Friday, May 22, 2009

Americans Not Homophobic, We Just Prefer Crap

Editorial by Allan Piper

The victory of Kris Allen over Adam Lambert on
American Idol this week has spawned a flurry of criticism that Lambert lost because he is gay. It is the opinion of the National Inquisition that he lost simply because given a choice between a quality product and a piece of s--t, Americans habitually choose the latter. Let's not forget that the first honor accorded to the Idol winner was the chance to release the single "No Boundaries." This execrable overture of overblown mixed metaphors and high pitched shrieking is the kind of song the FBI uses to break the spirit of a holed-up hostage taker, but today it is #2 on iTunes.

We have a history of selecting inferior goods. We (allegedly) elected George Bush twice. In 2004, with nearly 2,000 American soldiers killed in a meaningless war and habeas corpus suspended, we said "Ooh, you know what would be great? More of this!"

It is sadly true that America has no shortage of homophobes, but our love of crap transcends the bounds of bigotry. The daily sale of 47 million McDonald's hamburgers has never been hurt by the fact that Ronald is gay (You didn't know? Come on, in all these years, when have you ever seen him with anyone other than his longtime companion, Grimace). And you can be sure that when Night at the Museum 2 clobbers the Noel Coward comedy of manners, Easy Virtue at the box office this weekend, it's not because we can't tell Englishmen from gay men, it's because we'd simply rather watch Ben Stiller get beat up by a monkey.

What's beautiful about America is that the love of crap that unites us is greater than what divides us. Whether it's gay crap like Isaac Mizrahi's Project Runway knockoff, black crap like the new Wayans brothers movie, or disabled crap like the songs of Andrea Bocelli, it's all part of one big bowl of crap that makes us who we are. This Memorial Day Weekend, let us tear ourselves away from the Bridezillas marathon on WE for just a moment, to pour ourselves a 40 ounce cup of Diet Coke and drink a toast to our common values.

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