Nation Struggles to Come to Terms with New Facebook

Millions of Facebook users were shocked and saddened this week when the popular social networking site once again suddenly became completely different. Many wandered the streets of Yoville aimlessly, as theologians and politicians looked for meaning in an otherwise senseless disaster.

"Clearly we have angered Facebook with our idolatry," explained the Rev. Myrna Mayhew. "We must set aside the temptations of Google+ and Twitter, and recommit ourselves to the one true newsfeed."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) blamed the Facebook changes on the "job-killing policies" of Pres. Obama. "If we just lower taxes on billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook will magically go back to the way it was."

In addition to changes to Facebook's "newsfeed," and the introduction of the "Tickler"-- a sidebar designed to be exactly as annoying as actually being tickled, Facebook has introduced several other new features, including drunk-face-recognition software, which automatically changes your profile picture to the most embarrassing photo that exists of you on the internet.

Facebook also has partnered with several banks and bathroom scales so users' exact weight and account balances can appear next to their posts. Users can opt out of this function by going into their privacy settings, holding down ctrl+option+tab+shift+Q+M+Z+P+L, and typing the seventeen letter captcha that appears while standing on one foot.

But don't get too comfortable with the new Facebook design. Insiders report that more convenience-enhancing changes are on the way. Facebook programmers are already looking into technology that would would change the "poke" feature into an actual physical poke, and that would replace the "like" button with a sticky substance that irritates your skin.

Are Oreos a Better Leader than Michele Bachmann?

Rep. Michele Bachmann is vying for the role of GOP Conference Chair, the #4 leadership position in the House of Representatives. The Minnesota congresswoman first launched herself into the national spotlight by demanding that Democrats be investigated for "anti-American views," and by claiming that Pres. Obama plans to force the nation's children into "re-education camps."

In a Fox News interview on Monday, Bachmann cited as one of her key qualifications the fact that she has over 140,000 Facebook friends. She went on to suggest that having at least 100,000 Facebook friends should be a prerequisite for party leadership.

Following Bachmann's statement, Oreos have come forward to challenge her for the chair. Although Oreos are neither an elected member of Congress, nor an actual person, they appear to be nearly 100 times as qualified as Bachmann, with over 13 million friends.

The House Majority Whip is now expected to be Dr. House, a fictional character who has a few hundred thousand more friends than Oreos, and who may actually increase the civility and good manners of Congress. Vin Diesel is looking to be the House Majority Leader. With nearly 18 million friends, he is one of the most liked people on all of Facebook. Really.

The obvious choice for Speaker of the House is Michael Jackson. With over 23 million friends, he is the most popular human in Facebook history. Although technically dead, he has a healthier skin tone than previously presumed Speaker, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH). Jackson's new album comes out next month.

Urban Legend Reveals God is Pissy, Insecure A--hole

A note titled "Love vs. Sex" has been circulating on Facebook as a viral posting. The note recounts the urban legend of two teenage girls who walk home alone separately, late one night. The girl who prays to God gets home safely, while the girl who doesn't gets raped. The posting explains that "if you stand up for God, he will stand up for you." And apparently if you don't, He will make sure you get raped in an alley.

Sources close to God explain that although the Deity is the Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth, He is extremely insecure and gets His feelings hurt when teenage girls don't talk to him. "Sometimes he'll go sulk in his room for days, listening to Creed," an anonymous archangel confides. "Other times he'll go on a real smite binge."

The title, "Love vs. Sex," combined with the note's theme of sexual assault, underscores God's belief that sex is scary and wrong. Although God invented sex, He gets angry when anyone actually engages in it. According to insiders, this also stems from the Lord's insecurity. "He's convinced everyone is getting laid more than He is and it drives Him crazy," one saint explains. "And you wouldn't believe how much he's spent on male enhancement products over the millennia."

As for the girl whom God protected on the dark night in the alley, she complains that since that night, the Almighty has been "excessively clingy." "He keeps asking me to post on Facebook about how great He is for not letting me get raped, and then ask all my friends to repost it to their friends," she says. "It's a little much." While she is grateful that praying to God protected her from sexual assault that night, in the future she plans on just carrying mace.

America Cursed with Pat Robertson Due to 'Pact with Devil'

In the shocking wake of Pat Robertson's statement that the Haiti earthquake was God's will, and a "blessing in disguise," Americans-- particularly Americans of faith-- are wondering what they did to deserve such a person as the Republican televangelist.

"I just don't understand how a loving and just God can allow someone like [Robertson] to exist," says Mabel Wren, a Methodist in North Dakota.

The former presidential candidate has sparked frequent outrage in the past, such as when he blamed 9/11 on American immorality, or when he called on his followers to pray for the death of Supreme Court justices. Theologian, the Rev. Juan Kook, has a theory as to why Robertson has been inflicted upon America. "Our founding fathers made a pact with the Devil to defeat the British, and today God is punishing us with Pat Robertson."

Why punish us now, more than two hundred years later? "The thing you have to understand about the way the Lord works," Kook explains, "is that the Dude's a serious procrastinator. He promises to smite you one minute, then stops to check His Facebook page and bam! A couple centuries have gone by."

As Robertson is now 79, many hope the days of suffering under his affliction are drawing to a close, but Kook warns that "when God really wants to stick it to you, he can prolong the life of someone like that indefinitely." Kook cites the case of South Carolina senator/statutory rapist Strom Thurmond, who lived to be 470. "Let's face it," says Kook, "no one knows how to hold a grudge like God does."

Climate Change Won't Destroy Blue States, Red States Claim

LINCOLN, NE- With the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen approaching, climate change skeptics are becoming increasingly vocal. "Environmentalists make wild claims with nothing to back them up but science," says Ogden Clover of the Nebraska based, Red State Alliance. "Now science is good for a lot of things, like making volcanoes out of baking soda and vinegar, but what it's not good for is dealing with matters of faith, and real Americans have complete faith that there is no global warming."

Like most red state residents, Clover believes that "the myth of global warming" is a politically motivated conspiracy between liberals and every single climatologist on the planet. He also adamantly insists that he and other climate change deniers are "absolutely not involved" in a conspiracy of their own to annihilate the blue states.

"The idea that melting polar ice caps could cause massive flooding and wipe out the east and west coasts and Hawaii is downright laughable," says Keith Stewart of North Dakota Future Beach Front Realty. "I mean, come on."

One of the most outspoken disbelievers of global warming is professional Facebook-poster, Sarah Palin. "If I believed for one minute that global warming could destroy the Obama states, kill Katie Couric and Tina Fey, and change my state from a frozen wasteland that resembles Dante's ninth level of hell to a tropical paradise, of course I'd be against it," says the Alaskan oil advocate, "But we all know it's not true." Palin has yet to confirm speculation that she will run for president in 2012, but a Red State Alliance poll suggests that if carbon emissions remain unchecked, she could easily sweep all twenty-two states.

Sarah Palin Unfriends the Inquisition :(

Sarah Palin celebrated a milestone today. She now has over 1 million Facebook fans. With nearly as many virtual friends as Tila Tequila, pundits agree she is almost certain to soon launch a reality show where drunk boys and girls in bikinis compete to make out with her.

To celebrate her one millionth fan, she posted a note lauding her Facebook page as "an

unfiltered communication medium." On the same day, she also filtered the communication by barring Allan Piper, the editor-in-chief of the Inquisition from posting comments and links on her wall.

"I don't get it," says Piper. "Just yesterday I posted the article 'Mayans Predict Palin Will End World in 2012' on her wall. I thought she'd love it, because it portrays her as a woman of tremendous historical significance."

Piper has been periodically posting Inquisition articles on Palin's wall since August. "I thought she'd appreciate it," he explains. "I mean we all know what a voracious reader she is. You remember when Katie Couric asked her what publications she read, she said 'all of them.'"

In honor of Palin's one millionth Facebook friend, the Inquisition has compiled a collection of our coverage of her at http://tinyurl.com/yd4lfnv "It's a pity I won't be able to post it on her wall now," Piper says. "Maybe somebody else will. I'm pretty sure she'd like it."

Crazy Guy at Bus Stop Accuses Sarah Palin of Stealing His Act

NEW YORK- In a Facebook posting on Friday, Alaskan housewife Sarah Palin called President Obama's healthcare plan "downright evil," warning that it will create a "death panel" to murder Down Syndrome babies and senior citizens. Bob Schmidt, who resides outside the New York Port Authority Bus Terminal immediately took offense. "I'm the crazy guy at the bus stop, okay? It's my job to rant about government death squads. If a former vice-presidential candidate uses that kind of rhetoric, how am I supposed to top that? Foam at the mouth and bark like a dog?"

Schmidt accuses Palin of repeatedly plagiarizing his work. In her gubernatorial farewell address, Palin spoke of "such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers." Schmidt claims these words were lifted directly from a 2005 speech he delivered to no one in particular while urinating on himself on the F train.

Palin is not the only one Schmidt accuses of stealing his words. "For years I've been standing on street corners screaming 'the president is a Nazi.' Now people burst into town hall meetings yelling that, and I don't even get royalties. Even Rush Limbaugh is stealing from me." Schmidt refers to Limbaugh's August 6 radio show, in which he most recently likened Obama to Hitler.

Schmidt believes people have been stealing his brain waves ever since he lost his health insurance and had to stop taking his medication. In spite of an aluminum foil hat he designed to protect against such "psychic eavesdropping," he suspects Palin and other Republicans of using microwaves to read his thoughts. Palin declined to comment, opting instead to foam at the mouth and bark like a dog.

Real Cause of Recession Revealed to be Facebook

WASHINGTON- A study by the Center for Economic Analysis revealed this week that the real cause of the global economic crisis is not the collapse of sub-prime mortgages, but in fact Facebook. Since Facebook's public debut in 2006, American workplace productivity has fallen 100%. Literally nothing is getting done. According to a spokesperson from the U.S. Department of Labor, "Hold on. I've just got to tag some friends in this picture. I'm sorry, what was your question? Wait, I got a 'donut request'? What does that even mean?"

As more Americans struggle to balance the demands of updating their status, taking quizzes to find out what soft drink they are, and finally reconnecting with that weird kid in sixth grade that they never liked anyway, they're discovering that they simply do not have time for lesser things, like their actual jobs. Across all careers, even workers who find time to start a business-related task, like analyzing a spreadsheet, writing a news article, or removing a ruptured appendix, must frequently interrupt their work to notify their friends of the five 80's sitcoms that shaped their lives. Although they have every intention of quickly picking up their work where they left off,

Man Stabbed 25 Times After Sending 'Random Things' Note

by Allan Piper

NEW YORK- After tagging several of his friends and colleagues with the internet chain letter, "25 Random Things," Derrick Tanner, who tried to teach himself guitar in seventh-grade, was stabbed twenty-five times in his office cubicle by recipients of the note. Police believe that the attacks upon this man, whose favorite pizza topping was sausage, were not coordinated, but instead were twenty-five separate, random assaults.

"25 Random Things" is a virally circulating email message that encourages people to share unrequested personal information with their friends. Coworker, Tom Davis reflects on what went through his mind when he received the note from Tanner. "This is the third one of these things I've gotten, and when I read that Derrick likes wintergreen Tic-Tacs better than spearmint, I remember thinking, 'why the f--- do you think I care?' and I grabbed one of those erasable pens that I now know he loves and I stabbed him in the eye."

Other recipients responded more warmly to the posting. "The third thing on the list said he used to call his grandma 'Num-Num,' I thought that was kind of cute," said neighbor, Erica Small, "but it was also way more than I needed to know, so I stabbed him too."

Not everyone tagged by the former spelling bee champ gave in to the urge to murder. Yoga classmate, Tina Donaldson recalls, "I was pretty grossed out when I read he secretly picks his nose, and I kind of wanted to stab him, but I decided to be a bigger person than that. Also by the time I got there, there was a real line."

Because it will be hard to determine which of the multiple stab wounds was the cause of death, the District Attorney's office has decided not prosecute any of the assailants who took the life of this collector of state quarters. "We're just going to let it go," a D.A. spokesperson confirms. "After all, he kind of brought it on himself."