Fourth Horsemen of the Apocalypse Downsized Due to Budget Cuts

HEAVEN- In a joint press conference this week, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse announced that when they make their final charge across the world to bring about the end times, there will only be three of them. "We know the prophecies call for Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death," War told reporters, "but when you think about it, pestilence, war, and famine all cause death. We couldn't justify the expense of a fourth horsemen for death alone."

"Also," added Pestilence, "you all have syphilis now."

The need for budget cuts comes as a result of the housing market crash, as the Horsemen had become heavily invested in real estate over the past decade. "For a while we were doing so well, we were thinking of hiring a fifth Horseman," said Famine. "We weren't sure if it was going to be Halitosis or Celebrity-Has-Been-Reality-Competitions, but it was going to be something suitably appalling. But now we can barely afford horse feed."

As for Death, he announced that he is looking forward to

pursuing solo projects. He assured reporters that his job prospects are good, but added "if you hear of any openings, let me know. Seriously, I'll do anything."

How to Prepare for the Apocalypse

While the Horsemen declined to offer a specific date for the end of the world, Famine confided that Amazon.com's offer of no payment for twelve months on electronics is "a way better deal than you know." For those attempting to plan ahead, there is a new guide to making the best of a post-world world. Rob Kutner's Apocalypse How is chock full of tips on how to survive the unsurvivable.

As a writer for the Daily Show (a rival news organization), Kutner is an expert on dealing with utter catastrophe. The Inquisition ranks Apocalypse How as one of the top two books in print today to offer practical advice on what to do while being devoured by a band of irradiated flesh-eating mutants, the other of course being Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope (see the chapter on his early days in the Illinois Senate). Clearly both books are a must read.

Roommate from Hell (video)

by Chris Pearson & Allan Piper

LOS ANGELES- In an ever worsening economy, more Americans are having to adopt unconventional living situations just to keep a roof over their heads. Eric Sharpe and Dave Stahler have been roommates for three years. Describing themselves respectively as a "neat freak" and "a slob," they often have felt like their two-bedroom, North Hollywood apartment wasn't big enough for the both of them. Nevertheless, when Dave recently lost his job and Eric suffered a pay cut, they decided to take on a third roommate.

"It's not an ideal situation," Eric admits. "We've had to give up a lot of space."

"Also," adds Dave, "our roommate is a demon who devours human souls, is trying to bring about the apocalypse, and really hogs the bathroom."

Tod von Unschuldigen (German for "death of the innocents") is a torment administrator from the Eighth Circle of Hell, who happened to be looking for a new apartment when Dave inadvertently summoned him in an attempt to get out of doing household chores. Tod had never considered moving to North Hollywood, because he regarded it as "too far from Hell, and not as nice a neighborhood," but when he learned that these two humans were seeking a roommate, things fell into place.

"Hell rents have gotten ridiculous," Tod explains. "And with all the real estate agents who end up down there, you always have to pay a broker's fee."

Living in such tight quarters requires a lot of compromise. "Unfortunately," Eric laments, "not everybody in this house understands human standards of decency."

"It's true," Tod confirms. "Dave has no sense of boundaries. I had a bag of hornets I'd been saving, and Dave just went and ate the whole thing."

"Hey, if you don't write your name on it, it's fair game," Dave counters. "Anyway, they were gross."

Given such a difference of cultural backgrounds, some clashes are inevitable, but the roommates are doing their best to get along. "I'm an active member of a conservative church," Eric relates, "so a lot of people assume I'd have a problem living with the Prince of Lies."

"The Prince of Lies is my uncle," Tod corrects. "I'm just the Viscount of Misleading Statements."

"Anyway," Eric continues, "it turns out we have very similar moral values. We volunteered for McCain together. We both voted for Prop. 8. And while I'm not crazy about the fact that he slays virgins in his room and sets fire to their bodies on an altar of human skulls, as long as he pays his rent on time, it's really none of my business."

All three roommates hope to save enough to eventually get places of their own. In the meantime, Tod is grateful for the hospitality his human roommates have shown him. "I'm a stranger in the human realm," Tod says, "but now that I live here, they've really made me feel like I belong in their world. I hope before long I'll be able to do the same for them."

Click here to see a short documentary about the three roommates.