Wednesday, December 19, 2012

NRA: Solution to Gun Violence is Nukes

The NRA has long argued that the only way to curb gun violence is to make guns more available, because as everyone knows, if something causes a problem the best way to solve it is to have way more of it. This is why so many people have lost weight with the popular "all-cookie diet," and why exterminators typically solve a rat problem by releasing thousands of rodents into a home to drive them out.

This week however, the NRA admitted that today's criminal shooters are so heavily armed that guns alone can't solve the problem, and began lobbying to loosen restrictions on nuclear weapons. "The Second Amendment protects the right to bear all arms," an NRA spokesperson said, "not just guns. Clearly the founding fathers were not just talking about semiautomatic assault rifles with armor piercing bullets. They were explicitly protecting an American's right to defend his home with a full nuclear arsenal."

The spokesperson went on to explain how the Newtown tragedy could have been averted if one of the teachers had been carrying a small thermonuclear device. "Within seconds she could have reduced the entire town to a steaming pile of radioactive rubble, including the shooter, and maybe some mentally disturbed people who could have gone on to become shooters."

A nuclear-armed citizenry would reduce not only violent crime, but even minor infractions "Is anyone going to cut you off in traffic when they have no idea if you're packing a Titan Missile?" the spokesperson asked. "Just imagine how friendly everyone would have to be if every stranger on the street was just a button click away from wiping out the entire town."

Current laws banning individuals from owning nuclear weapons make us more vulnerable to nuclear assault, the spokesperson argued. "Since criminals don't follow laws, there is absolutely no way to prevent any criminal from obtaining all the nukes he wants," adding "if we outlaw nuclear warheads, only outlaws will have them."

Related story from the archives: "It's a Bible AND a Gun."

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Kindergarten Suffers "It" Outbreak

Six-year-old Miles Anderson appeared healthy when he left for school, but by mid-day he was running in frenzied circles, terrorizing his classmates, letting loose agonized screams that could be heard across the playground. He had developed the tell-tale symptoms of being "It." He soon recovered, but not before transmitting the infection to another student, sparking an "It" epidemic that soon swept through most of his class.

Little is known of the "It" virus, except that it can by spread by any form of direct contact. Survivors of the infection may enjoy a brief immunity doctors refer to as "no tag-backs."

To prevent exposure to the wider community, the Centers for Disease Control has placed Miles' kindergarten class under forcible quarantine indefinitely.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

NC Votes to Protect the Sanctity of Pizza

CHARLOTTE, NC- Two weeks after banning same-sex marriage, North Carolina voters returned to the polls to ban gluten-free pizza. "You can't change the definition of pizza," said a sponsor of the measure. "If we allow people to make pizzas with gluten-free crusts, we'll also have to let them make pizza out of dogs, or the flesh of murdered babies." 

The law's supporters deny that it is discriminatory. "People who choose to be gluten-intolerant should have the same rights as everybody else," said one voter "They just shouldn't be allowed to eat foods they like without severe abdominal pain." 

"I have nothing against people who eat gluten-free pizza. I just personally don't like it," said another voter. "So nobody else should be allowed to eat it."

Many based their vote on the Bible. "Even though Jesus technically never said anything about pizza," another voter said, "the miracle of the fishes and the loaves clearly shows he intended pizza to be made with a wheat crust and with anchovies," adding "of course I skip the anchovies because that's gross." 

The new law has drawn scorn from many in states that allow gluten-free pizza. According to one New York pizza-lover, "the people of North Carolina don't even know what a real pizza is."

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Republicans Don't Ever Want to Get Laid Again

As Republican men increasingly come out against birth control in any form, defund Planned Parenthood, make rape harder to prosecute, criminalize miscarriage, require women to have random objects jammed into their vaginas, and even denounce the Girl Scouts as a "radical organization, they are sending a clear message to women across the country: they do not ever want to have sex again. 

Nevertheless, as evidenced by Mitt Romney's five children and Rick Santorum's seven, some women are still having sex with Republicans, even those as strangely misshapen as Newt Gingrich. According to Irwin Kram of the Factual American Research Trust (FART), women's insistence on engaging in unnatural Republican sex defiles the purity of GOP values. "Since Republicans have declared abstinence the only acceptable form of birth control, women must respect that belief by abstaining from sex with them."

"Ideally," says Kram, "women should not have sex with anyone. If God intended us to have sex for pleasure, he certainly wouldn't have made it the most physically pleasurable thing we could possibly do." If women absolutely must have sex, Kram urges them not to lead God-fearing Republicans into sin, but to instead settle for godless Democrats like George Clooney or Dennis Kucinich.  

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

WASHINGTON, DC- Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping is visiting the US this week. During most of his visit, he will be accompanied by Vice President Biden. The Inquisition has secured an exclusive transcript of the moment President Obama asked Biden to handle the visit. 

PRES. OBAMA: Joe, the Vice President of China is coming. I need you to handle this important state visit.

VP BIDEN: No problem. I'll make sure he has a good time.

PRES. OBAMA: Great. Xi gets here Monday.

VP BIDEN: "She," right. I'll make sure she has a good time.

PRES. OBAMA: You'll be taking the lead once he gets here.

VP BIDEN: When who gets here?

PRES. OBAMA: No, Hu Jintao's not coming.

VP BIDEN: Who's not coming?

PRES. OBAMA: Right. Xi's coming instead.

VP BIDEN: She is?

PRES. OBAMA: Yes, Xi is. And I need you to make him feel welcome.

VP BIDEN: Eh, wait, wait.

PRES. OBAMA: No, don't bring up Ai Weiwei. That's a touchy subject. Just be on your best behavior with him.

VP BIDEN: With who?

PRES. OBAMA: No, Hu's the President of China.

VP BIDEN: I asked you first.

PRES. OBAMA: Maybe Hillary should handle his one.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

GOP Criticizes Economy for Recovering

Republican are condemning the economy for 23 consecutive months of growth, calling the move "a divisively partisan effort to help re-elect Obama and his economy-killing policies." Party leaders cite the fact that unemployment is at its lowest level in 3 years and the auto industry is doing well enough to hire Clint Eastwood for an ad as proof that the economy "hates America." They are calling on the economy to instead help the country by putting Americans out of work and going into the toilet until after the election.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Mitt Romney: From the Streets

Mitt Romney says he's from "the real streets of America." This video shows just how "streets" he is.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Latest GOP Front-Runner is You

DES MOINES- With one day before the Iowa caucuses, the latest candidate to edge ahead of Mitt Romney in the polls is you. Although you have only a little more governing experience than former front-runner Herman Cain, and nearly as tenuous a grasp on reality as former front-runner Michele Bachmann, the Republican base is excited by the fact that you are not a northeastern Mormon semi-billionaire named Mitt.

You are the latest in a string of front-runners that has included Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Chris Christie, Donald Trump, Tim Tebow, the fat kid from "Stand by Me," and Mayor McCheese. Your sudden surge confirms the prediction that "in the future everyone will be the Republican front-runner for fifteen minutes," made by the late pop artist Andy Warhol, who was briefly the Republican front-runner in August.

Your popularity may be short-lived however, as the Romney campaign has unleashed a $30 million negative ad campaign alleging that you are out-of-touch with the American people, mentally unstable, and that your personal hygiene is shoddy at best.