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Friday, September 19, 2014

KY Senator Calls Climate Change 'Made Up Science;' Skeptics Call Kentucky 'Made Up State'


With the People's Climate March approaching this weekend, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) announced a new investigation he hopes will discredit some of the climate scientists, whom he claims "are making up their facts." This comes as some skeptics claim the senator himself may be making up the state of Kentucky. 

"Kentucky is a hoax" claims a spokesperson for a group of Kentucky deniers. "It's just a money-making scheme for the bourbon industry." As evidence, the group cites the fact that none of them have ever been there. 

Although a vast majority of geographers and the state's 4.38 million residents believe in Kentucky, as a news organization, the Inquisition must give equal weight to both sides of the argument.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Millions Flood Websites for Unpopular 'Obamacare'

Within the first hours that they opened, millions of masochistic Americans flooded the websites of the new insurance exchanges that, according to Republicans, they don't want.  Demand for the unpopular "Obamacare" was so high that the websites had trouble accommodating all the traffic. This is not surprising, as Americans typically flock by the millions to things they hate.

With over 10 million visitors, nearly as many people went to New York's health exchange on the first day as watched the despised finale of Breaking Bad, a show named for how universally disliked it is.


Delays caused by the 16,000 hits per second on California's exchange have led critics to call it the biggest failure to come out of the Golden State since the reviled new iPhone.


Republican lawmakers remain committed to overturning the hated health law so Americans can once again enjoy the things they love, such as being denied care because of pre-existing conditions, having their premiums jacked up at random, and facing total financial ruin if they ever become sick.

Monday, September 23, 2013

NRA Head Calls for 'National Database of Lunatics,' Stops Short of Signing Himself Up

Yesterday on Meet the Press, NRA leader Wayne LaPierre argued that the Navy Yard shooting could have been prevented if only the Navy had more guns. And although he has opposed the registration of guns, he called for registering America's mentally ill in a "national database of these lunatics."

Last year, LaPierre argued that the fact that President Obama took no action to restrict guns during his first term was proof of a "massive Obama conspiracy… to destroy the Second Amendment" during his second term. He also has suggested that President Obama will make it illegal to fly the American flag and that efforts to reduce gun violence will lead the UN to commit "mass executions of gun owners." Despite his call for a national database of lunatics, this leader of one of America's most powerful lobbying groups stopped short of offering to sign himself up. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

NRA: Shooting Could Have Been Prevented if Navy Had Guns


Having previously declared that the solution to school shootings is to arm teachers, the NRA now suggests the way to avert shootings like that at the Washington Navy Yard, at Fort Hood in 2009, and recently at police stations in Connecticut, California, and New Jersey, is to arm police and the armed forces. The NRA cites the fact that shooter Aaron Alexis, who had previously been arrested for gun violence, was able to walk onto the military facility with an AR-15 assault rifle, a shotgun, and a semiautomatic handgun, as evidence that guns are not yet easy enough to acquire. 

Related story, "NRA: Solution to Gun Violence is Nukes"

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Americans Still Prefer 'Sternly-Worded Letter' to Syra Strike

Despite last night's address, Americans remain skeptical of President Obama's call for action in Syria. An Inq poll shows only 31% of Americans support a military strike to stop Bashir al-Assad from systematically mass-murdering civilians with weapons so ghastly that the entire civilized world has classified their use as a crime against humanity. 38% of those polled instead prefer a "sternly-worded letter."

18% believe a clever Facebook status will dissuade Assad from bombarding Syrian families with the nerve-agent sarin, which causes convulsions, paralysis, neurological damage, and death within the first minute of contact. 7% support an international drum circle as the solution, while 6% say we should simply watch funny cat videos instead of looking at the images of blue-skinned Syrian toddlers spasming to death in puddles of their own poisoned vomit.

Republican leaders warn that if President Obama does resort to a sternly-worded letter, he must seek Congressional approval to authorize the use of "all-caps."

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Red Sox Owner Buys Boston Globe

Red Sox owner, John Henry has purchased the Boston Globe for $70 million. Henry promises to continue the paper's tradition of hard-hitting, investigative journalism with the upcoming exposé, "Why the Yankees Suck."

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

NRA: Solution to Gun Violence is Nukes

The NRA has long argued that the only way to curb gun violence is to make guns more available, because as everyone knows, if something causes a problem the best way to solve it is to have way more of it. This is why so many people have lost weight with the popular "all-cookie diet," and why exterminators typically solve a rat problem by releasing thousands of rodents into a home to drive them out.

This week however, the NRA admitted that today's criminal shooters are so heavily armed that guns alone can't solve the problem, and began lobbying to loosen restrictions on nuclear weapons. "The Second Amendment protects the right to bear all arms," an NRA spokesperson said, "not just guns. Clearly the founding fathers were not just talking about semiautomatic assault rifles with armor piercing bullets. They were explicitly protecting an American's right to defend his home with a full nuclear arsenal."

The spokesperson went on to explain how the Newtown tragedy could have been averted if one of the teachers had been carrying a small thermonuclear device. "Within seconds she could have reduced the entire town to a steaming pile of radioactive rubble, including the shooter, and maybe some mentally disturbed people who could have gone on to become shooters."

A nuclear-armed citizenry would reduce not only violent crime, but even minor infractions "Is anyone going to cut you off in traffic when they have no idea if you're packing a Titan Missile?" the spokesperson asked. "Just imagine how friendly everyone would have to be if every stranger on the street was just a button click away from wiping out the entire town."

Current laws banning individuals from owning nuclear weapons make us more vulnerable to nuclear assault, the spokesperson argued. "Since criminals don't follow laws, there is absolutely no way to prevent any criminal from obtaining all the nukes he wants," adding "if we outlaw nuclear warheads, only outlaws will have them."

Related story from the archives: "It's a Bible AND a Gun."