Friday, March 18, 2011

Grown-Ups Protest Defunding of NPR

WASHINGTON, DC- Grown-ups are protesting this week after the House voted to cut all funds for NPR, a move that would leave sensible adults with no source for news.

"This is awful," complains Mike Nivin, a grown-up man with a real job. "The only morning news I'll be left with is Howard Stern, and his entire coverage of the financial crisis consisted of a banker lighting his farts."

Since cable news is unwatchable and local news is mostly anchors flirting uncomfortably and making baffling remarks about sex with animals, NPR is one of the last news sources for reasonable adults.

"What else is there?" asks Marcia Davis, an intelligent woman who could give a f*ck what Charlie Sheen is doing. "I mean, there's
The New York Times, but print media's only going to be around for what? Another six weeks max."

The House vote followed the release of a secretly-filmed and heavily re-edited tape showing an
NPR executive making disparaging remarks about the Tea Party. "Boy, that little tape sure did a number on us," said senior NPR correspondent Carl Kasell in a secretly recorded statement that was re-edited to say "I diddle little boys."

Without NPR, many serious-minded adults may be reduced to getting their news from sources with little or no journalistic credibility, such as infomercials, fortune cookies, and the
National Inquisition.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Real American History

by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week the liberal media jumped all over Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) just because she got confused about where the American Revolution started. Like Ms. Bachmann, I homeschool my children, so I am happy to clear up American history.

The "shot heard round the world" was fired
not in New Hampshire, as Ms. Bachmann understandably thought, but in Williamsburg, VA. It was heard round the world because Benjamin Franklin invented the ham radio by tying a ham to a kite in a thunderstorm.

We threw off the shackles of socialism and defeated the British, who at that time were Muslim extremists. Afterwards, James Madison came down from Mt. Rushmore with two stone tablets containing the Constitution, as dictated by God.

All went smoothly until 1929, when FDR founded the Democrat Party. We immediately entered the Great Depression and Nazis tried to take over the world. We defeated the Nazis when a young Ronald Reagan took Hitler down in hand-to-hand combat.

In 1961, Barack Obama was born (allegedly in the US) and things took an immediate turn for the worse: sex, drugs, and a loss of American values.

Pres. George W. Bush succeeded in restoring American honor, kept us safe from terrorist attack, and was so successful at eradicating Iraqi WMDs that not a trace of them were ever found. Then in 2004, Obama was elected to the Senate and the economy begin to tank.

Today, Obama is President and is working to undo all that America has accomplished, taking us back to where we were over two hundred years ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth. His wasteful "stimulus" package contained money to save the jobs of over 200,000 teachers, who (as I have just demonstrated) we don't even need.

Friday, March 11, 2011

NPR Exec Commits Crime of Independent Thought

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week an NPR executive was secretly filmed expressing his private, personal opinion that Tea Party members are racist. Naturally, NPR's chief executive needed to resign by the end of the week, as holding such an opinion runs counter to the fundamental responsibility of journalism, which is to make the Tea Party look awesome.

Teabaggers are not racists. They are a cross section of America, from a wide variety of Christian faiths, whose skin-color spans every possible shade of white. They are motivated not by bigotry, but a profound love for this country and the understandable desire to lynch a black president.

But this is not about the Tea Party. It's about journalism. It is simply a crime for a member of a news organization to have an independent thought about a story-- unless the story is NPR, such as when Fox News Chief Roger Ailes called NPR executives Nazis. Of course this was not so much an opinion as a statement of fact. We all know there is a very fine line between launching a war for total world domination and issuing a commemorative tote bag.

A true journalist must be a mindless automaton, merely regurgitating the talking points of either side. This is why the Inquisition has replaced most of its human staff with an army of robots. The new News Director is pictured below. I have been assured that he has spinning razor blades for hands not for any nefarious purpose, but just to facilitate the editorial process.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Childhood on Mars Shaped Huckabee's Worldview

In a radio interview Monday, former Arkansas governor and Fox News host, Mike Huckabee said that Pres. Obama may have developed an anti-western worldview due to his childhood in Kenya. He also implied that the president's American citizenship is questionable.

As every sane member of the Earthling population is aware, the president was born an American citizen, with an American mother, who gave birth to him in America. He spent all but four years of his childhood here, and never even visited Kenya until he was an adult.

Although Huckabee claims to have been born in the US himself, not once has he publicly presented his original birth certificate, leading many to suspect that he was actually born on Mars. Since there are no black people on Mars, it only makes sense that Huckabee would come to regard them with suspicion.

The former baptist preacher may not be alone in his Martian origin. A recent poll shows that 51% of Republicans question the president's citizenship, while Republican legislatures in 11 states have introduced "birther bills" aiming to block Pres. Obama from the 2012 ballot. If the majority of Republicans are actually Martians, then their efforts to accelerate climate change, deprive Earthlings of healthcare, and foster nuclear proliferation can be understood as part of a traditional Martian culture that values the total destruction of the planet Earth.

While Huckabee has yet to confirm that he is running for president, he has promised that all his political intentions will be made clear when we finish translating his new book, To Serve Man.