Tom Cotton Reminds Gays How Much Worse Things Could Be.

Because when you think "America," you think "a little better than Iran." Courtesy of the Internet Action Force.
 

NC Votes to Protect the Sanctity of Pizza

CHARLOTTE, NC- Two weeks after banning same-sex marriage, North Carolina voters returned to the polls to ban gluten-free pizza. "You can't change the definition of pizza," said a sponsor of the measure. "If we allow people to make pizzas with gluten-free crusts, we'll also have to let them make pizza out of dogs, or the flesh of murdered babies." 

The law's supporters deny that it is discriminatory. "People who choose to be gluten-intolerant should have the same rights as everybody else," said one voter "They just shouldn't be allowed to eat foods they like without severe abdominal pain." 

"I have nothing against people who eat gluten-free pizza. I just personally don't like it," said another voter. "So nobody else should be allowed to eat it."

Many based their vote on the Bible. "Even though Jesus technically never said anything about pizza," another voter said, "the miracle of the fishes and the loaves clearly shows he intended pizza to be made with a wheat crust and with anchovies," adding "of course I skip the anchovies because that's gross." 

The new law has drawn scorn from many in states that allow gluten-free pizza. According to one New York pizza-lover, "the people of North Carolina don't even know what a real pizza is."

US Law Should Be Based on Bible, or Other Large Book

Yesterday the Inquisition reported on Sarah Palin's comment that US law should be based on the Bible. Readers responded with suggestions of other books to base the law on.

Literature Professor Milton Serle believes all law should be based on Moby Dick, a tome similar to the Bible in that it is over a thousand pages and bears no relation to the US Constitution. Serle would like to see the ban on whaling lifted and believes Congress should devote most of its time to poetic discussion of sperm whale anatomy.

Mabel Stoole of Florida has an alternate view. She would like to see a ban on gay marriage and the estate tax because neither are contained in the phone book, the document she believes the founding fathers wanted our laws based on.

"The idea of basing our laws on any single book is patently absurd," says legal scholar, Genevieve Ford. "It would be better to use a series of books, like the Twilight saga." Ford supports President Obama's policy of being dreamy, but would like to see the administration become more dark and brooding.

There are a handful of political thinkers who believe the only governing document for our nation should be the Constitution itself, but this view has been widely rejected as that book is only four pages long and written in large print.

Being Gay a Socialist Plot, Congressman Reveals

On a radio talk show this week, Iowa Republican, Rep. Steve King announced that gay marriage is "a purely socialist concept." The congressman argued that the entire marriage-equality movement is a vast conspiracy to overthrow democracy and institute a communist regime. To hear an audio clip of his statement, click here.

Following King's remarks, a representative for the Human Rights Campaign offered a full confession. "We have been outed," the spokesperson explained, "the truth is that between 10%-15% of Americans are secretly Marxist revolutionaries, merely posing as gay people. There are no real gay people. It's just something we made up as a cover."

The specifics of how gay marriage was supposed to bring about a socialist revolution remain unclear to everyone except Rep. King and senior members of the Communist Party (a.k.a the Gay Men's Chorus). "I know I'm just a simple operative, but the plot never really made sense to me," says Bruce Laforge, an interior designer whose real name is Vladmir Petroski. "I mean I've been blowing guys for fifteen years and the capitalist regime isn't any closer to falling," adding "frankly I'll be glad to get back to my wife in Russia."

Listen to the audo clip here.

God Rains on Gay Pride

NEW YORK - Gay Pride Week got off to a rainy start this weekend. Irwin Kram, of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation, offers his own explanation of the weather in his video blog.

Click here to view larger.

Conservatives Attack Obama Nominee

WASHINGTON DC- Yesterday, President Obama announced Sonia Sotomayor as his Supreme Court nominee. In an effort to stay ahead of the news cycle, the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation issued a statement condemning Obama's choice a full twelve hours before the choice was made.

"With the selection of [fill in name here]," said spokespoerson, Mitchell Willburn, "Obama has chosen a judicial activist who believes he/she can use the bench to inflict his/her radical agenda on the nation." The statement went on to attack the nominee's prior rulings. "In the case of [insert case], this nominee showed a blatant liberal bias on the issue of [gun control/gay marriage/evolution/the world being round/TBD]."

Many Obama supporters have been swayed by the Foundation's argument. "I voted for Obama," says Mark Water of Ohio, "but when I learned that whoever he ends up picking has a clear record of supporting mandatory abortions for all women, forced same-sex marriage, and/or Satanic ritual sacrifice, I felt completely betrayed. I just hope he changes his mind and ends up picking someone else."

In an interview prior to the nominee announcement, Willburn asserted that it would make no difference if the president did chose someone else,  the Foundation's accusations would apply to whoever the nominee would be. "Given the dangerous extremism of anyone he ends up picking, the only responsible thing he can do is to just pick no one." 

Prior to being labeled as a radical, Sotomayor, the actual nominee as of yesterday, was nominated to US District Court by the first President Bush. She is recognized as "the judge who saved baseball," for her ruling in the 1994 baseball strike. She was reportedly horrified to discover that she is in fact a liberal judicial activist, and is considering withdrawing her nomination.

Baldwin Claims Persecution for Being Anti-Gay Marriage

On Larry King Live yesterday, actor Stephen Baldwin claimed that he, and other supporters of "traditional marriage," are being persecuted and looked down for their religious beliefs. Our staff of fact checkers have investigated the claim, and have found that Baldwin is in fact looked down upon for being Stephen Baldwin. The actor hopes to raise his social status by appearing next on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, along with impeached Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich and American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar.

Iowa to Vote on Straight Marriage Ban

DES MOINES- A group of gay conservatives, seeking to uphold the sanctity of marriage, have succeeded in securing a special election to vote on Proposition 9, a measure to ban heterosexual marriage in Iowa. "With over 50% of different-sex marriages ending in divorce, straight people have abused the institution to the point where they no longer deserve the privilege," says the Rev. Thomas Weeber, of the American Values Association, the group that authored Prop 9. "What they do in private is their business, but when they insist on calling it 'marriage,' it starts taking away my rights." When asked how someone else's marriage affects his rights, Weever explains "Well, it just does."

Roberta Mercer, a working mother, says she plans to vote for the initiative. "I'm not anti-straight," she says, "but I have to think about my children. What am I supposed to say when my daughter asks 'Why does Jimmy have only one mommy?' Or, 'Why is Cyndi's daddy f---ing his secretary?' These aren't issues children should be confronted with." Mercer adds, "and yes, Cyndi's daddy is totally f---ing his secretary, and everybody knows it. Sorry, Cyndi."

Straight marriage has been legal in Iowa since 1833, but under Prop 9, all previously recognized different-sex unions would be legally dissolved. "I can't believe it," says Mabel Warren, who has been married to a man of the opposite sex for twenty-seven years. "I made a vow before God that no matter how fat or bald or abnormally gassy my Bill gets, I would spend every day with him until one of us is dead. But with just one vote, all of that could get wiped out. What time do the polls open?"

The American Values Association spent over ten million dollars to get Prop 9 on the Iowa ballot. Since the group is based in San Francisco, and has no actual connection to Iowa, critics have questioned whether it is appropriate or even legal for the group to play such a large role in Iowa politics. Rev. Weeber has no such qualms. "This is a moral issue which transcends state boundaries," he explains. "In his first letter to the Corinthians, St. Paul explicitly states that men should not marry women," adding, "If we embrace different-sex marriage, we're just one step away from embracing different-species marriage, and while I'm sure the radical straight activists would love to come home and find their mothers in bed with an orangutan, it's not going to happen on my watch."

Iowans will vote on the initiative on Tuesday. Until then, the AVA will be sponsoring a prayer vigil. Those wishing to purchase a "Ban Straight Marriage" button may contact Rev. Weeber directly at nostraightweddings@gmail.com

Editorial: Kenneth Starr, Defender of Morality

by Irwin Kram

Just over a decade ago, Kenneth Starr led the good fight against the debauchery of our libertine "president," Bill Clinton. Starr's $30 million investigation into allegations of conspiracy, fraud, and even murder turned up none of those things, but what it did reveal was much darker: oral sex. No matter how many times I read and re-read Starr's graphic descriptions of Clinton's lewd acts, I was continually disgusted-- but grateful to see the crimes of the Democrat leader sucked out into the light of day.

This week, Starr is once again leading the cause against immorality. Yesterday he stood before the California Supreme Court arguing in defense of Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage in California. Californians voted for Prop 8 fair and square, but radical gay activists are trying to get the Court to overturn it. If they succeed, Starr argued, they will be taking away Californians' basic human right to take away other people's rights.

Starr gets it. As a Christian fundamentalist, he understands that the Bible clearly defines marriage as between one man and only as many women as he can afford to maintain. The Bible is also clear about what is not marriage, which is why although a man may father as many children with his slave-girl as she can bear, what exists between them can never be a marriage.

Now this is where the liberal media just loves to jump in and call opponents of gay marriage "homophobic," as if we were the ones who wrote God's law. Given the choice, I'm sure all good Christian men would rather have sex with other men, but that's not our decision. You can't just pick and choose which of God's laws you're going to follow and which you aren't (except of course for the ones that are obviously silly, like not being allowed to wear a garment of two different fabrics, or having to help the poor).

Standing before the justices yesterday, his silver hair glistening like a halo of holiness, Starr resembled a white knight, charging against the evils of sodomy and licentiousness, thrusting forward ever harder on his white steed, his sweat mingling with the horse's. I know that as he has ever done, Starr will chase down the spectre of immorality, drive his firm sword deep, deep into his foe's soft flesh, then force him to his knees before him, making him to swallow the sweet, syrupy nectar of righteousness. If we are lucky, he will write another detailed book about it.

Sanctity of Marriage Ruined by Gay Couple

ROCKPORT, MA- Stan Edwards and Tony Giulardi lived together for six years in the picturesque seaport town of Rockport, with no negative impact, but when they got married last month, all hell broke loose. Within days of their nuptials, the couple's next-door neighbor, Ken Marshal left his wife of twenty years for a woman in his office. "This kind of thing didn't happen when marriage was sacred," complains Marshal's wife, Barb. "Whoever heard of a man leaving his wife for a younger woman? Clearly this is Stan and Tony's fault."

The Edwards-Giulardi marriage poses a particular problem for Mary Jacobs, a local preschool teacher. "The kids started asking all kinds of questions I couldn't answer," she explains. "The only thing I could do to quiet them down was to give them all heroin. Now we've got a preschool full of junkies and it's all Stan and Tony's fault.

Since Edwards and Giulardi returned from their honeymoon, domestic violence, divorce, job-loss, littering, prostitution, arson, and Satanic ritual sacrifice have reached an all time high. While Edwards, a police officer, and Giulardi, a paramedic, have taken a lead role in responding to the town's crises, everyone holds them responsible for the downfall of the community.

"I wouldn't mind them being married if they didn't have to rub our noses in it," says neighbor, Earl Scranton. "They know I've got a telescope pointed in their window, and yet they still go at it... always looking at their wedding photos, and writing thank you notes. I shouldn't have to watch that."

Scranton, and his wife Peggy, the town's oldest couple, were due to celebrate their seventieth anniversary this year, but those plans were shattered by Edwards and Giulardi. After weeks of being subjected to views of his neighbors' same-sex wedded bliss, Scranton, at age 102, became tragically gay himself. In his wheelchair, he struggles to maintain his composure as he explains, "Peggy was the love of my life, but I had to leave her because thanks to Stan and Tony, all I can think about now is cock."

As for Peggy, she has undergone her own life-change, coming out to the community as a cannibal, and devouring her great-grandchildren. "I guess I always wanted to do this," she says, "but it was the sanctity of marriage that held me back. Now that that's gone, anything goes."