Fox News Hails Bin Laden as America's Savior

In an interview with Glenn Beck this week, former CIA official, Michael Scheuer said the only thing that can save America from the threats the Obama administration is not keeping us safe from is a terrorist attack.

Scheuer is the former chief of the CIA's Bin Laden Issue Station. The logic of how a terrorist attack keeps us safe from things like, say a terrorist attack is too complex to explain here, but according to our fact checkers it is irrefutable. Terror = security, secret wiretaps = liberty, war = peace, and work makes us free.

Fox News has come up with several tips to help save America by aiding the terrorists.

If you see something, don't say anything.

Do you know where bin Laden is hiding? Don't tell. Instead, send him a care package. Cookies are always a great gift.

Waste Jack Bauer's Time

If CTU Agent Jack Bauer pumps you for information, tell him the terrorists are three exits south on the 405 Freeway. That will keep him stuck in traffic for at least two of his 24 hours.

Help the Terrorists by Voting Republican

While 9/11 would not have been possible without the hijackers who gave their lives to save America, the men who deserve the real credit are George Bush and Dick Cheney. Al Queda tried to launch attacks on US soil during the '90s, but the Clinton administration foolishly thwarted them. Only Bush and Cheney had the courage to ignore their intelligence reports, allow 9/11 to happen, and then capitalize on it for political gain. And under the guise of a meaningless and disastrous war, they launched a bold Al Queda recruitment campaign that may keep a steady flow of terrorists after us for generations to come.

And finally…

If You're a Terrorist, Please, Please Attack Us

We know you're busy, but if you have time to update your Facebook status, you have time to detonate a dirty bomb. Just pick a target and get it over with. For the record, Fox New is located at 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY.