House Budget Will Kill Puppies

WASHINGTON, DC- The House will vote today on a Republican plan of sweeping budget cuts. One of its most controversial provisions will call for the execution of all the nation's puppies. "With a $1.5 trillion deficit," Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) announced, "we simply cannot afford small furry animals that run around and piddle everywhere."

Critics of the measure say that killing puppies will have no effect on the deficit. "If Republicans were serious about the deficit, they could have scaled back the defense budget, which accounts for 20% of deficit spending," a Democratic staffer said. "Or they could have cut the Bush tax cut for the wealthiest Americans, which is going to increase the deficit by nearly 47%."

The staffer went on to say that by killing puppies, killing PBS and NPR (which account for only 0.0003% of the budget), killing food aid for starving foreign children (which accounts for less that 0.053% of the budget), and bragging about killing 200,000 federal jobs, Republicans are not trying to cut the deficit, they are simply trying to be as mean possible, "because as Van Jones put it, they are a**holes."