Mitt Romney Likes Firing People

Latest GOP Front-Runner is You

DES MOINES- With one day before the Iowa caucuses, the latest candidate to edge ahead of Mitt Romney in the polls is you. Although you have only a little more governing experience than former front-runner Herman Cain, and nearly as tenuous a grasp on reality as former front-runner Michele Bachmann, the Republican base is excited by the fact that you are not a northeastern Mormon semi-billionaire named Mitt.

You are the latest in a string of front-runners that has included Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Chris Christie, Donald Trump, Tim Tebow, the fat kid from "Stand by Me," and Mayor McCheese. Your sudden surge confirms the prediction that "in the future everyone will be the Republican front-runner for fifteen minutes," made by the late pop artist Andy Warhol, who was briefly the Republican front-runner in August.

Your popularity may be short-lived however, as the Romney campaign has unleashed a $30 million negative ad campaign alleging that you are out-of-touch with the American people, mentally unstable, and that your personal hygiene is shoddy at best.

Super Committee to Appoint 'Super Duper Committee'

WASHINGTON, DC- In the event that the twelve member Congressional Super Committee is unable to reach a deficit reduction deal, committee members have proposed a two member "Congressional Super Duper Committee," which would consist of a representative of each party fighting to the death in a cage. Both parties are confident that the Super Duper Committee will achieve real deficit reduction as long as the resulting deal does not include any new taxes or spending cuts.

Cain is Victim of Dem 'Time Machine'

PHOENIX- Herman Cain's presidential bid was going well until he became the GOP front runner. Then out of nowhere, he suddenly had to settle two sexual harassment suits a decade ago. In a press conference yesterday he claimed that he was the victim of "the Democrat Machine"-- a machine which many analysts now suspect is a time machine.

"It seems like a pretty big coincidence that these allegations didn't exist until last week, when they suddenly had been a matter of public record since 1999," a campaign spokesperson said.

Cain also was alarmed when just days after he warned that China was trying to develop nuclear weapons, the Asian superpower suddenly developed them in 1964.

"We're not the ones making Cain look bad," claimed Democratic National Committee spokesperson, Emmett Brown. "And whether it was last month when he compared his candidacy to a popular ice-cream flavor that suddenly hasn't existed for years, or next month when he trips over the podium at the 103rd Republican debate, there's no 'time machine' involved."

"Of course there's a time machine," said one Republican strategist. "How else could Obama fake his birth announcement in 1961? Or wreck the economy nearly three years before he took office? How else could he have slipped a made-up 'separation of Church and state' into the Constitution?"

Pres. Obama was unavailable to respond to the allegations as he was attending a fundraising gala in 1920.

Cain and Bachmann Have "Crazy-Off" Duel

HANOVER, NH- In last night's GOP debate, pizza-mogul Herman Cain touted his "9-9-9" tax plan, saying that it had been devised with the help of one of the world's leading economists, some guy who works at a bank in Cleveland. Rep. Michele Bachmann, who recently has slipped behind Cain among mentally unhinged voters, attacked Cain's plan on the grounds that "when you take the 9-9-9 plan and you turn it upside down" it spells "6-6-6."

Accepting Rep. Bachmann's challenge to an all-out crazy-off, Cain reportedly now is developing a new border security plan with the help of a chain-link expert from a Milwaukee Home Depot and a Wichita LoJack salesman.

The Bachmann campaign released a statement that a Cain presidency would be disastrous for the country because the letters from "President Herman Cain" can be re-arranged to spell "I rent penis dancer ham," a phrase that suggests both sexual immorality and the end of American ham ownership.

Pastor Calls Mormonism Crazier than Regular Christianity

WASHINGTON, DC- Pastor Robert Jeffress caused a stir this week when he suggested that voters should choose Gov. Rick Perry over Mitt Romney because Mormonism "is a cult." Jeffress, who believes that two thousand years ago God got a virgin pregnant and became his own son to save mankind from the damnation he himself had prepared for them, thinks Romney's religion is a little bit crazy.

"You do have to admit, Mormonism is pretty weird," said a member of Jeffress' First Baptist Church in Dallas, a group that claims to save parishioners' souls by dunking them in a large tub of water. "Mormons think Jesus told people to eat his flesh and drink his blood, and then he came back from the dead," the baptist said, "so at least that's normal. But when they say God gave golden plates to Joseph Smith, that's just freaky-ville."

Despite the controversy, Jeffress stands by his statement, but says that he will pray for Romney while kneeling in front of an ancient Roman execution device which he believes allows him to talk to God.

Nation Struggles to Come to Terms with New Facebook

Millions of Facebook users were shocked and saddened this week when the popular social networking site once again suddenly became completely different. Many wandered the streets of Yoville aimlessly, as theologians and politicians looked for meaning in an otherwise senseless disaster.

"Clearly we have angered Facebook with our idolatry," explained the Rev. Myrna Mayhew. "We must set aside the temptations of Google+ and Twitter, and recommit ourselves to the one true newsfeed."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) blamed the Facebook changes on the "job-killing policies" of Pres. Obama. "If we just lower taxes on billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook will magically go back to the way it was."

In addition to changes to Facebook's "newsfeed," and the introduction of the "Tickler"-- a sidebar designed to be exactly as annoying as actually being tickled, Facebook has introduced several other new features, including drunk-face-recognition software, which automatically changes your profile picture to the most embarrassing photo that exists of you on the internet.

Facebook also has partnered with several banks and bathroom scales so users' exact weight and account balances can appear next to their posts. Users can opt out of this function by going into their privacy settings, holding down ctrl+option+tab+shift+Q+M+Z+P+L, and typing the seventeen letter captcha that appears while standing on one foot.

But don't get too comfortable with the new Facebook design. Insiders report that more convenience-enhancing changes are on the way. Facebook programmers are already looking into technology that would would change the "poke" feature into an actual physical poke, and that would replace the "like" button with a sticky substance that irritates your skin.

Gov. Perry Wants to Get It On With America

IOWA CITY- Presidential hopeful, Gov. Rick Perry said yesterday that the US deserves a president who is "in love with America." Sources close to the Texas governor say he has had a crush on the United States since his pre-teen years. During junior high, he would spend long hours locked in his room, surrounded by posters of scantily clad purple mountain majesties, or suggestive pictures of amber waves of grain washing a sports car.

Unlike Pres. Obama, who only calls a press conference when he has business to discuss, Gov. Perry promises if elected to frequently call press conferences just to say "I love you," or to ask the nation how its day is going. And he promises to never mention how fat America is getting.

In lieu of a jobs bill or stimulus plan, Perry would frequently surprise the US with flowers or little love notes. And as with the last Texas governor who became president, America should expect to get f*cked good and hard.

Obama Turns 50, Opponents Outraged

Pres. Obama drew criticism today as he turned fifty. "The fact that he did something this radical and partisan without consulting Congress shows he has no regard for the Constitution," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who vowed to use Senate procedural rules to block the president from being served his birthday cake.

"We've seen this before," warned presidential hopeful, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). "You know who else turned fifty? Adolph Hitler. And that was the year he bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm just saying."

The president had hoped to celebrate his birthday by having a quiet dinner with his wife, but in light of Republican objections he is now offering a compromise in which he will have dinner alone, and a tearful House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will administer his birthday spankings.