300% over the same period (see chart below). And with good reason! Today's CEO's are technologically superior to the obsolete CEOs of the past. Reducing their compensation or (God forbid!) increasing their taxes are ideas so radical, they cannot even be discussed.

The real solution to balancing our budgets and creating jobs is to return to the values of our founding fathers, who recognized that paying workers at all is un-American. They built this nation by the labor of a vast, unpaid workforce. As long as there was no pay, there were plenty of jobs to go around. Until 1862, African-Americans enjoyed a 100% employment rate. Talk about affirmative action!

Unions threaten America, not necessarily with a redistribution of wealth, but at least with a socialist redistribution of dignity. Unions insidiously demand dignity, not just for those whom God has selected for wealth and power, but dignity for every worker and every American. That is the essence of liberal elitism, and it must be stopped.

Stop the Government Takeover of Congress!

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Today, House Republicans announced a "Pledge to America," promising to protect us from "an out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites." While technically speaking, these elites were appointed by a majority of the US electorate, they pose a dire threat to our Constitutional liberties. Free elections only work if when the wrong people get elected, they aren't allowed to govern. But Democrats refuse to admit that the voters were wrong, and have insisted on trying to govern anyway.

The Left has become so radical, it believes it's the government's job to make, interpret, and enforce the law. Well we the people have had enough, which is why more than 67,000 of us have joined the teabagging movement. That's nearly 0.02% of the US population, and roughly 97% of political news coverage!

But despite the appeal of ex-witch, anti-masturbation activists, voters don't need to abandon traditional Republicans to protect their freedoms. Senate Republicans have not gotten enough credit for their heroic use of the filibuster. In the three years since Democrats took control of the Senate, Republicans have mounted more filibusters than in all the years of the previous decade combined. They have protected the federal courts from being taken over by federally appointed judges, blocking a record 57% of Pres. Obama's judicial nominees, and have successfully stopped over 420 bills!

With the filibuster now a default position, Republicans need only 41 votes to defeat the 59 Democrats. This week's attempted repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell lost with 56 votes for and only 43 against. That's not just a revolution in politics, it's a revolution in math! But of course the liberal media doesn't celebrate this as historically unprecedented. They just treat it as politics as usual.

In the past three months alone, Republican senators have filibustered tax cuts, jobs bills, unemployment, even FAA safety regulations (because if the founding fathers had wanted government to regulate air travel, they would have specifically said so). Congressional Republicans understand that the Constitution limits the role of government to regulating who can marry whom and where people can worship, and they're determined to make sure it does nothing else. Anything beyond that would be un-American.

Senate Candidate Accuses Dems of 'Idolatry'

LAS VEGAS- This week, Las Vegas Sun reporter Jon Ralston uncovered a radio interview with Sharron Angle, in which the Republican Senate candidate claimed that Pres. Obama's policies violate the Bible's First Commandment, and have changed America into "a country entrenched in idolatry."

Standing before a graven image of an American eagle, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied that the Obama administration is pushing an idolatrous agenda, explaining that the hill shrines currently under construction in honor of the goddess Ashtaroth are merely part of the president's plan to create jobs.

Angle is running against Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) on a platform of eliminating the Department of Education, reinstating the prohibition of alcohol, banning abortion and same-sex marriage, and withdrawing from the United Nations. If elected, she promises to uphold those parts of the Constitution that don't conflict with American values, and will stand firmly against the president's most recent stimulus proposal, which would require the Federal Reserve to fashion its gold into the likeness of a calf, unto which sacrificial offerings may be made.

For more on making the Bible the supreme law of the land, see the Inquisition article "US Law Should be Based on Bible, or Other Large Book"

Sarah Palin Declares Bible Supreme Law of the Land

WASILLA, AK- In an interview with Bill O'Reilly last week, Sarah Palin stated that all American law should be based on the Bible. Although the founding fathers were a religiously diverse group that included agnostics, Deists, Unitarians, and Quakers, she insisted that their intention was that all US law be based on biblical doctrine.

Never one to be guilty of hypocrisy, the former governor immediately discarding her wool blend suits because it is an abomination to wear clothes of two fabrics (Leviticus 19:19). Palin then secluded herself outside the community because she was having her period and was ritually unclean (Leviticus 15:19). She intends to remain in seclusion for seven days, when she will present two young pigeons for her priest to burn on the altar to atone for the uncleanness of her discharge (Leviticus 15:30).

In the meantime, Palin is calling for the stoning death of everyone guilty of sexual immorality. Her daughter, Bristol, who gave birth to a child out of wedlock, has said that if the Bible demands it, she is willing to get stoned.

Teabaggers Say Capt. America is Un-American, Also Free Speech

Teabaggers took offense this week when issue #602 of the comic book, Captain America appeared to depict the teabagging movement as "a bunch of angry white folks." To show their displeasure with such a biased portrayal, a bunch of angry white folks showed up outside Marvel Comics to protest.

"What is America coming to, when an artist can use his work to express a political opinion?" asks teabagger, Peter Cockwright. "That's a right that should be reserved for corporations."

Marvel has issued an apology. Capt. America's arch-nemesis, the Red Skull was unavailable for comment.

Confused Conservative Attends Wrong 'Teabagger Convention'

NASHVILLE, TN- The first ever National Tea Party Convention is underway this weekend at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, drawing massive crowds of over 600 people. More than 0.00002% of the American population has shown up to express its outrage with the current administration.

Unfortunately for conservative blogger, Peter Cockwright, that is not where he ended up. Despite having pre-paid the $549 admission fee to attend this grassroots, populist uprising, Cockwright accidentally spent the past two days at a teabagging party at Club Gaylord, an entirely unrelated Nasvhille establishment.

On Thursday night, while convention attendees were treated to former Colorado congressman, Tom Tancredo's speech on why we must return to Jim Crow era voting literacy tests to prevent Pres. Obama's re-election, Cockwright was across town, experiencing an entirely different opening night ceremony, which he posted about on his blog:

When I first walked in, it was everything I hoped for, a room filled with strong and healthy men, ready to fight for our liberties. To show my patriotism, I was dressed like a Revolutionary War soldier. I was pleased to see many other men dressed as iconic American heroes: cowboys, firefighters, Mae West, etc.

For the next several hours, I did have to undergo some certain… shall we say, hazing rituals that took me back to my old fraternity days. I think I even got hazed by Glenn Beck himself, although I'm not sure, 'cause I didn't get a good look at his face.

But the most important thing was that we were all of one spirit. When I cried out "the liberals and gays are taking over America," the entire room cheered, ready to face the threat together.

After two days of teabagging, Cockwright finally began to suspect he was in the wrong place this morning, when he learned that tonight's main activity would be naked Twister. "I have no problem with fun and games," Cockwright posted, "but I was promised a keynote address by Sarah Palin."

Now that he has figured out his mistake, Cockwright hopes to make it to the actual convention in time to hear the speech blue-collar heroine, Sarah Palin is being paid $100,000 to deliver, but he may be tight on time. "I really don't want to leave here until after today's 'Sausage Sandwich Party,'" he explains. "I love Sarah and all, but I never pass up a free meal."

Public Option Cola?

Conservative pundit, Irwin Kram believes a healthcare public option is the first step to socialism. The next step, he believes, is a vast liberal soft drink conspiracy. Jen Houston has this story.

Public Option Cola - watch more funny videos

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Yohei Kawamata, Stephen Mosher, and Marci Reid contributed to this report.

Right Opposes Nobel on Grounds that Peace is Bad

In his Friday radio program, Rush Limbaugh uttered what may become the Republican Party's new slogan, "We are all on the side of the Taliban." Limbaugh was expressing his solidarity with the Taliban on their condemnation of Pres. Obama's Nobel Peace Prize. Hear the audio clip below.

Limbaugh further attacked the award in an email to Politico.com, not on the grounds that Pres. Obama didn't deserve it, but on the grounds that peace is bad for America. He fears that the accolade will push the president to "continue his intentions to emasculate the United States." RNC chairman, Michael Steele echoed this sentiment in a GOP fundraising letter, warning that the celebration of peace will make America "subservient" to other nations.

The condemnation of "peace" is the latest in a series of efforts by conservatives to stamp out un-American values. During the confirmation hearings of Justice Sonia Sotomayor, Republicans attacked the emotional trait of empathy as dangerous to American society. On the anniversary of September 11, they denounced public service as unpatriotic. This weekend, as gay rights activists march on Washington, conservative counter-demonstrators are expected to protest against equality.

"We need to eliminate these corrupting ideas," says Mitchell Willburn, chairman of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation. Once empathy, public service, peace, and equality have been eradicated, Willburn promises a broad campaign against prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude.

Conservatives Honor 9/11 with Day of National Disservice

A resolution signed by President Obama in April designates today, the anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks, as "a National Day of Service and Remembrance." The idea was first offered by the families of 9/11 victims as a way to honor their memory with good deeds, but has met with outrage from conservatives. In an American Spectator editorial titled "Obama's Plan to Desecrate 9/11," Matthew Vadum warned that liberals are trying to change 9/11 from "a day of fear," to "a day of activism, food banks, and community gardens."

The conservative group, the American Truth Foundation is countering the allegedly liberal "Day of Service" by sponsoring a "Day of National Disservice." Mitchell Willburn, the Foundation chairman says, "We all know 'good deeds' are part of the liberal agenda. That's why the Weekly Standard recently ran an editorial condemning the emotional trait of empathy. We have to counteract liberal acts of empathy and service wherever we see them."

Instead of good deeds, Willburn is urging Americans to spend the day doing bad deeds. "Cut someone off in traffic. Litter. Help an old lady just half way across the street. These are only a few suggestions." Willburn adds, "the President of the United States, and the families of the victims, and the people of New York simply don't understand the true meaning of 9/11, but conservatives do, and we will never forget."

The Inquisition welcomes you, our readers to offer your own suggestions on how to honor this day with either good or bad deeds in our comment section below.

God Rains on Gay Pride

NEW YORK - Gay Pride Week got off to a rainy start this weekend. Irwin Kram, of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation, offers his own explanation of the weather in his video blog.

Click here to view larger.

Miraculous New Device: It's a Bible AND a Gun!

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Yesterday, Kansas abortion doctor George Tiller was shot to death while serving as an usher in his church. Click here to read the CNN.com story.

As a senior fellow at the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation, I have been an outspoken opponent of abortion, but even I will admit that the act of shooting a man in church poses a deep philosophical problem. On the one hand, you don't want to go to church without your Bible. On the other, you don't want something else in your hands that can interfere with your aim. That's why I'm happy to introduce the Ezekiel 2517. It's a Bible and a gun.

This dual use device was invented by a conservative biblical scholar who discovered that if you cut out all the Bible's annoying references to showing compassion, not judging people, and loving your enemies, there's enough room left over to fit an entire semiautomatic weapon. And with an easy to use dictionary concordance/spare cartridge holder, it takes just seconds to reload and/or find the perfect passage to justify your assault.

If Jesus had access to this sort of weapon, he wouldn't have been the Prince of Peace, he would have been the Prince of the Concealed Piece, and when the high priest struck him across the face, instead of turning the other cheek, he would have pulled out this gun and said, "Eat lead, motherf--ker!" Not only would he have been spared the crucifixion, but The Passion of the Christ would have been a way more exciting action movie.

Unfortunately, we can be sure that the liberal elite will do everything they can to block the sale of this new invention. They hate guns almost as much as they hate Bibles. And with the Obama administration attempting to force a radical judicial activist onto the Supreme Court, our freedoms and values are more in jeopardy than ever. If Sotomayor does manage to get confirmed, we can only hope Chief Justice Roberts has one of these babies handy when it comes time to "swear her in."

Iowa to Vote on Straight Marriage Ban

DES MOINES- A group of gay conservatives, seeking to uphold the sanctity of marriage, have succeeded in securing a special election to vote on Proposition 9, a measure to ban heterosexual marriage in Iowa. "With over 50% of different-sex marriages ending in divorce, straight people have abused the institution to the point where they no longer deserve the privilege," says the Rev. Thomas Weeber, of the American Values Association, the group that authored Prop 9. "What they do in private is their business, but when they insist on calling it 'marriage,' it starts taking away my rights." When asked how someone else's marriage affects his rights, Weever explains "Well, it just does."

Roberta Mercer, a working mother, says she plans to vote for the initiative. "I'm not anti-straight," she says, "but I have to think about my children. What am I supposed to say when my daughter asks 'Why does Jimmy have only one mommy?' Or, 'Why is Cyndi's daddy f---ing his secretary?' These aren't issues children should be confronted with." Mercer adds, "and yes, Cyndi's daddy is totally f---ing his secretary, and everybody knows it. Sorry, Cyndi."

Straight marriage has been legal in Iowa since 1833, but under Prop 9, all previously recognized different-sex unions would be legally dissolved. "I can't believe it," says Mabel Warren, who has been married to a man of the opposite sex for twenty-seven years. "I made a vow before God that no matter how fat or bald or abnormally gassy my Bill gets, I would spend every day with him until one of us is dead. But with just one vote, all of that could get wiped out. What time do the polls open?"

The American Values Association spent over ten million dollars to get Prop 9 on the Iowa ballot. Since the group is based in San Francisco, and has no actual connection to Iowa, critics have questioned whether it is appropriate or even legal for the group to play such a large role in Iowa politics. Rev. Weeber has no such qualms. "This is a moral issue which transcends state boundaries," he explains. "In his first letter to the Corinthians, St. Paul explicitly states that men should not marry women," adding, "If we embrace different-sex marriage, we're just one step away from embracing different-species marriage, and while I'm sure the radical straight activists would love to come home and find their mothers in bed with an orangutan, it's not going to happen on my watch."

Iowans will vote on the initiative on Tuesday. Until then, the AVA will be sponsoring a prayer vigil. Those wishing to purchase a "Ban Straight Marriage" button may contact Rev. Weeber directly at nostraightweddings@gmail.com

Editorial: Kenneth Starr, Defender of Morality

by Irwin Kram

Just over a decade ago, Kenneth Starr led the good fight against the debauchery of our libertine "president," Bill Clinton. Starr's $30 million investigation into allegations of conspiracy, fraud, and even murder turned up none of those things, but what it did reveal was much darker: oral sex. No matter how many times I read and re-read Starr's graphic descriptions of Clinton's lewd acts, I was continually disgusted-- but grateful to see the crimes of the Democrat leader sucked out into the light of day.

This week, Starr is once again leading the cause against immorality. Yesterday he stood before the California Supreme Court arguing in defense of Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage in California. Californians voted for Prop 8 fair and square, but radical gay activists are trying to get the Court to overturn it. If they succeed, Starr argued, they will be taking away Californians' basic human right to take away other people's rights.

Starr gets it. As a Christian fundamentalist, he understands that the Bible clearly defines marriage as between one man and only as many women as he can afford to maintain. The Bible is also clear about what is not marriage, which is why although a man may father as many children with his slave-girl as she can bear, what exists between them can never be a marriage.

Now this is where the liberal media just loves to jump in and call opponents of gay marriage "homophobic," as if we were the ones who wrote God's law. Given the choice, I'm sure all good Christian men would rather have sex with other men, but that's not our decision. You can't just pick and choose which of God's laws you're going to follow and which you aren't (except of course for the ones that are obviously silly, like not being allowed to wear a garment of two different fabrics, or having to help the poor).

Standing before the justices yesterday, his silver hair glistening like a halo of holiness, Starr resembled a white knight, charging against the evils of sodomy and licentiousness, thrusting forward ever harder on his white steed, his sweat mingling with the horse's. I know that as he has ever done, Starr will chase down the spectre of immorality, drive his firm sword deep, deep into his foe's soft flesh, then force him to his knees before him, making him to swallow the sweet, syrupy nectar of righteousness. If we are lucky, he will write another detailed book about it.

Sanctity of Marriage Ruined by Gay Couple

ROCKPORT, MA- Stan Edwards and Tony Giulardi lived together for six years in the picturesque seaport town of Rockport, with no negative impact, but when they got married last month, all hell broke loose. Within days of their nuptials, the couple's next-door neighbor, Ken Marshal left his wife of twenty years for a woman in his office. "This kind of thing didn't happen when marriage was sacred," complains Marshal's wife, Barb. "Whoever heard of a man leaving his wife for a younger woman? Clearly this is Stan and Tony's fault."

The Edwards-Giulardi marriage poses a particular problem for Mary Jacobs, a local preschool teacher. "The kids started asking all kinds of questions I couldn't answer," she explains. "The only thing I could do to quiet them down was to give them all heroin. Now we've got a preschool full of junkies and it's all Stan and Tony's fault.

Since Edwards and Giulardi returned from their honeymoon, domestic violence, divorce, job-loss, littering, prostitution, arson, and Satanic ritual sacrifice have reached an all time high. While Edwards, a police officer, and Giulardi, a paramedic, have taken a lead role in responding to the town's crises, everyone holds them responsible for the downfall of the community.

"I wouldn't mind them being married if they didn't have to rub our noses in it," says neighbor, Earl Scranton. "They know I've got a telescope pointed in their window, and yet they still go at it... always looking at their wedding photos, and writing thank you notes. I shouldn't have to watch that."

Scranton, and his wife Peggy, the town's oldest couple, were due to celebrate their seventieth anniversary this year, but those plans were shattered by Edwards and Giulardi. After weeks of being subjected to views of his neighbors' same-sex wedded bliss, Scranton, at age 102, became tragically gay himself. In his wheelchair, he struggles to maintain his composure as he explains, "Peggy was the love of my life, but I had to leave her because thanks to Stan and Tony, all I can think about now is cock."

As for Peggy, she has undergone her own life-change, coming out to the community as a cannibal, and devouring her great-grandchildren. "I guess I always wanted to do this," she says, "but it was the sanctity of marriage that held me back. Now that that's gone, anything goes."