Thursday, July 30, 2009

Death Rate 100% Under Socialized Healthcare

TORONTO- Jim Murray, 52, went to his doctor for what he thought would be a regular check up. Since Canada's medical system is mostly publicly funded, the visit was free. It seemed like a good deal, but it turned out to be a death sentence. "Given my blood pressure and family history," Murray explains, "the doctor said I have only forty years to live. Forty-five, tops." So much for government run healthcare, eh?

Murray is not alone. Studies show the death rate in countries with socialized medicine to be 100%. Every man, woman, and child who receives government funded healthcare is virtually guaranteed to eventually die. Some studies even place the death rate above 100%, as access to cheap and reliable contraception prevents millions from being born in the first place.

All of a sudden, our current system doesn't seem so bad, at least not to Morgan Wytuck, one of 46 million uninsured Americans. He's never even seen a doctor. "We're strong in this country," he says. "We live longer than anybody." Technically speaking he's wrong. Americans rank 42nd in world life expectancy, and 28th in infant mortality, but we remain number one in American spirit.

"If I were French, I'm sure I'd go to the doctor all the time," Wytuck says. "He'd probably make me do a bunch of sissy stuff like eat salad, or cut this giant growth off my neck instead of just putting a hat on it. But that's not how we do things here."

Not yet, anyway. If the Obama healthcare plan passes, Wytuck and millions of Americans like him may be condemned to universal healthcare, just like the citizens of every other western industrialized nation.

As for Murray in Canada, he's resigned to his fate. "I've only got a few decades left," he says, "all I can do is make the best of them."

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Healthcare Fears Remain After Obama Press Conference

In a prime time press conference, President Obama made his case for healthcare reform, but across the nation, doubts remain. "Government needs to stay out of healthcare," says Merta Boyle of Ohio. "What treatment is best for me is a private decision that only my insurance company can make for me."

"We don't want socialized healthcare like France," says Burt Sanchez of Tennessee, referring to the infamous
gaullist system, in which women who smoke, drink, and eat butter all day are allowed to live to 120.

"I don't like the price tag," says Ogden Chang of Florida. "If we're going to spend a trillion dollars, it better be on something worthwhile, like invading and occupying a country for six years, or propping up a bank."

"Obama keeps saying our current system is too costly, but it doesn't really cost anything," says VitaWell Insurance CEO, Milton Winchell. "We cancel our policies as soon as someone get sick, so we never pay a dime," adding "I mean, hello? It's called health insurance not sick insurance."

"Obama's plan is going to hurt small businesses like mine," says David Wiener, president of Wiener and Associates. "As a boss, I'm a real d--k. The only reason my employees don't quit is they're afraid of losing their health insurance. If people can just go out and buy into a public plan, how are we going to keep them locked in dead end jobs for the rest of their lives?"

"I think the Obama plan is just plain scary," says Irving Plank of Nebraska. "I saw this add with spooky music, and this guy with a deep voice said 'the Obama healthcare plan,' and then he yelled 'Boo!' I just about s--t myself."

"I don't think [Obama] was honest about the sacrifices he wants us to make," says Beth Wart of Indiana. "I mean actual sacrifices. I saw on Fox News, Obama's plan requires us to sacrifice our children to the demon Molech. That's the part nobody wants to talk about."

In his statement, the president insisted that he will sign healthcare reform into law by the end of the year, but clearly there are a lot of people who have yet to be won over.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

NASA Digitally Enhances Moon Landing for 40th Anniversary

WASHINGTON DC- This week commemorates the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. While images of the historic event have been seen the world over, these all come from foggy, low quality video copies of the original high-resolution footage, which somehow disappeared shortly after the mission. Last week, NASA engineer Dick Nafzger announced that the space agency probably taped over the original footage— an act that may forever change the way we use the phrase "he's no rocket scientist."

To make up for this error, NASA has hired a Hollywood special effects company to digitally enhance the existing footage. Click here for more on this story.

George Lucas has offered to help the restoration effort, which will be paid for through product placement. "The special effects in the original footage are impressive for their time," says Lucas, "but today we have the opportunity to do so much more."

The Star Wars creator has proposed adding a perilous flight through a meteor field, which could be spun off into a video game. He's also hoping to provide comic relief by giving Neil Armstrong a zany, jive-talking alien sidekick.

NASA officials have apologized for erasing the original footage, and promise that if and when we develop the technology to return to the moon, "we will carefully label the tapes and not just leave them in the VCR."

Chris Pearson contributed to this report.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Inside the Media: Michael Jackson

Inside the Media is a new feature, where we teach our readers how jour- nalism works. This week, the primary duty of any responsible journalist has been to tie anything else in the news to Michael Jackson.

On the subject of healthcare, it's tempting to focus on the ongoing Congressional debate that could change the lives of all Americans ("Discord on Health Care Dulls Luster Of New Pacts"), but responsible news outlets like CNN know the front and center healthcare issue is "what did Jackson's dermatologist know about his private life, and when did he know it?" ("Jackson's doctor: I worried about surgeries, Diprivan").

While President Obama was in Russia, it would have been easy for the status of our troubled relations with the world's other nuclear superpower to take centerstage ("Obama, Putin Meet at Last"). Fortunately, NBC's Chuck Todd stayed on focus, drilling the president during his Moscow press conference on whether it was Jackson's achievements as a black entertainer that paved the way for the Obama presidency ("Obama on Michael Jackson's Role").

And finally, while the surprise resignation of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is newsworthy ("Where is Sarah Palin Going Next?"), it is only appropriate to pair it with the similarly-themed news story, "Michael Jackson Buried Without His Brain."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Jonas Brothers Involved in Vast Conspiracy

In this month's Rolling Stone, Matt Taibbi details how Goldman Sachs has used its power and influence to engineer and profit from every major financial disaster since the Great Depression. Conspiracy theorists believe the financial giant is also responsible for putting the Jonas Brothers on the cover of the issue, ensuring that no adult will ever read it.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Fox News Hails Bin Laden as America's Savior

In an interview with Glenn Beck this week, former CIA official, Michael Scheuer said the only thing that can save America from the threats the Obama administration is not keeping us safe from is a terrorist attack.

Scheuer is the former chief of the CIA's Bin Laden Issue Station. The logic of how a terrorist attack keeps us safe from things like, say a terrorist attack is too complex to explain here, but according to our fact checkers it is irrefutable. Terror = security, secret wiretaps = liberty, war = peace, and work makes us free.

Fox News has come up with several tips to help save America by aiding the terrorists.

If you see something, don't say anything.
Do you know where bin Laden is hiding? Don't tell. Instead, send him a care package. Cookies are always a great gift.

Waste Jack Bauer's Time
If CTU Agent Jack Bauer pumps you for information, tell him the terrorists are three exits south on the 405 Freeway. That will keep him stuck in traffic for at least two of his 24 hours.

Help the Terrorists by Voting Republican
While 9/11 would not have been possible without the hijackers who gave their lives to save America, the men who deserve the real credit are George Bush and Dick Cheney. Al Queda tried to launch attacks on US soil during the '90s, but the Clinton administration foolishly thwarted them. Only Bush and Cheney had the courage to ignore their intelligence reports, allow 9/11 to happen, and then capitalize on it for political gain. And under the guise of a meaningless and disastrous war, they launched a bold Al Queda recruitment campaign that may keep a steady flow of terrorists after us for generations to come.

And finally…

If You're a Terrorist, Please, Please Attack Us
We know you're busy, but if you have time to update your Facebook status, you have time to detonate a dirty bomb. Just pick a target and get it over with. For the record, Fox New is located at 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY.