Iowa to Vote on Straight Marriage Ban

DES MOINES- A group of gay conservatives, seeking to uphold the sanctity of marriage, have succeeded in securing a special election to vote on Proposition 9, a measure to ban heterosexual marriage in Iowa. "With over 50% of different-sex marriages ending in divorce, straight people have abused the institution to the point where they no longer deserve the privilege," says the Rev. Thomas Weeber, of the American Values Association, the group that authored Prop 9. "What they do in private is their business, but when they insist on calling it 'marriage,' it starts taking away my rights." When asked how someone else's marriage affects his rights, Weever explains "Well, it just does."

Roberta Mercer, a working mother, says she plans to vote for the initiative. "I'm not anti-straight," she says, "but I have to think about my children. What am I supposed to say when my daughter asks 'Why does Jimmy have only one mommy?' Or, 'Why is Cyndi's daddy f---ing his secretary?' These aren't issues children should be confronted with." Mercer adds, "and yes, Cyndi's daddy is totally f---ing his secretary, and everybody knows it. Sorry, Cyndi."

Straight marriage has been legal in Iowa since 1833, but under Prop 9, all previously recognized different-sex unions would be legally dissolved. "I can't believe it," says Mabel Warren, who has been married to a man of the opposite sex for twenty-seven years. "I made a vow before God that no matter how fat or bald or abnormally gassy my Bill gets, I would spend every day with him until one of us is dead. But with just one vote, all of that could get wiped out. What time do the polls open?"

The American Values Association spent over ten million dollars to get Prop 9 on the Iowa ballot. Since the group is based in San Francisco, and has no actual connection to Iowa, critics have questioned whether it is appropriate or even legal for the group to play such a large role in Iowa politics. Rev. Weeber has no such qualms. "This is a moral issue which transcends state boundaries," he explains. "In his first letter to the Corinthians, St. Paul explicitly states that men should not marry women," adding, "If we embrace different-sex marriage, we're just one step away from embracing different-species marriage, and while I'm sure the radical straight activists would love to come home and find their mothers in bed with an orangutan, it's not going to happen on my watch."

Iowans will vote on the initiative on Tuesday. Until then, the AVA will be sponsoring a prayer vigil. Those wishing to purchase a "Ban Straight Marriage" button may contact Rev. Weeber directly at nostraightweddings@gmail.com