Obama Has Fit of Rage, Frowns Slightly

WASHINGTON, DC- An enraged Pres. Obama told Larry King yesterday that he is "furious" over the Gulf Coast oil spill. The normally calm president displayed his uncontrollable anger by pursing his lips slightly and drawing his eyebrows into a subtle frown.

"I've never seen him fly off the handle like that," an aide confided. "If I were [BP CEO] Tony Hayward, I'd be sleeping with one eye open," the aide went on to say, "just in case someone comes by to deliver a very sternly-worded letter."

Robots Fail to Stop Oil Spill

Yesterday's attempt by BP to use robot submarines with diamond saws to stop the oil spill proved unsuccessful. BP executives are now scouring comic-books in search of another solution, preferably involving psychic monkeys with laser swords.

BP CEO Inconvenienced by Spill

With the economy and environment of the Gulf Coast in peril, it's easy to forget the real victim of the oil spill, BP CEO Tony Hayward. Since the well began spewing about 70,000 barrels of oil a day into the ocean, it's been nothing but a headache for BP's long-suffering chief executive. "I'd like my life back," Hayward told reporters on Sunday.

Financially speaking, the oil disaster is no big deal for BP. Federal law limits the company's liability to $75 million, on average less than 3% of BP's annual profits. Senate Democrats are attempting to raise the liability cap, but James Inhofe*, an oil industry advocate who moonlights as a US senator, promises that Republicans will filibuster such attempts.

The real cost for BP is the horrible inconvenience that Hayward is suffering. It now appears that he will be forced to spend his entire summer in Louisiana, a state that no longer has any uncontaminated seafood he can eat or clean beaches he can lie out on. An aide close to the executive describes the effect on Hayward's summer vacation plans as "a tragic disaster."

*Sen. Inhofe (R-OK) has received over $1.2 million in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry. He is the ranking Republican on the Environment and Public Works Committee.

BP Cleans Gulf Coast of Toxic Jounalists

In the five weeks since news of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster exploded into the headlines, BP has been working tirelessly to stop the hazardous flow of information. It is still unclear exactly how much journalistic ink has been spilled on this story, but clean-up teams are working day and night to remove potentially toxic journalists, photographers, and bloggers from Louisiana's beaches.

Last week, CBS reporters were threatened with arrest for attempting to film a polluted beach (video here). This week, BP CEO Tony Hayward demonstrated his commitment to cleaning up the news coverage by personally shoeing a cameraman away from a pool of oil.

BP officials are optimistic that they may be able to plug all news leaks within the next several weeks, at which point they can turn their attention to stopping the actual flow of oil.

Louisiana Sen. Wants More Drilling

As Louisiana copes with the most catastrophic oil spill in history, it would be easy for Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu to pander to special interests (such as the voters of Louisiana) and take a stand against off-shore drilling, but Sen. Landrieu has never been one to take a position just to please three or four million of her constituents.

This week the senator came out in support of continued and accelerated offshore drilling, not because she's received over $400,000 in campaign contributions from the oil and gas industry over the past five years, nor because energy giant, Entergy Corp is her single biggest contributor. Sen. Landrieu just loves oil, and sees tremendous benefits in her entire state being completely covered in thick crude.

"You'll never have to worry about squeaky hinges," a Landrieu aide explains, listing the benefits of completely immersing the state in oil. "It keeps your skin from drying out. The pungent aroma is so strong, no one will notice if you have bad hygiene; and who knows, 'The World's Largest Oil Slick' could well be a bigger tourist draw than great food, music, and boobs.'"

Dirt-Sledding May Be Highlight of Snow-Free Olympics

VANCOUVER- Despite the increasing threat of "global cooling," as reported by Fox News, it appears that there may be no snow for the Winter Olympics next week. Olympic organizers are working on last minute contingency plans, replacing traditional winter sports with "more modern" alternatives.

"This could be good for getting a younger audience excited about the games," says Jacques Canard, of the IOC. "The whole notion of snow is very 'last century.'"

Canard hopes to embrace the winter sports of the future, like dirt-sledding. He predicts one of the big crowd pleasers this year will be replacing figure skating with the "not drowning" competition, in which competitors in heavy ice-skates dive into a pond that once would have been frozen in the winter, and perform a challenging four-minute program of struggling not to sink. "Talk about athleticism," Canard raves.

Despite Canard's excitement, many IOC members hope to find a host city with actual snow for the next Winter Olympics, but it may not be easy. With balmy temperatures predicted for most of northern Europe, the Olympic Committee is considering Antarctica as a Winter Games venue, assuming that it still exists in 2014.

Cold Day Disproves 'Global Warming'

by Dr. Burt Anaru of the Factual American Research Trust (FART)

It was Fox News who first alerted the nation to the dangerous onset of "global cooling." In a January 11 story, Fox quoted renowned climatologist Mojib Latif of the Leibniz Institute as warning that "a mini ice age" was coming upon us.

The fact that Latif denies ever speaking to Fox, and claims that the quotes were completely made up in no way discredits Fox's reporting. The evidence supporting global cooling is irrefutable. It's freaking cold today. Have you been outside?

The alarming trend of colder temperatures goes beyond just today's weather. Across the entire northern hemisphere, temperatures have been dropping for the past six months. High temperatures in every major city are on average forty degrees colder than they were just last July.

Also, the sun disappears below the horizon earlier than it did in July, and re-emerges later on the other side, prompting fears that one day it might not come back at all. As every scientist recognizes, the longer the sun spends under the earth, the greater the chances it will be swallowed by one of the dragons that live just over the edge of the world.

So how do we respond to the threat of global cooling? The only responsible solution is to burn fossil fuels like crazy-- not because this has the power to raise the earth's temperature (the jury's still out on that one), but because God loves it when we burn stuff, and may show mercy upon us. If we commit ourselves today to the nonstop burning of oil, coal, and the occasional sacrificial virgin, I believe we can virtually guaranty that temperatures will begin to rise again by March, or April at the latest.

To Reduce CO2, US Asks China to Hold Its Breath

COPENHAGEN- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton arrived at the UN Climate Change Conference this morning with a plan to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by over 233,000 tons a year. She is asking the entire population of China to hold its breath.

"I know it sounds tough," Clinton told the Chinese delegation, "but if you can all hold your nose and mouth for just five minutes everyday, you'll be cutting almost as much CO2 as Saint Lucia emits all year." The Secretary of State then added, "and since Saint Lucia's emissions are expected to drop to zero when it's completely underwater, we'd be looking at an overall annual reduction of over half a million tons by 2025."

Several delegates objected that the US should reduce its own emissions before asking other nations to stop breathing, but Clinton defended her proposal as more realistic. "Believe me," she explained, "it'll be easier to convince a billion Chinese to stop breathing than to get anything through Congress."

Climate Change Won't Destroy Blue States, Red States Claim

LINCOLN, NE- With the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen approaching, climate change skeptics are becoming increasingly vocal. "Environmentalists make wild claims with nothing to back them up but science," says Ogden Clover of the Nebraska based, Red State Alliance. "Now science is good for a lot of things, like making volcanoes out of baking soda and vinegar, but what it's not good for is dealing with matters of faith, and real Americans have complete faith that there is no global warming."

Like most red state residents, Clover believes that "the myth of global warming" is a politically motivated conspiracy between liberals and every single climatologist on the planet. He also adamantly insists that he and other climate change deniers are "absolutely not involved" in a conspiracy of their own to annihilate the blue states.

"The idea that melting polar ice caps could cause massive flooding and wipe out the east and west coasts and Hawaii is downright laughable," says Keith Stewart of North Dakota Future Beach Front Realty. "I mean, come on."

One of the most outspoken disbelievers of global warming is professional Facebook-poster, Sarah Palin. "If I believed for one minute that global warming could destroy the Obama states, kill Katie Couric and Tina Fey, and change my state from a frozen wasteland that resembles Dante's ninth level of hell to a tropical paradise, of course I'd be against it," says the Alaskan oil advocate, "But we all know it's not true." Palin has yet to confirm speculation that she will run for president in 2012, but a Red State Alliance poll suggests that if carbon emissions remain unchecked, she could easily sweep all twenty-two states.

BBC Headline: God 'Will Not Give Happy Ending'

The BBC News online today ran a story about the Archbishop of Canterbury's announcement that "God will not guarantee a 'happy ending.'" Upon hearing of the article, Inquisition staffers raced to the site, hoping for news about a heavenly massage parlor, but were disappointed to discover just another dull report about how all life on earth probably will be extinguished by global climate change.

Further research however, revealed that God has in fact opened a massage parlor in east Hollywood, and will give a happy ending if you slip Him an extra twenty and ask for the "altar boy special." Would-be clients are urged to schedule appointments before global warming makes the entire earth bursts into a big ball of flame.

Snowstorm Disproves 'Global Warming'

ATLANTA- An unseasonable March snowstorm has blanketed much of the southeastern United States, proving once and for all that "global warming," is a myth propagated by the liberal elite, according to Mitchel Wilburn, of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation. "These doomsayers claim the world is getting hotter," Wilburn explains, "but just today we got over four inches of snow in Georgia, and the Gulf of Mexico has frozen over, so clearly nothing is wrong."

In response to the Foundation's findings, former Vice-President Al Gore released a statement saying, "this is why we prefer the term 'global climate change,' because blah blah blah…" This reporter confesses to being too bored to listen closely.

Wilburn concedes that parts of the country indeed are experiencing warmer than normal temperatures, like Anchorage, AK, which was a balmy 74° today, or Bismark, ND, where temperatures have risen so high that it is impossible to step outdoors without spontaneously bursting into flames, but the conservative analyst maintains that these conditions are all within the realm of normal weather fluctuations.

"Also," Wilburn adds, "a lot of the supposed 'weather abnormalities' you hear about now don't even have anything to do with temperature." He cites the bizarre case of the Greater Salina Trailer Park in Kansas, which has not experienced a tornado in over a month, and the so-called "head-storm" in Tupelo, MS, where it has been raining severed human heads for the past three days. "Clearly this is just good old Mother Nature playing her usual tricks."

For an opposing viewpoint, we turned to Todd Sterns, the State Department's Special Envoy on Climate Change, however he was unavailable for comment, as he was away on a ski trip in Honolulu.