The NRA has long argued that the only way to curb gun violence is to make guns more available, because as everyone knows, if something causes a problem the best way to solve it is to have way more of it. This is why so many people have lost weight with the popular "all-cookie diet," and why exterminators typically solve a rat problem by releasing thousands of rodents into a home to drive them out.
This week however, the NRA admitted that today's criminal shooters are so heavily armed that guns alone can't solve the problem, and began lobbying to loosen restrictions on nuclear weapons. "The Second Amendment protects the right to bear all arms," an NRA spokesperson said, "not just guns. Clearly the founding fathers were not just talking about semiautomatic assault rifles with armor piercing bullets. They were explicitly protecting an American's right to defend his home with a full nuclear arsenal."
The spokesperson went on to explain how the Newtown tragedy could have been averted if one of the teachers had been carrying a small thermonuclear device. "Within seconds she could have reduced the entire town to a steaming pile of radioactive rubble, including the shooter, and maybe some mentally disturbed people who could have gone on to become shooters."
A nuclear-armed citizenry would reduce not only violent crime, but even minor infractions "Is anyone going to cut you off in traffic when they have no idea if you're packing a Titan Missile?" the spokesperson asked. "Just imagine how friendly everyone would have to be if every stranger on the street was just a button click away from wiping out the entire town."
Current laws banning individuals from owning nuclear weapons make us more vulnerable to nuclear assault, the spokesperson argued. "Since criminals don't follow laws, there is absolutely no way to prevent any criminal from obtaining all the nukes he wants," adding "if we outlaw nuclear warheads, only outlaws will have them."
Related story from the archives: "It's a Bible AND a Gun."