Fourth Horsemen of the Apocalypse Downsized Due to Budget Cuts

HEAVEN- In a joint press conference this week, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse announced that when they make their final charge across the world to bring about the end times, there will only be three of them. "We know the prophecies call for Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death," War told reporters, "but when you think about it, pestilence, war, and famine all cause death. We couldn't justify the expense of a fourth horsemen for death alone."

"Also," added Pestilence, "you all have syphilis now."

The need for budget cuts comes as a result of the housing market crash, as the Horsemen had become heavily invested in real estate over the past decade. "For a while we were doing so well, we were thinking of hiring a fifth Horseman," said Famine. "We weren't sure if it was going to be Halitosis or Celebrity-Has-Been-Reality-Competitions, but it was going to be something suitably appalling. But now we can barely afford horse feed."

As for Death, he announced that he is looking forward to

pursuing solo projects. He assured reporters that his job prospects are good, but added "if you hear of any openings, let me know. Seriously, I'll do anything."

How to Prepare for the Apocalypse

While the Horsemen declined to offer a specific date for the end of the world, Famine confided that Amazon.com's offer of no payment for twelve months on electronics is "a way better deal than you know." For those attempting to plan ahead, there is a new guide to making the best of a post-world world. Rob Kutner's Apocalypse How is chock full of tips on how to survive the unsurvivable.

As a writer for the Daily Show (a rival news organization), Kutner is an expert on dealing with utter catastrophe. The Inquisition ranks Apocalypse How as one of the top two books in print today to offer practical advice on what to do while being devoured by a band of irradiated flesh-eating mutants, the other of course being Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope (see the chapter on his early days in the Illinois Senate). Clearly both books are a must read.