Sunday, May 31, 2009

H&M Fights AIDS with Leotard

STOCKLHOLM- As part of its campaign, "Fashion Against AIDS," Swedish clothing manufacturer, H&M has released a limited edition, one-piece bodysuit designed by pop-star, Katy Perry. The idea is that if your clothes make you look so ridiculous that no one would ever sleep with you, your odds of contracting AIDS are greatly reduced.

Perry is enthusiastic about the collaboration. "H&M has been so supportive," the performer says. "As soon as they heard me sing, they said it would be a good idea for me to explore other talents. And here we are."

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Conservatives Attack Obama Nominee

WASHINGTON DC- Yesterday, President Obama announced Sonia Sotomayor as his Supreme Court nominee. In an effort to stay ahead of the news cycle, the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation issued a statement condemning Obama's choice a full twelve hours before the choice was made.

"With the selection of [fill in name here]," said spokespoerson, Mitchell Willburn, "Obama has chosen a judicial activist who believes he/she can use the bench to inflict his/her radical agenda on the nation." The statement went on to attack the nominee's prior rulings. "In the case of [insert case], this nominee showed a blatant liberal bias on the issue of [gun control/gay marriage/evolution/the world being round/TBD]."

Many Obama supporters have been swayed by the Foundation's argument. "I voted for Obama," says Mark Water of Ohio, "but when I learned that whoever he ends up picking has a clear record of supporting mandatory abortions for all women, forced same-sex marriage, and/or Satanic ritual sacrifice, I felt completely betrayed. I just hope he changes his mind and ends up picking someone else."

In an interview prior to the nominee announcement, Willburn asserted that it would make no difference if the president did chose someone else,  the Foundation's accusations would apply to whoever the nominee would be. "Given the dangerous extremism of anyone he ends up picking, the only responsible thing he can do is to just pick no one." 

Prior to being labeled as a radical, Sotomayor, the actual nominee as of yesterday, was nominated to US District Court by the first President Bush. She is recognized as "the judge who saved baseball," for her ruling in the 1994 baseball strike. She was reportedly horrified to discover that she is in fact a liberal judicial activist, and is considering withdrawing her nomination.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Americans Not Homophobic, We Just Prefer Crap

Editorial by Allan Piper

The victory of Kris Allen over Adam Lambert on
American Idol this week has spawned a flurry of criticism that Lambert lost because he is gay. It is the opinion of the National Inquisition that he lost simply because given a choice between a quality product and a piece of s--t, Americans habitually choose the latter. Let's not forget that the first honor accorded to the Idol winner was the chance to release the single "No Boundaries." This execrable overture of overblown mixed metaphors and high pitched shrieking is the kind of song the FBI uses to break the spirit of a holed-up hostage taker, but today it is #2 on iTunes.

We have a history of selecting inferior goods. We (allegedly) elected George Bush twice. In 2004, with nearly 2,000 American soldiers killed in a meaningless war and habeas corpus suspended, we said "Ooh, you know what would be great? More of this!"

It is sadly true that America has no shortage of homophobes, but our love of crap transcends the bounds of bigotry. The daily sale of 47 million McDonald's hamburgers has never been hurt by the fact that Ronald is gay (You didn't know? Come on, in all these years, when have you ever seen him with anyone other than his longtime companion, Grimace). And you can be sure that when Night at the Museum 2 clobbers the Noel Coward comedy of manners, Easy Virtue at the box office this weekend, it's not because we can't tell Englishmen from gay men, it's because we'd simply rather watch Ben Stiller get beat up by a monkey.

What's beautiful about America is that the love of crap that unites us is greater than what divides us. Whether it's gay crap like Isaac Mizrahi's Project Runway knockoff, black crap like the new Wayans brothers movie, or disabled crap like the songs of Andrea Bocelli, it's all part of one big bowl of crap that makes us who we are. This Memorial Day Weekend, let us tear ourselves away from the Bridezillas marathon on WE for just a moment, to pour ourselves a 40 ounce cup of Diet Coke and drink a toast to our common values.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Senate Questions 5 Witnesses, Tortures None

WASHINGTON DC - Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (three guesses why he got into politics) presided over a Senate judiciary subcommittee hearing today on the Bush administration's "torture memos." The senators questioned witnesses including a former FBI interrogator and a former aid to Condoleezza Rice. While the questioning at times grew heated, the senators did not resort to water-boarding. 

For insight into the use of harsh interrogation techniques, we interviewed a CIA interrogator. Allan Piper has this audio report. Joe Smith contributed to this story. 

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

'Time Out' Puts Fully-Clothed People on Cover

NEW YORK- In a controversial move aimed to boost sales, this week's Time Out New York cover features multiple fully-clothed people. The no-nudity cover sparked outrage among teenage boys with no access to actual pornography, and among conservative readers who accidentally bought the magazine, mistaking it for US News & World Report. 

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Entire Town Destroyed by Irony

LUCKYVILLE, NY- Just weeks after voting to change the town name, the community formerly known as Dumfolk was wiped off the map by a tragic and lethal dose of irony. Despite warnings from the National Literary Service that a deadly irony front was on the way, Mayor Tom Hero decided not to evacuate the town. "You never know how seriously to take these warnings," he explains.

Hero began taking the threat seriously on Monday, when the fire station caught fire during their annual barbecue. Fortunately, the entire fire department was on hand with their hoses. Unfortunately, the artictecturally significant fire station was built entirely from sodium metal, which explodes in water. The resulting blast destroyed multiple nearby homes.

Luckyville residents sought haven in a former bomb shelter under City Hall. Unfortunately, the since the end of the Cold War, the bomb shelter had become a storage area for municipal dynamite, which soon detonated. Survivors claimed the detonation occurred when Alice Butz, chairperson of the Luckyville Commission to Stop Smoking, inadvertently tossed her cigarette into the dynamite.

At this point, Hero decided an evacuation was necessary, and loaded the entire surviving Luckyville population onto two ferries to take them across Lake Peril to the neighboring town of Safety. "Now I saw the last Batman movie," Hero explains, "and I was mindful that a crazy person might have filled the ferries with explosives, so I had both ferries loaded with bomb sniffing dogs." As it turns out, the dogs were rabid and devoured all of the passengers when they were halfway to Safety.

Hero was Luckyville's sole survivor. Unfortunately, while being interviewed by this reporter, he became aware of a bee in the room. Deathly allergic to bee stings, Hero flailed wildly and accidentally flung himself out the window of our twenty-sixth story office. Fortunately, he landed safely in the back of an industrial pillow truck that happened to be passing beneath. He was taken to the hospital, where he suffered a fatal bee sting before being randomly shot.

Baldwin Claims Persecution for Being Anti-Gay Marriage

On Larry King Live yesterday, actor Stephen Baldwin claimed that he, and other supporters of "traditional marriage," are being persecuted and looked down for their religious beliefs. Our staff of fact checkers have investigated the claim, and have found that Baldwin is in fact looked down upon for being Stephen Baldwin. The actor hopes to raise his social status by appearing next on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, along with impeached Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich and American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar.