Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Cain and Bachmann Have "Crazy-Off" Duel

HANOVER, NH- In last night's GOP debate, pizza-mogul Herman Cain touted his "9-9-9" tax plan, saying that it had been devised with the help of one of the world's leading economists, some guy who works at a bank in Cleveland. Rep. Michele Bachmann, who recently has slipped behind Cain among mentally unhinged voters, attacked Cain's plan on the grounds that "when you take the 9-9-9 plan and you turn it upside down" it spells "6-6-6."

Accepting Rep. Bachmann's challenge to an all-out crazy-off, Cain reportedly now is developing a new border security plan with the help of a chain-link expert from a Milwaukee Home Depot and a Wichita LoJack salesman.

The Bachmann campaign released a statement that a Cain presidency would be disastrous for the country because the letters from "President Herman Cain" can be re-arranged to spell "I rent penis dancer ham," a phrase that suggests both sexual immorality and the end of American ham ownership.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Pastor Calls Mormonism Crazier than Regular Christianity

WASHINGTON, DC- Pastor Robert Jeffress caused a stir this week when he suggested that voters should choose Gov. Rick Perry over Mitt Romney because Mormonism "is a cult." Jeffress, who believes that two thousand years ago God got a virgin pregnant and became his own son to save mankind from the damnation he himself had prepared for them, thinks Romney's religion is a little bit crazy.

"You do have to admit, Mormonism is pretty weird," said a member of Jeffress' First Baptist Church in Dallas, a group that claims to save parishioners' souls by dunking them in a large tub of water. "Mormons think Jesus told people to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and then he came back from the dead," the baptist said, "so at least that's normal. But when they say God gave golden plates to Joseph Smith, that's just freaky-ville."

Despite the controversy, Jeffress stands by his statement, but says that he will pray for Romney while kneeling in front of an ancient Roman execution device which he believes allows him to talk to God.