All White Christians Suspected of Terrorism after Norway Attacks

When news broke of the horrific terror attacks in Norway, many were quick to blame Muslim extremists. The revelation that the suspected culprit is instead a white conservative Christian now has led to a global backlash against white Christians.

"This isn't a racial thing, but let's be real here," said an FBI official. "If you look at the biggest atrocities of the last century… the Oklahoma City bombing, the Olympic Park bombings, the Holocaust, and the massive terror attack that toppled the government of Iraq, it's always the work of some white Christian guy."

Fox News correspondent Juan Williams has admitted that he would be uncomfortable flying with white Christians. Presidential candidate Herman Cain has said that he would bar white Christians from serving in his administration, and that communities should be allowed to ban golf clubs, moose lodges, and other institutions where white Christians are known to congregate. New Mexico now requires state troopers to stop any car displaying a Jesus fish and demand the driver present proof of citizenship.

"This kind of profiling is unfair," says the Rev. Jeremy Cockwright, a white Christian cleric who claims to have no terrorist ties. "Just because a handful of extremists have done things like bomb women's health clinics, burn crosses on lawns, go on random shooting sprees, engage in ritualistic serial killings, operate networks of organized crime, form massive suicide cults, orchestrate elaborate financial manipulations that threaten to bring down the global economy, carry out acts of genocide... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where I was going with this."

Homeland Security is calling on all citizens to be on the lookout for white extremists in their neighborhoods. If you see someone whose skin is lighter than a Whole Foods grocery bag, or anyone carrying a Whole Foods grocery bag, do not hesitate to notify the authorities.

Congressman's Penis Brings Nation Together

NEW YORK- Rep. Anthony Weiner's sexting scandal has now been front page news longer than the death of Osama bin Laden. Long after the nation has forgotten who bin Laden was or what he did, Americans will forever remember where they were when they first saw the congressman's bulging shorts.

The member of Congress' member has stretched across the aisle, uniting Republicans and Democrats in shared disgust. Having now resigned from offices, Weiner has pledged to continue using penis as a metaphorical or perhaps literal bridge to help people of opposing political views come together in unity.

Does Fox Wish Obama Dead?

A National Inquisition Editorial

Detractors of Fox News had a field day on Sunday night when a network affiliate ran the headline "Obama bin Laden Dead." In fairness, correspondents for NBC, CBS, and MSNBC made similar slip-ups. Messing up one crucial letter of a word is easy to do.

Of course Fox has always spelled the Al Qaeda leader's name "Usama." So technically, they screwed up two letters. But it's wrong to act as if messing up one or two letters reveals a hidden sentiment.

Fuk News Chief Roger Asses has worked hard to assemble a pail and balasted team of reposeurs. They set their personal views aside and focus on all that matters when covering the president: pure journalistic ethnics. Not even the conspiracy minded Glenn Dick would look for a deeper meaning behind this mistake.

Of course, at least one Fox anchor mixed up as many as ten letters and announced, "President Obama is in fact dead." Fox owner Rupert Dumbf*cker was quick to explain that it was a simple slip of the tongue.

Winning War on Terror Another Failure for Obama

Pres. Obama drew criticism from his detractors this week over the strike that killed Osama bin Laden. "The fact that Obama delivered on a promise that Bush was unable to keep," said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), "is proof that this president has no ideas of his own."

Former reality TV star, Sarah Palin complained that it was cowardly to send in Navy SEALS. "A real leader would have personally engaged bin Laden in hand-to-hand combat," she said, adding "I'm a martial arts expert myself, you know. I must have watched Kung Fu Panda fifteen times."

Conspiracy theorist, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) found the whole matter suspicious. "Isn't it funny that the president knew exactly where to find bin Laden?" she asked. "Now I'm not suggesting that Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along, but what if Obama has been the mastermind behind Al Qaeda all along?"

Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump also suspected conspiracy. "The whole thing is just a diversion from the fact that Obama is an illegal alien… or possibly a space alien. Have you noticed he and E.T. have never been in a room at the same time?"

The next question becomes whether the White House will release photos of the Al Qaeda leader's body. "Withholding these photos is proof that Obama has more respect for terrorists than for the American people, and it means the terrorists win" said Irwin Kram, Senior Fellow at the Factual American Research Trust (FART). "Unless of course he does release them, in which case he's making a martyr of bin Laden and the terrorists win. Either way, it's a sad day for America."

GOP Partners with Al Qaeda to Kill New Yorkers

WASHINGTON, DC- Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) this week announced that Republicans have reached a bipartisan deal with Al Qaeda to kill off those New Yorkers the terrorist group failed to kill on 9/11. As part of this deal, Senate Republicans are filibustering the Zadroga Bill, which would provide health care for 9/11 first responders, thereby condemning the men and women who stood up for their country during the attack to die slow painful deaths from diseases caused by inhalation of 9/11 debris.

"For too long, we thought Al Qaeda wanted to destroy America," McConnell explains, "but it turns out they only want to destroy those parts that contribute positively to the nation's culture and economy, which is to say the blue states." McConnell adds that as long as red states remain dominated by ignorant, shiftless, inbred, slack-jawed yokels with no positive social or mental attributes, they are in no danger from Islamic extremists.

"It's time for Republicans and terrorists to set aside our petty differences," McConnell explains, "and focus on what we have it common: a single-minded zeal to destroy our enemies at all costs." While the Kentucky senator admits that he has certain doctrinal differences with Al Qaeda, he says "any right-wing fundamentalist group that hates gays, Jews, liberals, and women's rights can't be all bad, right?"

Prophet Muhammad Looks Awful in Photos

The creators of South Park have been the subject of death threats after including a cartoon representation of the Prophet Muhammad in last week's show. Any visual depiction of the Prophet is forbidden under Islamic law because, as those close to the founder of Islam attest, "he hates the way he looks in pictures, especially recently."

In the roughly 1,400 years since founding the world's second most popular religion, the Prophet has reportedly not aged well. "He's got a big bear gut; he's bald," sources close to the Muhammad say, "and somehow after all these years his acne's just gotten worse."

Despite spending thousands on health and beauty products, including Shake Weights and designer eye cream, the Prophet simply is not happy with his appearance, so much so that although his religious teachings are all about love and peace, he is willing to have anyone killed who posts a picture of him anywhere— especially if it was taken at that bachelor party in Reno.

Travelers Protected from Deadly Bottled Water, TSA Says

Aviation security has drawn fire recently after first permitting alleged Christmas Day undie-bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Nigeria to board a plane bound for Detroit, and then on Sunday allowing a man to bypass security at Newark Liberty Airport, forcing the entire airport to be shut down and thousands of passengers to be rescreened. Critics of the Transportation Security Administration say that heightened post-9/11 security has inconvenienced and humiliated travelers without actually making them any safer.

This week, the TSA issued a statement in its defense, listing many of its unsung achievements. "Over the past eight years," a TSA spokesperson announced, "we have confiscated over 90,000 nail clippers, which could have been used to hijack a plane by threatening the pilot with an unflattering manicure. We have disposed of over 30,000 bottles of water, which if brought onto a plane all at once could have flooded it."

The spokesperson continued, "we have caused passengers to lose over $15,000 worth of change emptied from their pockets, money that otherwise could have been used to buy weapons or explosives. We have taken over 18,000 tubes of toothpaste, 7,000 sticks of gel deodorant, and 4,000 bottles of mouthwash, thereby increasing the security of marriages, as businessmen are less likely to hook-up in a hotel bar if they stink. We have kept travelers safe from hair clips, nail files, baby formula, lip gloss, novelty pens, and expensive perfume, all of which in the hands of an evil mastermind like the Professor from Gilligan's Island could easily be converted into a thermonuclear device."

The TSA representative admitted that there still is room for improvement and promised that the agency will place a greater emphasis on training its security screeners with instructional videos, like the following film on the proper way to inspect baggage.

TSA Announces Plans to Make You F---ing Miserable

Following a failed terrorist attempt to blow up a plane on Christmas day, the Transportation Security Administration has initiated new regulations aimed to make air travel even more unpleasant than it has already become.

"We can't tell you what the new measures are," a TSA spokesperson explains, "but we promise you are really, really going to hate them."

It is believed the enhanced screening techniques will include full body scans, opening luggage so bomb-sniffing dogs may urinate in it, and randomly jabbing travelers in the eye with a stick, or "passenger safety wand."

Public response to the heightened tactics so far has been mixed. "It's a real pain," said passenger Bart Tillson, as a team of security screeners at Chicago's O'Hare Airport licked their fingers and stuck them in his ears, "but if it's this much of a hassle, it's got to make us safer, right?"

According to TSA representatives, the goal of the security protocols is to make air travel so unbearable that "even a terrorist who is willing to blow himself up, won't be willing to go through an airport to do it."

Cheney Criticizes Obama for Pardoning Turkey

WASHINGTON, DC- Pres. Obama gave his first presidential pardon yesterday to a Thanksgiving turkey in a traditional ceremony on the White House lawn. Former vice-president Dick Cheney criticized the pardon, citing it as evidence that the current president is "weak on terror."

In a statement delivered from under the bridge where he lives, Cheney said "this kind of poultry amnesty only makes us more susceptible to bird-based terrorism." Under the prior administration, the turkey had been held without trial in a secret prison, and waterboarded ninety-eight times.

Terrorists Do Not Have Super Powers

Editorial by the Infamous Professor Fear
The Infamous Prof. Fear is a world renowned super-villain. He is also Dean of the Fear Academy for Super-Villains in Training.

I'm sick of hearing people suggest that it's "too dangerous" to put the 9/11 terrorists on trial in New York, as if somehow their very presence on US soil will cause a disaster. Now if, like my friend and colleague Dr. Plutonium, they had nuclear reactors in their stomachs, and their burps and farts were atomic blasts, I could see being afraid to bring them here (or to any country that serves fast food), but these are mere mortal mass murderers.

Likewise, I am vexed by the objections to moving Guantanamo detainees to supermax prisons. This week, Senate candidate, Mark Kirk claimed that if suspected terrorists are brought to Illinois' Thomson Correctional Center, "the Chicago metropolitan area will become ground zero for Jihadist terror plots."

Please, it's maximum security. If it's good enough for mobsters, and killers who chop people up and eat them, it's good enough for a wannabe shoe-bomber. Let me tell you from personal experience, even if you have a mind-control ray, an army of mutant henchmen, and have already replaced most of the guards with android lookalikes, it is very, very hard to break out of prison.

And really, what are the other options? Place them in suspended animation and launch them into space? Too expensive. Banish them to a parallel dimension? Yeah, people in parallel dimensions just love it when we send them our super-villains. Talk about a foreign relations nightmare!

What I find most surprising is the suggestion that it would be better to execute terrorists without trial. Rounding up people and killing them is not how America deals with it's enemies; it's how I deal with my enemies. The supposed leader of the free world can't just adopt the practices of a super-villain. There are union rules against it. Be warned, America; should you abandon your founding principles of due legal process, I will do nothing short of filing a complaint with the Super-Villains Guild, and not even Pres. Obama will be able to stop me. Muhahahaha!

Right Opposes Nobel on Grounds that Peace is Bad

In his Friday radio program, Rush Limbaugh uttered what may become the Republican Party's new slogan, "We are all on the side of the Taliban." Limbaugh was expressing his solidarity with the Taliban on their condemnation of Pres. Obama's Nobel Peace Prize. Hear the audio clip below.

Limbaugh further attacked the award in an email to Politico.com, not on the grounds that Pres. Obama didn't deserve it, but on the grounds that peace is bad for America. He fears that the accolade will push the president to "continue his intentions to emasculate the United States." RNC chairman, Michael Steele echoed this sentiment in a GOP fundraising letter, warning that the celebration of peace will make America "subservient" to other nations.

The condemnation of "peace" is the latest in a series of efforts by conservatives to stamp out un-American values. During the confirmation hearings of Justice Sonia Sotomayor, Republicans attacked the emotional trait of empathy as dangerous to American society. On the anniversary of September 11, they denounced public service as unpatriotic. This weekend, as gay rights activists march on Washington, conservative counter-demonstrators are expected to protest against equality.

"We need to eliminate these corrupting ideas," says Mitchell Willburn, chairman of the conservative think tank, the American Truth Foundation. Once empathy, public service, peace, and equality have been eradicated, Willburn promises a broad campaign against prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude.

Conservatives Honor 9/11 with Day of National Disservice

A resolution signed by President Obama in April designates today, the anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks, as "a National Day of Service and Remembrance." The idea was first offered by the families of 9/11 victims as a way to honor their memory with good deeds, but has met with outrage from conservatives. In an American Spectator editorial titled "Obama's Plan to Desecrate 9/11," Matthew Vadum warned that liberals are trying to change 9/11 from "a day of fear," to "a day of activism, food banks, and community gardens."

The conservative group, the American Truth Foundation is countering the allegedly liberal "Day of Service" by sponsoring a "Day of National Disservice." Mitchell Willburn, the Foundation chairman says, "We all know 'good deeds' are part of the liberal agenda. That's why the Weekly Standard recently ran an editorial condemning the emotional trait of empathy. We have to counteract liberal acts of empathy and service wherever we see them."

Instead of good deeds, Willburn is urging Americans to spend the day doing bad deeds. "Cut someone off in traffic. Litter. Help an old lady just half way across the street. These are only a few suggestions." Willburn adds, "the President of the United States, and the families of the victims, and the people of New York simply don't understand the true meaning of 9/11, but conservatives do, and we will never forget."

The Inquisition welcomes you, our readers to offer your own suggestions on how to honor this day with either good or bad deeds in our comment section below.

Fox News Hails Bin Laden as America's Savior

In an interview with Glenn Beck this week, former CIA official, Michael Scheuer said the only thing that can save America from the threats the Obama administration is not keeping us safe from is a terrorist attack.

Scheuer is the former chief of the CIA's Bin Laden Issue Station. The logic of how a terrorist attack keeps us safe from things like, say a terrorist attack is too complex to explain here, but according to our fact checkers it is irrefutable. Terror = security, secret wiretaps = liberty, war = peace, and work makes us free.

Fox News has come up with several tips to help save America by aiding the terrorists.

If you see something, don't say anything.

Do you know where bin Laden is hiding? Don't tell. Instead, send him a care package. Cookies are always a great gift.

Waste Jack Bauer's Time

If CTU Agent Jack Bauer pumps you for information, tell him the terrorists are three exits south on the 405 Freeway. That will keep him stuck in traffic for at least two of his 24 hours.

Help the Terrorists by Voting Republican

While 9/11 would not have been possible without the hijackers who gave their lives to save America, the men who deserve the real credit are George Bush and Dick Cheney. Al Queda tried to launch attacks on US soil during the '90s, but the Clinton administration foolishly thwarted them. Only Bush and Cheney had the courage to ignore their intelligence reports, allow 9/11 to happen, and then capitalize on it for political gain. And under the guise of a meaningless and disastrous war, they launched a bold Al Queda recruitment campaign that may keep a steady flow of terrorists after us for generations to come.

And finally…

If You're a Terrorist, Please, Please Attack Us

We know you're busy, but if you have time to update your Facebook status, you have time to detonate a dirty bomb. Just pick a target and get it over with. For the record, Fox New is located at 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY.

Senator Offends Criminals

WASHINGTON DC- Attorney General Eric Holder testified before the Senate this week on the state of the Obama administration's efforts to close the Guantanamo Bay prison. Republican Sen. Sam Brownback has been leading a Senate attempt to bar the transfer of detainees to the US, claiming that these suspected terrorists are too dangerous to hold in American prisons, and that they are particulary unfit to be held in Leavenworth, in his home state of Kansas.

Many felons currently serving time in Leavenworth have taken offense at the implication that they are somehow less dangerous than the Guantanamo detainees. "You want to talk dangerous?" asks convicted mafia enforcer, Tony Gambolini. "You hear what happened to Bobby Two-Fingers? Not that I had anything to do with it, but someone chopped that little rat up and fed him to his dog. And that's just one of a dozen jobs I had nothing to do with."

Gambolini is skeptical that an incarcerated terrorist would pose a greater threat to society than he does. "What's he going to do in an eight by twelve cell that I can't do? F---ing explode? Give me a break. And we're talking guys who haven't even been convicted of anything yet."

John David Knowles, aka the Witchita Cannibal, is equally offended. "Really?" he asks. "Really? The detainees are so much more evil than I am? Did any of them build an entertainment center out of severed human heads? Somehow I doubt it."

Not all inmates are displeased with Sen. Brownback's stance. Burt Grover, a white-collar criminal who was in the process of being gang raped at the time of interview, says he's pleased the detainees won't be coming to Leavenworth. "I don't know if I'd feel safe if they were here," he says. "Because my crime wasn't serious, the judge let me pick my own prison. Security's always been important to me, so I chose a maximum security facility. I'd hate to think I made a mistake," adding "Hey, are you guys ever going to finish?"

Sen. Brownback assures American convicts he means no offense. "It's just that these terrorists are so special, I don't know if a conventional prison can hold them." Some senators have proposed placing the detainees in harder to escape scenarios, such as trapping them behind a group of fat tourists in Times Square, or locking them in a conversation with the IT guy at your company Christmas party, but until a real solution is agreed upon, the detainees must remain where they are.

Senate Questions 5 Witnesses, Tortures None

WASHINGTON DC - Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (three guesses why he got into politics) presided over a Senate judiciary subcommittee hearing today on the Bush administration's "torture memos." The senators questioned witnesses including a former FBI interrogator and a former aid to Condoleezza Rice. While the questioning at times grew heated, the senators did not resort to water-boarding. 

For insight into the use of harsh interrogation techniques, we interviewed a CIA interrogator. Allan Piper has this audio report. Joe Smith contributed to this story. 

Homeland Security Initiates Wild Goose Chase

NEW YORK-- The forced water-landing of US Airways Flight #1549 in the Hudson River last week calls attention to a new enemy in the war on terror. Homeland Security officials confirm that the double engine failure of the Airbus A320 appears to have been the work of a bird, or more likely, a conspiracy of multiple birds. Geese are the prime suspects, as several large flocks are known to have been operating in the area.

Although birds have been linked to the spread of the avian flu pandemic and the soiling of countless newly washed cars, they have flown largely below the radar of the intelligence community. "We've been so focused on terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan, we've forgotten that the largest network of Canadian Geese is just across the border," a CIA spokesperson said, "in Mexico." Although the Department of Defense has been working on a long-range catapult, designed to kill two birds with one stone, test so far only have resulted in the accidental destruction of several nearby glass houses.

On the municipal level, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced the creation of an NYPD Bird Task Force, a move that has ruffled feathers among avian activists like Carla Rhodes, founder of the radical online journal, Bird of the Day.

"Birds are watching us with their lizard eyes and are ready to strike," Rhodes concedes, "but they're so cute and fluffy - we should just let them get away with it."

Other New York bird lovers are advocating civil disobedience. Despite new MTA regulations banning birds on subways, commuter rail, and ferries, rooster owner, Chad Johnson says he still plans to take his cock out every chance he gets.

While the strike on Flight #1549 appears to have been a suicide attack, Homeland Security officials believe that the planners of the offensive may still be at large, and urge citizens to be on the lookout for suspicious bird activity.