Obama to Nobel Committee: 'Thanks, but... Huh?'

WASHINGTON, DC- Pres. Barack Obama was startled to learn this morning that he had been selected to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. In a Rose Garden press conference, he said, "I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel committee," adding "You guys know I haven't made any peace yet, right?"

The president cited the continued US presence in Iraq, a possible escalation in Afghanistan, and his ongoing inability to close the prison in Guantanamo Bay as examples of his lack of peace-making. "Also," he added, "we did just bomb the moon."

Thorbjørn Jagland, chairman of Norwegian Nobel Committee, explained it was the extraordinary diplomacy the president showed in brokering a peace deal between Harvard professor, Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police officer, Sgt. James Crowley that earned him the award, as well as the fact that "he's just really awesome."

Not to be outdone by the Nobel committee, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Pres. Obama as the winner of the next Oscar for Best Picture. This award also came as a surprise, as Oscars typically are awarded in March, and only to people who have made movies. Academy president, Tom Sherak defended the award, explaining, "we gave one of these to Al Gore, and Pres. Obama is way cooler," adding, "and if he ever did make a movie, you know it would rock."

White House Holds Contest to Decide Why We're in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON, DC- Having been unable to articulate a clear goal for US forces in Afghanistan, Pres. Obama has launched a nationwide contest to answer the question, "Just what are we doing over there, anyway?" The president is urging all Americans to email the White House with suggestions.

"We're already getting great stuff," an administration spokesperson says. "So far the most popular answers are 'making the world safe for democracy,' and 'opening a Starbucks in Kabul,'" adding, "At this rate we're bound to come up with a good reason for being there."

Inquisition readers can submit their own answers in our comment section below (look for the tiny, tiny link that says "COMMENTS"). The winner will receive an all-expense-paid weekend for two in Kandahar.