Thursday, February 25, 2010

Chelsea Clinton Turns 30, Gen Xers Feel Really, Really, Old

An entire generation of Americans who thought they were still young were shocked to learn that Chelsea Clinton, the gawky adolescent child of Bill and Hillary Clinton, will turn thirty this Saturday.

"That's not possible," counters Marcus Chow, 38. "She was just a kid when I was launching my internet start-up, and that was only-- Crap, that was almost twenty years ago. What happened?"

Clinton's 30th birthday comes as a wake-up call to those born between 1961 and 1981, who must now admit that they can only be called young in comparison to extremely old non-human things, like giant tortoises, redwoods, and Sen Robert Byrd (D-WV).

Clinton is also engaged to be married this summer. "That's just awful," says Jules Woodward, 36. "This is worse than when I heard Nirvana on the classic rock station."

Despite Clinton's upcoming birthday and nuptuals, many so-called "Gen Xers" hang on to the illusion that they are somehow still hip and relevant. "Just because I'm an accountant now doesn't mean I'm not edgy," says Curt Baxter, 40. "I dress my toddler in a Ramones t-shirt, and when he spits up on it, that's totally punk rock. And when I spend my Saturdays working on my landscaping, I'm just being ironic, because-- aw, who am I kidding?"

What makes people in their thirties and forties feel even older is that an even larger number of Americans are not shocked at all by Clinton's intention to turn 30. High school senior, Ricky Blovitz, 18, sums it up best, saying, "Who's Chelsea Clinton?"

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Scaled Down Jobs Bill Will Employ 1 American

WASHINGTON, DC- The Senate is expected to pass a jobs bill today. To gain enough support to break the Republican filibuster, Democrats had to eliminate anything that might be controversial to anyone, resulting in a significantly pared down initiative, but one that Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) is hailing as a major step forward. "This bill takes us in the right direction by creating decent, good-paying jobs for Ernie Lawlor, a local handyman," Reid told press.

Under the bill's provisions, Lawlor will be called upon to deal with "a number of things that need fixing" around the Capitol building. "The American people believe their government is broken," Reid went on to say. "We may not be able to fix that, but we can definitely do something about that step everyone keeps tripping over coming into the Senate chamber. And I think we could all use some additional shelving."

Reid admits that the bill is just the first step toward addressing the nation's unemployment crisis, but promises that more legislation will follow. "If we can pass just 21 million more bills like this," he said, "we'll have the problem taken care of."

Having successfully broken the filibuster this time, Democrats may try a similar approach with health reform, trimming the current bill back to something that just pays for Lawlor to have that thing removed from his neck.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Americans Cross Mexican Border Looking for Jobs

MEXICALI- With US jobless claims jumping another 31,000 in the past week, and Republicans promising to filibuster the new Senate jobs bill, more Americans are sneaking into Mexico in search of a better life. Unemployment in Mexico is roughly 5%, substantially less than America's current rate of 9.7%

"I don't want to take jobs away from Mexicans," says Dale Fitzsimmons, a former real estate broker who smuggled his wife and children across the border in the trunk of his car, so there would be room in the back seat for his plasma TV, "I just want to do the jobs Mexicans are unwilling to do."

Unfortunately for Fitzsimmons, there are no jobs Mexicans are unwilling to do. "No really," Fitzsimmons says, "I'll clean toilets, or pick fruit in the sun for like a dollar a day, anything to pay my credit card minimums."

Fitzsimmons was disheartened to learn that Mexicans already are doing those very jobs. "Seriously? Who the f**k told me these people were lazy?"

Until the US jobs market improves, analysts predict that Americans will continue to flock to Mexico, and other nations with lower unemployment, like Belize, Namibia, and Bangladesh.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Teabaggers Say Capt. America is Un-American, Also Free Speech

Teabaggers took offense this week when issue #602 of the comic book, Captain America appeared to depict the teabagging movement as "a bunch of angry white folks." To show their displeasure with such a biased portrayal, a bunch of angry white folks showed up outside Marvel Comics to protest.

"What is America coming to, when an artist can use his work to express a political opinion?" asks teabagger, Peter Cockwright. "That's a right that should be reserved for corporations."

Marvel has issued an apology. Capt. America's arch-nemesis, the Red Skull was unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Saints Lose Super Bowl, GOP Says

Last month, when Pres. Obama picked the New Orleans Saints as the team he'd be rooting for in the Super Bowl, Republicans declared that a loss by the Saints would be another indicator that the Obama administration is failing. On Sunday, the president's critics were proven right. Although the Saints scored more points than the Indianapolis Colts (31-17), they failed to beat the Colts by a super-majority of more than 60 points. Republicans are therefore declaring the Obama-backed Saints the losing team.
The Super Bowl loss is part of a string of embarrassing defeats for the president that continued this week as Republicans scored a majority of 33 votes against a meager 52 Democratic votes to block the president's nominee to serve on the always fiercely-debated National Labor Relations Board. Republicans are also using their majority of 41 out of 100 Senate seats to block health reform, financial reform, the latest jobs bill, and anything else the president plans to do ever.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Confused Conservative Attends Wrong 'Teabagger Convention'

NASHVILLE, TN- The first ever National Tea Party Convention is underway this weekend at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, drawing massive crowds of over 600 people. More than 0.00002% of the American population has shown up to express its outrage with the current administration.

Unfortunately for conservative blogger, Peter Cockwright, that is not where he ended up. Despite having pre-paid the $549 admission fee to attend this grassroots, populist uprising, Cockwright accidentally spent the past two days at a teabagging party at Club Gaylord, an entirely unrelated Nasvhille establishment.

On Thursday night, while convention attendees were treated to former Colorado congressman, Tom Tancredo's speech on why we must return to Jim Crow era voting literacy tests to prevent Pres. Obama's re-election, Cockwright was across town, experiencing an entirely different opening night ceremony, which he posted about on his blog:

When I first walked in, it was everything I hoped for, a room filled with strong and healthy men, ready to fight for our liberties. To show my patriotism, I was dressed like a Revolutionary War soldier. I was pleased to see many other men dressed as iconic American heroes: cowboys, firefighters, Mae West, etc.

For the next several hours, I did have to undergo some certain… shall we say, hazing rituals that took me back to my old fraternity days. I think I even got hazed by Glenn Beck himself, although I'm not sure, 'cause I didn't get a good look at his face.

But the most important thing was that we were all of one spirit. When I cried out "the liberals and gays are taking over America," the entire room cheered, ready to face the threat together.

After two days of teabagging, Cockwright finally began to suspect he was in the wrong place this morning, when he learned that tonight's main activity would be naked Twister. "I have no problem with fun and games," Cockwright posted, "but I was promised a keynote address by Sarah Palin."

Now that he has figured out his mistake, Cockwright hopes to make it to the actual convention in time to hear the speech blue-collar heroine, Sarah Palin is being paid $100,000 to deliver, but he may be tight on time. "I really don't want to leave here until after today's 'Sausage Sandwich Party,'" he explains. "I love Sarah and all, but I never pass up a free meal."

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Dirt-Sledding May Be Highlight of Snow-Free Olympics

VANCOUVER- Despite the increasing threat of "global cooling," as reported by Fox News, it appears that there may be no snow for the Winter Olympics next week. Olympic organizers are working on last minute contingency plans, replacing traditional winter sports with "more modern" alternatives.

"This could be good for getting a younger audience excited about the games," says Jacques Canard, of the IOC. "The whole notion of snow is very 'last century.'"

Canard hopes to embrace the winter sports of the future, like dirt-sledding. He predicts one of the big crowd pleasers this year will be replacing figure skating with the "not drowning" competition, in which competitors in heavy ice-skates dive into a pond that once would have been frozen in the winter, and perform a challenging four-minute program of struggling not to sink. "Talk about athleticism," Canard raves.

Despite Canard's excitement, many IOC members hope to find a host city with actual snow for the next Winter Olympics, but it may not be easy. With balmy temperatures predicted for most of northern Europe, the Olympic Committee is considering Antarctica as a Winter Games venue, assuming that it still exists in 2014.