Hipsters Steal Beards from Hasids

NEW YORK- A crime wave is sweeping through Williamsburg: hipsters stealing beards from Hasidic men. "It wasn't enough they stole our neighborhood, they have to take our beards, too?" laments Moishe Grinfeld, whose beard was ripped off this week.

As many of Brooklyn's hipsters enter their 30s and 40s, they are desperate to still look young and edgy. The most obvious solution is to adopt the look of a conservative 60-year-old. Long, bushy beards have become so de rigeur in the hipster community that the blog, Hipster Whisper has had to run an article on the dangers of beard lice.

Unfortunately, as lengthy beards take a long time to grow-- in some cases longer than the trend is likely to last-- some impatient hipsters have resorted to stealing beards right off the faces of their Hasidic neighbors. The thefts hurt both victim and perpetrator, as the newly bearded hipsters generally end up looking like douchebags.

In response to the crisis, some of the Burg's trendier residents have started a facial hair drive, urging hipsters to donate unwanted handlebar mustaches and steampunk mutton chops to victims of beard theft. But for Grinfeld, there is no substitute for his natural beard. "Until it grows back," he kvetches, "I'm going to look like a real schmeggegie."

New A|X Line Contains No Actual Clothes

NEW YORK- Sensitive to the needs of budget conscious consumers, Armani Exchange's new line contains no actual clothing. "We recognize that these days, even the simplest textiles are beyond the reach of many of our customers," a spokesperson says. The new "A|X Nothing," pictured here, is a one-size-fits-all, unisex, no-piece outfit, starting at just $40.

H&M Fights AIDS with Leotard

STOCKLHOLM- As part of its campaign, "Fashion Against AIDS," Swedish clothing manufacturer, H&M has released a limited edition, one-piece bodysuit designed by pop-star, Katy Perry. The idea is that if your clothes make you look so ridiculous that no one would ever sleep with you, your odds of contracting AIDS are greatly reduced.

Perry is enthusiastic about the collaboration. "H&M has been so supportive," the performer says. "As soon as they heard me sing, they said it would be a good idea for me to explore other talents. And here we are."

Images from Fashion Week

At the trendiest Soho boutiques, even the mannequins can no longer afford clothes.

Desperation and dismemberment are the big themes of the new season.

FASHION WEEK: Edible Shoes

NEW YORK- Anticipating that the economy soon will be so bad that, like Charlie Chaplin in Gold Rush, we all will be forced to eat our own shoes, designers are placing an emphasis on footwear that will be easier to swallow. "There are no more diamond-studded straps," said Jimmy Choo. "That just screams real-estate bubble opulence. And diamonds are very hard to digest." Zippers and buckles are also out, in favor of shoes with simpler, easier-to-chew textures, in soft leathers that can be cut with a good steak-knife.

Pare Gabia has taken the trend a step further, with an espadrille made entirely of bacon, while Christian Louboutin has sent models down runways with their feet stuffed in cans of Spam with the bottoms painted red. When asked whether women might avoid being reduced to shoe-eating poverty by simply not buying $600 shoes, a Louboutin spokesperson laughed in this reporter's face.