Congressman's Penis Brings Nation Together

NEW YORK- Rep. Anthony Weiner's sexting scandal has now been front page news longer than the death of Osama bin Laden. Long after the nation has forgotten who bin Laden was or what he did, Americans will forever remember where they were when they first saw the congressman's bulging shorts.

The member of Congress' member has stretched across the aisle, uniting Republicans and Democrats in shared disgust. Having now resigned from offices, Weiner has pledged to continue using penis as a metaphorical or perhaps literal bridge to help people of opposing political views come together in unity.

Grown-Ups Protest Defunding of NPR

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NPR Exec Commits Crime of Independent Thought

editorial by Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

This week an NPR executive was secretly filmed expressing his private, personal opinion that Tea Party members are racist. Naturally, NPR's chief executive needed to resign by the end of the week, as holding such an opinion runs counter to the fundamental responsibility of journalism, which is to make the Tea Party look awesome.

Teabaggers are not racists. They are a cross section of America, from a wide variety of Christian faiths, whose skin-color spans every possible shade of white. They are motivated not by bigotry, but a profound love for this country and the understandable desire to lynch a black president.

But this is not about the Tea Party. It's about journalism. It is simply a crime for a member of a news organization to have an independent thought about a story-- unless the story is NPR, such as when Fox News Chief Roger Ailes called NPR executives Nazis. Of course this was not so much an opinion as a statement of fact. We all know there is a very fine line between launching a war for total world domination and issuing a commemorative tote bag.

A true journalist must be a mindless automaton, merely regurgitating the talking points of either side. This is why the Inquisition has replaced most of its human staff with an army of robots. The new News Director is pictured below. I have been assured that he has spinning razor blades for hands not for any nefarious purpose, but just to facilitate the editorial process.

Stop the Government Takeover of Congress!

Editorial by Irwin Kram

Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

Today, House Republicans announced a "Pledge to America," promising to protect us from "an out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites." While technically speaking, these elites were appointed by a majority of the US electorate, they pose a dire threat to our Constitutional liberties. Free elections only work if when the wrong people get elected, they aren't allowed to govern. But Democrats refuse to admit that the voters were wrong, and have insisted on trying to govern anyway.

The Left has become so radical, it believes it's the government's job to make, interpret, and enforce the law. Well we the people have had enough, which is why more than 67,000 of us have joined the teabagging movement. That's nearly 0.02% of the US population, and roughly 97% of political news coverage!

But despite the appeal of ex-witch, anti-masturbation activists, voters don't need to abandon traditional Republicans to protect their freedoms. Senate Republicans have not gotten enough credit for their heroic use of the filibuster. In the three years since Democrats took control of the Senate, Republicans have mounted more filibusters than in all the years of the previous decade combined. They have protected the federal courts from being taken over by federally appointed judges, blocking a record 57% of Pres. Obama's judicial nominees, and have successfully stopped over 420 bills!

With the filibuster now a default position, Republicans need only 41 votes to defeat the 59 Democrats. This week's attempted repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell lost with 56 votes for and only 43 against. That's not just a revolution in politics, it's a revolution in math! But of course the liberal media doesn't celebrate this as historically unprecedented. They just treat it as politics as usual.

In the past three months alone, Republican senators have filibustered tax cuts, jobs bills, unemployment, even FAA safety regulations (because if the founding fathers had wanted government to regulate air travel, they would have specifically said so). Congressional Republicans understand that the Constitution limits the role of government to regulating who can marry whom and where people can worship, and they're determined to make sure it does nothing else. Anything beyond that would be un-American.

Not to Be Outdone, Church Plans to Burn Muslims

GAINSEVILLE, FL- Impressed by the media attention Pastor Terry Jones has received for his planned "International Burn a Koran Day," rival Florida Pastor Graham Chapman is upping the ante by sponsoring an "International Burn a Muslim Day."

Chapman is calling on all God-fearing Americans to round up the Muslims in their communities and burn them on the lawn of the Prince of Peace Church tomorrow in the spirit of fellowship. "If you can't bring a Muslim," Pastor Chapman asks, "maybe you can bring some drinks… or ice."

Chapman comes from a long line of burners. His father used to burn crosses on lawns, and his great great grandfather used to burn witches.

The announcement of Chapman's plan came this week as the pastor returned from the Burning Man festival in Nevada, an event whose name he complains is "grossly misleading."

'Last Airbender' Reveals Mathematical Formula for Crap

LOS ANGELES- With this week's release of The Last Airbender, director M. Night Shyamalan has confirmed that he is involved in an elaborate math word problem. If he starts by making a truly brilliant movie, and each subsequent movie is exactly 1/2 as good, how many movies does he have to make until he just points a camera at an actual pile of crap for two hours? The answer appears to be eight.

Since the genius of The Sixth Sense, Shyamalan's movies have gone sequentially from "good," to "okay," to "irritating," to "bad," to "what the hell was that even supposed to be?" Airbender, the seventh in the sequence, has been described as equally enjoyable as slamming a door on your fingers, only two hours longer.

Shyamalan has only one more movie to go before he can begin filming the literal crap. That movie is slated to be the long-anticipated big-screen adaptation of the video-game, Pong, starring Hayden Christensen and Lindsay Lohan.

BP Cleans Gulf Coast of Toxic Jounalists

In the five weeks since news of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster exploded into the headlines, BP has been working tirelessly to stop the hazardous flow of information. It is still unclear exactly how much journalistic ink has been spilled on this story, but clean-up teams are working day and night to remove potentially toxic journalists, photographers, and bloggers from Louisiana's beaches.

Last week, CBS reporters were threatened with arrest for attempting to film a polluted beach (video here). This week, BP CEO Tony Hayward demonstrated his commitment to cleaning up the news coverage by personally shoeing a cameraman away from a pool of oil.

BP officials are optimistic that they may be able to plug all news leaks within the next several weeks, at which point they can turn their attention to stopping the actual flow of oil.

QVC, Playboy Demand Status in White House Press Corps.

WASHINGTON, DC- On Wednesday, Fox News devoted less than seven minutes of airtime to the earthquake in Haiti, further proving, as the White House alleged last fall, that Fox is not an actual news network. Nevertheless, the News Corp. owned channel continues to enjoy West Wing office space as part of the White House press corps. Now other non-news networks are demanding equal status.

"We should be able to ask the press secretary if buying Dr. Perricone's Cold Plasma Skin Treatment could be an economic stimulus," a QVC spokesperson says. "That's at least as relevant as talking about tea-baggers."

"We want equal respect," a spokesperson for Syfy explains. "There was more science fiction in Fox's recent report on 'global cooling' then in our upcoming flesh-eating hamster movie, starring Lorenzo Lamas."

"I just want to ask who the president thinks will win the Puppy Bowl," says an Animal Planet correspondent.

The Playboy Channel, TV Land, and Cartoon Network also are seeking White House bureaus. Press Secretary Robet Gibbs has yet to comment on whether space will be allotted for them.

School Paper Refuses to Cover Tiger Woods

SPRINGFIELD, MA- With the Tiger Woods scandal in full bloom, every paper in the country is devoting front page coverage to it-- every paper that is, except one. The Fillmore Flyer, a student publication of Millard Fillmore High School, has adopted a controversial editorial policy of devoting no ink to the golf superstar and his peccadilloes. "Between the upcoming winter formal and the cafeteria stink bomb incident, it just seems like we've got more important news to cover," says senior, Ricky Blovtiz, Flyer editor-in-chief.

"The Flyer is just copping out," says New York Post editor, Col Allan. "This week the president committed 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, the Senate is debating historic healthcare reform, and New York killed gay marriage, but we never let Tiger get bumped as lead story."

The New York Times, Washington Post, and Chicago Tribune also found front page space for articles and pictures related to the scandal. Even the National Inquisition is running a gratuitous image of Woods' wife in a bikini.

Fillmore principal, Ted Herschel has apologized on behalf of the school paper. "These are just kids," he explains. "We can only hope that when they grow up, they'll have a better understanding of what's truly important."

Michael Jackson Murdered, News Media Rejoice

Minutes after the Los Angeles County Coroner ruled Michael Jackson's death a homicide, CNN released a personal message to the pop star's loved ones. "To the family, friends, and fans of Michael Jackson," Soledad O'Brian announced, "we just want to say, this couldn't have come at a better time."

For weeks, news producers and reporters have been facing the grim spectre of eventually having to get into details of healthcare reform, or Afghanistan, or new revelations of CIA prisoner abuse, but the news that the King of Pop's death was a murder knocks all those stories off the radar.

"I'm so relieved," says Fox News reporter Rich Reichmuth. "I was sure they'd send me to Iran to cover the trial of arrested reformists." Instead Reichmuth is headed to L.A., to spend the next few weeks, months, or years investigating "how Jackson was killed, and what Obama's motive was."

News organizations aren't the only ones benefiting from the coroner's ruling. Joe Jackson is reportedly in talks with Hasbro to release a "Michael Jackson Edition" of the board game, Clue. Early reports on the game suggest that the killer may be Dr. Orange, in the bathroom, with the pills.

Inside the Media: Michael Jackson

Inside the Media is a new feature, where we teach our readers how jour- nalism works. This week, the primary duty of any responsible journalist has been to tie anything else in the news to Michael Jackson.

On the subject of healthcare, it's tempting to focus on the ongoing Congressional debate that could change the lives of all Americans ("Discord on Health Care Dulls Luster Of New Pacts"), but responsible news outlets like CNN know the front and center healthcare issue is "what did Jackson's dermatologist know about his private life, and when did he know it?" ("Jackson's doctor: I worried about surgeries, Diprivan").

While President Obama was in Russia, it would have been easy for the status of our troubled relations with the world's other nuclear superpower to take centerstage ("Obama, Putin Meet at Last"). Fortunately, NBC's Chuck Todd stayed on focus, drilling the president during his Moscow press conference on whether it was Jackson's achievements as a black entertainer that paved the way for the Obama presidency ("Obama on Michael Jackson's Role").

And finally, while the surprise resignation of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is newsworthy ("Where is Sarah Palin Going Next?"), it is only appropriate to pair it with the similarly-themed news story, "Michael Jackson Buried Without His Brain."