Tom Cotton Reminds Gays How Much Worse Things Could Be.

Because when you think "America," you think "a little better than Iran." Courtesy of the Internet Action Force.
 

Michelle Obama Kills Children, Conservative Press Says

New statistics from the Governor's Highway Safety Administration show a 0.4% increase in pedestrian deaths in 2010. The Washington Examiner and the Daily Caller suggest Michelle Obama is to blame for the "sharp" rise. Her "Let's Move" campaign to fight childhood obesity is driving children away from the safety of their couches and into the paths of oncoming cars.

Reality TV star and paragon of parental responsibility, Sarah Palin has long derided the "Let's Move" campaign as a government takeover of the kitchen. It now appears that the First Lady's initiative also may be part of the administration's efforts to execute Americans via death panels.

To combat the dangerous influence of the "Let's Move" campaign, the video game industry is launching a "Never Move At All" campaign, urging children to maintain a permanently fixed position in front of their TVs and game units. "Thanks to the advent of laptops and smart phone technology, there is no longer any reason for children to make the long and dangerous trek between their TVs and their computers," a spokesperson says. "They should just stay put."

McDonald's is doing its part to boost child health and safety by redesigning the Happy Meal as a giant feedbag which parents can fasten to their children's muzzles, preventing them from ever having to get up for a snack. Once emptied, the feedbags then can be applied to the other end of the child until it is refilled and the cycle can be repeated.

The "Never Move At All" campaign is cautioning parents not to give in to the temptation to take their children out on a nice day for a game of catch. "As fun as that might be for a moment," the spokesperson says, "nothing compares to the beautiful glazed eyes, natural pallor, and oily sheen of a healthy, sedentary child."

House Passes Health Bill, Death Panels Storm Capitol

WASHINGTON, DC- Within minutes of the House passing historic health reform, death panels marched through Washington, killing babies, grandmothers, and American liberty. "Everything the Republicans said was true," screamed a shocked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). "They sounded so crazy, but they were right."

President Obama hailed the bill's passage as "not a victory for any one party, but a victory for me, and other secretly gay Muslim Kenyans plotting to destroy the US."

As the socialist Nazi death squads stormed the streets, our founding fathers were seen rising from their graves in outrage. "We built this nation on the core principle that no American should ever have affordable health care," cried a zombie George Washington as he devoured the brains of an innocent passer-by. "Now you've ruined everything."

Palin Survives Canadian Death Panels

CALGARY-
Former Alaskan governor/ palm reader, Sarah Palin, who has long railed against the dangers of a national health system such as Canada's, this weekend admitted that her family used to cross into Canada to take advantage of its deadly socialist medical institutions. While Palin's critics accuse her of hypocrisy, her supporters see this as a sign bravery.

"When she says public health care is inherently murderous and then admits to using it, it doesn't mean she's full of s--t," says conservative pundit, Mitchell Willburn, "it means she is willing to face down death."

So bold is Palin, that she will subject even her own grandson to the horrors of socialist medicine. Recently revealed court documents show that Tripp has had all of his medical care covered through the Indian Health Services and the Alaska Native Health Center.

"This is the ultimate in self-sacrifice," says Palin-supporter, Irwin Kram. "She knows government hand-outs are bad for people, so she wants to take them all for herself and her family. She's trying to spare us."

Michael Jackson Murdered, News Media Rejoice

Minutes after the Los Angeles County Coroner ruled Michael Jackson's death a homicide, CNN released a personal message to the pop star's loved ones. "To the family, friends, and fans of Michael Jackson," Soledad O'Brian announced, "we just want to say, this couldn't have come at a better time."

For weeks, news producers and reporters have been facing the grim spectre of eventually having to get into details of healthcare reform, or Afghanistan, or new revelations of CIA prisoner abuse, but the news that the King of Pop's death was a murder knocks all those stories off the radar.

"I'm so relieved," says Fox News reporter Rich Reichmuth. "I was sure they'd send me to Iran to cover the trial of arrested reformists." Instead Reichmuth is headed to L.A., to spend the next few weeks, months, or years investigating "how Jackson was killed, and what Obama's motive was."

News organizations aren't the only ones benefiting from the coroner's ruling. Joe Jackson is reportedly in talks with Hasbro to release a "Michael Jackson Edition" of the board game, Clue. Early reports on the game suggest that the killer may be Dr. Orange, in the bathroom, with the pills.

Death Rate 100% Under Socialized Healthcare

TORONTO- Jim Murray, 52, went to his doctor for what he thought would be a regular check up. Since Canada's medical system is mostly publicly funded, the visit was free. It seemed like a good deal, but it turned out to be a death sentence. "Given my blood pressure and family history," Murray explains, "the doctor said I have only forty years to live. Forty-five, tops." So much for government run healthcare, eh?

Murray is not alone. Studies show the death rate in countries with socialized medicine to be 100%. Every man, woman, and child who receives government funded healthcare is virtually guaranteed to eventually die. Some studies even place the death rate above 100%, as access to cheap and reliable contraception prevents millions from being born in the first place.

All of a sudden, our current system doesn't seem so bad, at least not to Morgan Wytuck, one of 46 million uninsured Americans. He's never even seen a doctor. "We're strong in this country," he says. "We live longer than anybody." Technically speaking he's wrong. Americans rank 42nd in world life expectancy, and 28th in infant mortality, but we remain number one in American spirit.

"If I were French, I'm sure I'd go to the doctor all the time," Wytuck says. "He'd probably make me do a bunch of sissy stuff like eat salad, or cut this giant growth off my neck instead of just putting a hat on it. But that's not how we do things here."

Not yet, anyway. If the Obama healthcare plan passes, Wytuck and millions of Americans like him may be condemned to universal healthcare, just like the citizens of every other western industrialized nation.

As for Murray in Canada, he's resigned to his fate. "I've only got a few decades left," he says, "all I can do is make the best of them."

Farrah Fawcett Mourners Annoyed by Michael Jackson Mourners

LOS ANGELES - The news of pop culture icon, Farrah Fawcett's death left the nation shocked and saddened today, until later in the day when the news of eccentric international megastar, Michael Jackson's death completely overshadowed it. "This is so irritating," says Fawcett fan, Jenna Matthews. "We were going to have a candlelight vigil in the park, until a few hundred Michael mourners showed up with their own candlelight vigil."

"Don't even get me started," says Mike Ellworth, president of the Ed McMahon Fan Club.

Fourth Horsemen of the Apocalypse Downsized Due to Budget Cuts

HEAVEN- In a joint press conference this week, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse announced that when they make their final charge across the world to bring about the end times, there will only be three of them. "We know the prophecies call for Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death," War told reporters, "but when you think about it, pestilence, war, and famine all cause death. We couldn't justify the expense of a fourth horsemen for death alone."

"Also," added Pestilence, "you all have syphilis now."

The need for budget cuts comes as a result of the housing market crash, as the Horsemen had become heavily invested in real estate over the past decade. "For a while we were doing so well, we were thinking of hiring a fifth Horseman," said Famine. "We weren't sure if it was going to be Halitosis or Celebrity-Has-Been-Reality-Competitions, but it was going to be something suitably appalling. But now we can barely afford horse feed."

As for Death, he announced that he is looking forward to

pursuing solo projects. He assured reporters that his job prospects are good, but added "if you hear of any openings, let me know. Seriously, I'll do anything."

How to Prepare for the Apocalypse

While the Horsemen declined to offer a specific date for the end of the world, Famine confided that Amazon.com's offer of no payment for twelve months on electronics is "a way better deal than you know." For those attempting to plan ahead, there is a new guide to making the best of a post-world world. Rob Kutner's Apocalypse How is chock full of tips on how to survive the unsurvivable.

As a writer for the Daily Show (a rival news organization), Kutner is an expert on dealing with utter catastrophe. The Inquisition ranks Apocalypse How as one of the top two books in print today to offer practical advice on what to do while being devoured by a band of irradiated flesh-eating mutants, the other of course being Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope (see the chapter on his early days in the Illinois Senate). Clearly both books are a must read.