Wednesday, July 28, 2010

GOP Defends Democracy from Voter Takeover

WASHINGTON, DC- Republican senators used the filibuster yesterday to protect America from the DISCLOSE Act, a law which would have required political ads to display what organization paid for them, and would have barred foreign companies from buying campaign ads in the US. With only 57 Democrats supporting the bill, it was defeated by a substantial majority of 41 Republicans.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell attacked the measure, calling it part of a vast Democrat conspiracy to shift electoral power into the hands of voters. "It would be un-American to stop companies like BP, Toyota, or Al Queda from surreptitiously bankrolling a campaign," the Kentucky senator argued. "If we take away the right of a foreign power to secretly influence an American election, what rights will be left?"

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

AZ Senator Stands Up for Suffering Billionaires

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-AZ) has drawn criticism for blocking the extension of unemployment benefits. As one of the leaders of a Republican filibuster, Kyl has ensured that 3.2 million Americans who lost their jobs in this recession will be cut off from benefits by the end of the month. Kyl argues that at a time of record deficit, America cannot afford an extra $35 billion for a program that he believes discourages people from looking for work.

This week, Kyl showed that despite his fiscal austerity, he is not without compassion. The Arizona senator appeared on Fox News Sunday to defend the extension of the Bush tax cut for the wealthiest Americans, at a cost of $678 billion-- a number many economists believe to be larger than $35 billion.

Percy Whetherby, of the Billionaires of America Relief Fund (BARF) praises Kyl's priorities. "Middle class Americans don't understand how much billionaires suffer during a recession," he explains. "An over-leveraged billionaire may have to sell off a football team, or a European castle," adding, "the average American never has to sell off anything bigger than an engagement ring, or a kidney."

A spokesperson for the senator describes Kyl's position as a matter of simple decency: "No billionaire should have to choose between putting food on the table that once belonged to Louis XIV, and putting the food in a diamond encrusted display case to be dangled teasingly over the heads of hungry peasants via helicopter."

Saturday, July 10, 2010

LeBron James Announces Weekend Plans on TV Special

MIAMI- Days of speculation came to an end last night, as NBA star LeBron James held a one hour press conference to announce what he's doing this weekend. The self-proclaimed "King James" had been courted by numerous social events, including a wedding, a dinner party, and helping a friend move. Last night, on a special ESPN presentation, a children's choir heralded his entrance as James came forth to declare that he will be "partying with friends" on Saturday and "mostly taking it easy" on Sunday.

The announcement came as a grave disappointment to Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who had invited James to hear his daughter's piano recital. In an open letter scribbled in crayon on the back of a Wendy's placemat, Gilbert called James' decision "'a' 'cowardly' 'betrayal,'" and swore that the two-time MVP has invoked a curse that will keep him from ever having a good weekend again. He also permanently barred James from his treehouse fort and said that he hopes he gets cooties.

The competition is already on to secure James' companionship for next weekend. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has reportedly engaged a major ad firm to persuade James to come to his barbecue. James has yet to comment on whether he will attend.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Dems Break Filibuster to Confirm Poet Laureate

WASHINGTON, DC - WS Merwin was confirmed as Poet Laureate last week, despite fierce opposition from Republicans over his "un-American" syntax and his "divisively partisan" use of irregular meter. "This appointment proves how recklessly out of touch this administration is with mainstream America," says Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), who in 2008 made the appointment of Merwin a key component of his own poetry platform.

White House sources report that 120 posts remain vacant in the Obama administration due to Republican filibusters. Following the successful confirmation of Merwin however, they are optimistic that the president may have a full administration in place by the end of the decade.

Opponents of the Merwin hold a darker view, fearing that the appointment of the 82-year-old poet to such a key government position may bring about the end of democracy itself. "Merwin's written nearly thirty books," says former Alaskan governor and celebrated poet in her own right, Sarah Palin, "Adolph Hitler wrote only one. The fact that Obama knowingly picked someone thirty times worse than Hitler for this job sends a very troubling message about our freedoms."

Friday, July 2, 2010

'Last Airbender' Reveals Mathematical Formula for Crap

LOS ANGELES- With this week's release of The Last Airbender, director M. Night Shyamalan has confirmed that he is involved in an elaborate math word problem. If he starts by making a truly brilliant movie, and each subsequent movie is exactly 1/2 as good, how many movies does he have to make until he just points a camera at an actual pile of crap for two hours? The answer appears to be eight.

Since the genius of The Sixth Sense, Shyamalan's movies have gone sequentially from "good," to "okay," to "irritating," to "bad," to "what the hell was that even supposed to be?" Airbender, the seventh in the sequence, has been described as equally enjoyable as slamming a door on your fingers, only two hours longer.

Shyamalan has only one more movie to go before he can begin filming the literal crap. That movie is slated to be the long-anticipated big-screen adaptation of the video-game, Pong, starring Hayden Christensen and Lindsay Lohan.