Tuesday, October 27, 2009

'Enough With the Vampires,' Werewolf Says

ROCKVILLE, MD- With the sudden popularity of the Twilight book and movie franchise, HBO's True Blood, and the CW's Vampire Diaries, Vampires are once again in vogue. Rick Goodhue, a data analyst and werewolf in suburban Maryland has had about enough of it. "I'm sick of women swooning over these pasty-faced blood-junkies," he says. "They may look twenty-something, but most of them are older than Hugh Hefner and John McCain put together. What kind of guy goes out with a girl three hundred years younger?"

Goodhue believes women seeking a supernatural soul mate would do better to date werewolves. "Contrary to stereotypes," he says, "in our human form we're no hairier than anybody else. In fact we're much better groomers than vampires because, hello, we can look in a mirror."

Werewolves have numerous dating advantages over vampires, such as being able to enjoy a nice dinner, or not bursting into flames in daylight, but somehow they seem to lack the erotic appeal of a moody four-hundred-year-old dead guy. Relationship advisor/hideous Frankenstein monster, Dr. Phil speculates that werewolves simply may not be exotic enough. "Most of the time they're just like everybody else," he explains. "The only difference between a human boyfriend and a werewolf boyfriend is that at a certain time of the month he turns into a ferocious beast who tries to kill you," adding, "There is no difference between a human girlfriend and a werewolf girlfriend."

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Health Insurers to Take Over Auto Industry

While the auto industry is struggling, the health insurance industry made a record $30 billion profit last year. The trade organization, America's Health Plans has proposed that the insurance industry take over the entire auto industry. The proposed plan would abolish the current, socialist system where people buy whatever cars they want, in favor of a freer, more democratic system in which people are automatically assigned a car based on where they work. Under the new plan, if you lose your job, you lose your car.

The price of a new Ford Taurus would be different for every American, based on their anticipated driving habits, and would increase substantially each year. While consumers would pay for their cars in full, they would be granted the privilege of driving them only if the automaker deemed it automotively necessary, and only if they could prove they were driving somewhere they'd never been before. A trip to grandma's house or the grocery store would be off limits, as those most likely would classify as "pre-existing locations."

Automakers would reserve the right to rescind their cars at any time, without refunding payment, if they determined a driver to be a "high risk." High risk drivers might include New York taxi-drivers, anyone who has ridden in a taxi, and anyone who has watched the show, Taxi.

With millions of Americans buying cars and few of them ever actually getting one, the plan would both dramatically boost automaker profits and substantially reduce car accidents. This would be good, because 37,261 Americans died in car accidents last year, which is almost as many as the estimated 45,000 who died because they lacked health insurance.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Boogeyman Attacks Health Reform (Video)

America's Health Insurance Plans, a lobbying group for the insurance industry released a new study this week, claiming any type of healthcare reform will double the cost of insurance for the average American. Reform supporters have dismissed this as "more fear mongering," however AHIP denies ever mongering fear. The group has referred all questions regarding the study to their new spokesperson, the Boogeyman. Watch the video below, or larger on YouTube.

Patrick Armitage, Gabe Bartalos, Brandon Cruz, Tim Foley, Claire Harding, Jen Houston, Stephen Mosher, Allan Piper, and Stella Sensel contributed to this report.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Hooray for Obama

by Bill Clinton

When I saw Pres. Obama had been selected to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, I could not have been more thrilled-- not even if I had won the award myself. Critics may say that he has not done enough to earn this honor, but they could not be more wrong.

While it is true that he didn't broker a historic Israeli-Palestinian peace accord, or contribute to the cease-fire in Northern Ireland, or negotiate a peace agreement in Bosnia (all of which I did), he has certainly done a lot. His recent speech on nuclear disarmament was absolutely inspirational-- maybe not as significant as the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty that I championed, but truly remarkable.

You see, the Nobel Peace Prize is not just about achievements. I mean look, Al Gore won one, and what did he do? He made a movie. A movie. Seriously.

Jimmy Carter won one too, and he didn't even get elected to a second term. He certainly didn't preside over the greatest economic expansion of the twentieth century. And what has Mr. Peanut done since being president? He just goes around building houses. He is a great man, and a hero of mine, but he didn't even found an organization like the Clinton Global Initiative, which is dedicated to literally solving all the world's problems (All of them. Read our charter).

Even Yasser Arafat won a Peace Prize. He won it for signing the Israeli-Palestinian peace accord. The one I brokered. No one could get Arafat and Rabin in a room together before I came along, but within months of being president I had a signed deal. And Arafat got the prize. Which I'm very happy about.

What President Obama has achieved cannot be measured in numbers. He has restored hope to the world. Remember "Hope"? It was kind of my campaign slogan. We were based out of Hope, Arkansas. There were posters that had my face on them. They said "hope" on the bottom. Nobody remembers that?

And of course he's also become the champion of universal healthcare. He's dared to stand up to the insurance giants like no one else has. Since 1993, when I did.

You all do know I got those two girls freed from North Korea, right? Yeah, that was me.

Anyway, I'm just tickled pink for Pres. Obama and his award. No matter how hard I rack my brains, I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. I mean that. Really.

Right Opposes Nobel on Grounds that Peace is Bad

In his Friday radio program, Rush Limbaugh uttered what may become the Republican Party's new slogan, "We are all on the side of the Taliban." Limbaugh was expressing his solidarity with the Taliban on their condemnation of Pres. Obama's Nobel Peace Prize. Hear the audio clip below.

Limbaugh further attacked the award in an email to, not on the grounds that Pres. Obama didn't deserve it, but on the grounds that peace is bad for America. He fears that the accolade will push the president to "continue his intentions to emasculate the United States." RNC chairman, Michael Steele echoed this sentiment in a GOP fundraising letter, warning that the celebration of peace will make America "subservient" to other nations.

The condemnation of "peace" is the latest in a series of efforts by conservatives to stamp out un-American values. During the confirmation hearings of Justice Sonia Sotomayor, Republicans attacked the emotional trait of empathy as dangerous to American society. On the anniversary of September 11, they denounced public service as unpatriotic. This weekend, as gay rights activists march on Washington, conservative counter-demonstrators are expected to protest against equality.

"We need to eliminate these corrupting ideas," says Mitchell Willburn, chairman of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation. Once empathy, public service, peace, and equality have been eradicated, Willburn promises a broad campaign against prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Obama to Nobel Committee: 'Thanks, but... Huh?'

WASHINGTON, DC- Pres. Barack Obama was startled to learn this morning that he had been selected to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. In a Rose Garden press conference, he said, "I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel committee," adding "You guys know I haven't made any peace yet, right?"

The president cited the continued US presence in Iraq, a possible escalation in Afghanistan, and his ongoing inability to close the prison in Guantanamo Bay as examples of his lack of peace-making. "Also," he added, "we did just bomb the moon."

Thorbjørn Jagland, chairman of Norwegian Nobel Committee, explained it was the extraordinary diplomacy the president showed in brokering a peace deal between Harvard professor, Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police officer, Sgt. James Crowley that earned him the award, as well as the fact that "he's just really awesome."

Not to be outdone by the Nobel committee, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Pres. Obama as the winner of the next Oscar for Best Picture. This award also came as a surprise, as Oscars typically are awarded in March, and only to people who have made movies. Academy president, Tom Sherak defended the award, explaining, "we gave one of these to Al Gore, and Pres. Obama is way cooler," adding, "and if he ever did make a movie, you know it would rock."