Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Iowa to Vote on Straight Marriage Ban

DES MOINES- A group of gay conservatives, seeking to uphold the sanctity of marriage, have succeeded in securing a special election to vote on Proposition 9, a measure to ban heterosexual marriage in Iowa. "With over 50% of different-sex marriages ending in divorce, straight people have abused the institution to the point where they no longer deserve the privilege," says the Rev. Thomas Weeber, of the American Values Association, the group that authored Prop 9. "What they do in private is their business, but when they insist on calling it 'marriage,' it starts taking away my rights." When asked how someone else's marriage affects his rights, Weever explains "Well, it just does."

Roberta Mercer, a working mother, says she plans to vote for the initiative. "I'm not anti-straight," she says, "but I have to think about my children. What am I supposed to say when my daughter asks 'Why does Jimmy have only one mommy?' Or, 'Why is Cyndi's daddy f---ing his secretary?' These aren't issues children should be confronted with." Mercer adds, "and yes, Cyndi's daddy is totally f---ing his secretary, and everybody knows it. Sorry, Cyndi."

Straight marriage has been legal in Iowa since 1833, but under Prop 9, all previously recognized different-sex unions would be legally dissolved. "I can't believe it," says Mabel Warren, who has been married to a man of the opposite sex for twenty-seven years. "I made a vow before God that no matter how fat or bald or abnormally gassy my Bill gets, I would spend every day with him until one of us is dead. But with just one vote, all of that could get wiped out. What time do the polls open?"

The American Values Association spent over ten million dollars to get Prop 9 on the Iowa ballot. Since the group is based in San Francisco, and has no actual connection to Iowa, critics have questioned whether it is appropriate or even legal for the group to play such a large role in Iowa politics. Rev. Weeber has no such qualms. "This is a moral issue which transcends state boundaries," he explains. "In his first letter to the Corinthians, St. Paul explicitly states that men should not marry women," adding, "If we embrace different-sex marriage, we're just one step away from embracing different-species marriage, and while I'm sure the radical straight activists would love to come home and find their mothers in bed with an orangutan, it's not going to happen on my watch."

Iowans will vote on the initiative on Tuesday. Until then, the AVA will be sponsoring a prayer vigil. Those wishing to purchase a "Ban Straight Marriage" button may contact Rev. Weeber directly at

Friday, April 10, 2009

Real Cause of Recession Revealed to be Facebook

WASHINGTON- A study by the Center for Economic Analysis revealed this week that the real cause of the global economic crisis is not the collapse of sub-prime mortgages, but in fact Facebook. Since Facebook's public debut in 2006, American workplace productivity has fallen 100%. Literally nothing is getting done. According to a spokesperson from the U.S. Department of Labor, "Hold on. I've just got to tag some friends in this picture. I'm sorry, what was your question? Wait, I got a 'donut request'? What does that even mean?"

As more Americans struggle to balance the demands of updating their status, taking quizzes to find out what soft drink they are, and finally reconnecting with that weird kid in sixth grade that they never liked anyway, they're discovering that they simply do not have time for lesser things, like their actual jobs. Across all careers, even workers who find time to start a business-related task, like analyzing a spreadsheet, writing a news article, or removing a ruptured appendix, must frequently interrupt their work to notify their friends of the five 80's sitcoms that shaped their lives. Although they have every intention of quickly picking up their work where they left off,

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Fourth Horsemen of the Apocalypse Downsized Due to Budget Cuts

HEAVEN- In a joint press conference this week, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse announced that when they make their final charge across the world to bring about the end times, there will only be three of them. "We know the prophecies call for Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death," War told reporters, "but when you think about it, pestilence, war, and famine all cause death. We couldn't justify the expense of a fourth horsemen for death alone."

"Also," added Pestilence, "you all have syphilis now."

The need for budget cuts comes as a result of the housing market crash, as the Horsemen had become heavily invested in real estate over the past decade. "For a while we were doing so well, we were thinking of hiring a fifth Horseman," said Famine. "We weren't sure if it was going to be Halitosis or Celebrity-Has-Been-Reality-Competitions, but it was going to be something suitably appalling. But now we can barely afford horse feed."

As for Death, he announced that he is looking forward to
pursuing solo projects. He assured reporters that his job prospects are good, but added "if you hear of any openings, let me know. Seriously, I'll do anything."

How to Prepare for the Apocalypse

While the Horsemen declined to offer a specific date for the end of the world, Famine confided that's offer of no payment for twelve months on electronics is "a way better deal than you know." For those attempting to plan ahead, there is a new guide to making the best of a post-world world. Rob Kutner's Apocalypse How is chock full of tips on how to survive the unsurvivable.

As a writer for the Daily Show (a rival news organization), Kutner is an expert on dealing with utter catastrophe. The Inquisition ranks Apocalypse How as one of the top two books in print today to offer practical advice on what to do while being devoured by a band of irradiated flesh-eating mutants, the other of course being Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope (see the chapter on his early days in the Illinois Senate). Clearly both books are a must read.