Showing posts with label conspiracy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conspiracy. Show all posts

Monday, September 23, 2013

NRA Head Calls for 'National Database of Lunatics,' Stops Short of Signing Himself Up

Yesterday on Meet the Press, NRA leader Wayne LaPierre argued that the Navy Yard shooting could have been prevented if only the Navy had more guns. And although he has opposed the registration of guns, he called for registering America's mentally ill in a "national database of these lunatics."

Last year, LaPierre argued that the fact that President Obama took no action to restrict guns during his first term was proof of a "massive Obama conspiracy… to destroy the Second Amendment" during his second term. He also has suggested that President Obama will make it illegal to fly the American flag and that efforts to reduce gun violence will lead the UN to commit "mass executions of gun owners." Despite his call for a national database of lunatics, this leader of one of America's most powerful lobbying groups stopped short of offering to sign himself up. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Obama Turns 50, Opponents Outraged

Pres. Obama drew criticism today as he turned fifty. "The fact that he did something this radical and partisan without consulting Congress shows he has no regard for the Constitution," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who vowed to use Senate procedural rules to block the president from being served his birthday cake.

"We've seen this before," warned presidential hopeful, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). "You know who else turned fifty? Adolph Hitler. And that was the year he bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm just saying."

The president had hoped to celebrate his birthday by having a quiet dinner with his wife, but in light of Republican objections he is now offering a compromise in which he will have dinner alone, and a tearful House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will administer his birthday spankings.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Childhood on Mars Shaped Huckabee's Worldview

In a radio interview Monday, former Arkansas governor and Fox News host, Mike Huckabee said that Pres. Obama may have developed an anti-western worldview due to his childhood in Kenya. He also implied that the president's American citizenship is questionable.

As every sane member of the Earthling population is aware, the president was born an American citizen, with an American mother, who gave birth to him in America. He spent all but four years of his childhood here, and never even visited Kenya until he was an adult.

Although Huckabee claims to have been born in the US himself, not once has he publicly presented his original birth certificate, leading many to suspect that he was actually born on Mars. Since there are no black people on Mars, it only makes sense that Huckabee would come to regard them with suspicion.

The former baptist preacher may not be alone in his Martian origin. A recent poll shows that 51% of Republicans question the president's citizenship, while Republican legislatures in 11 states have introduced "birther bills" aiming to block Pres. Obama from the 2012 ballot. If the majority of Republicans are actually Martians, then their efforts to accelerate climate change, deprive Earthlings of healthcare, and foster nuclear proliferation can be understood as part of a traditional Martian culture that values the total destruction of the planet Earth.

While Huckabee has yet to confirm that he is running for president, he has promised that all his political intentions will be made clear when we finish translating his new book, To Serve Man.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Obama India Trip Will Cost $100 Gazillion a Day

WASHINGTON, DC- Fox News ignited a firestorm this week when it reported that Pres. Obama's upcoming India trip will cost taxpayers more than $200 million a day. Although that number is completely made up, it raises serious doubts about the president's competence.

Even more alarming is a report from the Factual American Research Trust (FART) which suggests Fox's made-up number may be too low. The FART estimates the true cost of the trip to be over $100 gazillion a day.

The FART report also contradicts Rep. Michele Bachmann's claim that the White House has reserved 870 luxury rooms in the Taj Mahal hotel. Although the hotel has under 600 rooms, the president's actual reservation appears to be for a million-bazillion rooms.

The single biggest cost of the trip may be the president's security detail, which will include the entire US Navy, the Spanish Armada, and the Millennium Falcon. All totaled, the trip will cost over infinity-squillion dollars. Since this is more than the combined wealth of the entire planet, critics suggest this routine diplomatic visit may be part of a vast, liberal conspiracy to bankrupt the solar system.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Campaign Finance Gets Outsourced

The 2010 midterm election is on track to become the most expensive election in US history, with nearly $200 million of campaign ads. Roughly 38% is being spent by the US Chamber of Commerce on ads attacking Democrats.

This week the Center for American Progress released a list of 80 foreign companies who have contributed a total of $885,000 to the Chamber, mostly from India and the Kingdom of Bahrain. Like so many of America's other jobs, it appears that campaign financing is getting outsourced.

Traditional campaign financiers are worried. Arlo Pert and his family have been in the political contribution business since his grandfather gave a dollar to Harry Truman in 1948. Now he's afraid he just can't compete. "Those Indian campaign financiers use child labor," Pert complains. "You know how much easier it is to stuff cash in someone's pocket with those tiny fingers?"

There are also concerns that foreign-funded ads may not be subject to the same quality control as American-bought ads. The Washington Post reported this week that many of the Chamber's ads have been recalled because they contained information that was simply false.

Not all of the Chamber's funding comes from India and Bahrain, of course. The Chamber has received $1 million from Fox News owner, Rupert Murdoch, who comes from Australia. This week the Chamber also received a $10,000 pledge from Glenn Beck, who is widely believed to be from the Moon.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Climate Change Won't Destroy Blue States, Red States Claim

LINCOLN, NE- With the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen approaching, climate change skeptics are becoming increasingly vocal. "Environmentalists make wild claims with nothing to back them up but science," says Ogden Clover of the Nebraska based, Red State Alliance. "Now science is good for a lot of things, like making volcanoes out of baking soda and vinegar, but what it's not good for is dealing with matters of faith, and real Americans have complete faith that there is no global warming."

Like most red state residents, Clover believes that "the myth of global warming" is a politically motivated conspiracy between liberals and every single climatologist on the planet. He also adamantly insists that he and other climate change deniers are "absolutely not involved" in a conspiracy of their own to annihilate the blue states.

"The idea that melting polar ice caps could cause massive flooding and wipe out the east and west coasts and Hawaii is downright laughable," says Keith Stewart of North Dakota Future Beach Front Realty. "I mean, come on."

One of the most outspoken disbelievers of global warming is professional Facebook-poster, Sarah Palin. "If I believed for one minute that global warming could destroy the Obama states, kill Katie Couric and Tina Fey, and change my state from a frozen wasteland that resembles Dante's ninth level of hell to a tropical paradise, of course I'd be against it," says the Alaskan oil advocate, "But we all know it's not true." Palin has yet to confirm speculation that she will run for president in 2012, but a Red State Alliance poll suggests that if carbon emissions remain unchecked, she could easily sweep all twenty-two states.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Mayans Predict Palin Will End World in 2012

2012 was number one at the box office this weekend. The picture is based on the ancient Mayan prophecy that the world will end in 2012 after Sarah Palin's election as president.

According to Mayan scholars, the ancient mystics believed the end of time would result from the
apotheosis of a charismatic, yet vastly stupid woman, so extremely unsuited for leadership that her rise to power would cause the very universe to collapse in on itself. "The hieroglyphics depict her as a flying huntress," explains Harvard Mayanist, Ian Whetherby, "one who shoots down wolves from a floating chariot that very much resembles a helicopter."

Whetherby warns however, against reading too much into the prophecy. "These are just the attempts of a primitive society to understand their world," advising that any correlation with modern events should be looked on as coincidental.

"That said," he continues, "the inscriptions do specifically name the 'doom-bringer' as Sarah Palin, a former beauty-queen and governor of Alaska, and mother to a brood of offspring with nonsensical names."

When asked about the prophecy at a stop on her book tour, Palin dismissed it as a "wild and paranoid conspiracy theory," and urged the public to focus on the real issues facing our nation, "like how Obama forged his birth certificate to illegally become president, create death panels, and take God off our coins."

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Glenn Beck Uses Spelling to Expose Obama Agenda

NEW YORK- On Thursday, Fox's Glenn Beck used a new scientific method to prove that President Barack Obama is trying to undermine American democracy. Beck demonstrated that if you take the first letters of the words "Obama," "left," "internationalist," "graft," "ACORN," "revolutionaries," and "hidden agenda," you get the word "OLIGARH," which Beck explained was just one letter away from "OLIGARCHY."

Technically it's two letters away. Beck forgot the letter "C." However, Beck is not one to be embarrassed by misspelling a word on national television. He has never claimed to be a fancy speller like President Obama or Cookie Monster.

Click below to view clip. Story continues beneath.

If Beck's methodology is correct, his acronym provides irrefutable evidence not only that Obama is an oligarch (or perhaps an oligarh), but that he and ACORN are involved in revolutionary international graft.

Skeptics initially doubted whether grouping a series of unrelated words to almost spell another word can reveal a public figure's true nature, until further research demonstrated that the first letters of the phrase, "Dangerous Un-American Maniac Beck, Fox's Ugly Conspiracy-theorist Klansman" spell "DUMBF*CK."

The Inquisition invites you, our readers to post your own acronyms in the comment section below.

Stefan Avalos contributed to this report.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Crazy Guy at Bus Stop Accuses Sarah Palin of Stealing His Act

NEW YORK- In a Facebook posting on Friday, Alaskan housewife Sarah Palin called President Obama's healthcare plan "downright evil," warning that it will create a "death panel" to murder Down Syndrome babies and senior citizens. Bob Schmidt, who resides outside the New York Port Authority Bus Terminal immediately took offense. "I'm the crazy guy at the bus stop, okay? It's my job to rant about government death squads. If a former vice-presidential candidate uses that kind of rhetoric, how am I supposed to top that? Foam at the mouth and bark like a dog?"

Schmidt accuses Palin of repeatedly plagiarizing his work. In her gubernatorial farewell address, Palin spoke of "such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers." Schmidt claims these words were lifted directly from a 2005 speech he delivered to no one in particular while urinating on himself on the F train.

Palin is not the only one Schmidt accuses of stealing his words. "For years I've been standing on street corners screaming 'the president is a Nazi.' Now people burst into town hall meetings yelling that, and I don't even get royalties. Even Rush Limbaugh is stealing from me." Schmidt refers to Limbaugh's August 6 radio show, in which he most recently likened Obama to Hitler.

Schmidt believes people have been stealing his brain waves ever since he lost his health insurance and had to stop taking his medication. In spite of an aluminum foil hat he designed to protect against such "psychic eavesdropping," he suspects Palin and other Republicans of using microwaves to read his thoughts. Palin declined to comment, opting instead to foam at the mouth and bark like a dog.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Forged Birth Certificate Proves Obama Never Born At All

Forty-eight years ago today, President Barack Obama was born at the Kapi'olani Medical Center in Honolulu— at least that's what his birth certificate claims. Based on the overwhelming evidence of "a gut feeling," a growing group of Americans believe the birth certificate is fake, that Obama actually was born in Kenya, is not an American citizen, and therefore cannot legally be president.

Never in history has it occurred to anyone to deny the citizenship of the president, not even a president with a ridiculously foreign-sounding name like Martin Van Buren, but there is some undefinable quality that makes Obama seem somehow… different from the forty-three presidents who preceded him.

"This isn't about race." explains Irwin Kram of the American Truth Foundation, "However, Obama is black, and most Kenyans are black. It does seem like a pretty big coincidence, doesn't it?"

Obama displays other suspiciously un-American qualities, like being thin, and engaging in reasoned discourse. It is also alleged that he weighs the same as a duck.

This week, the birthers gained their first piece of hard evidence, as Orly Taitz, a California lawyer/dentist/real estate agent who is leading a class action lawsuit against the president, published a Kenyan birth certificate, showing that Obama was born in Mombasa. The document immediately was proven to be a forgery, but the existence of two allegedly fake birth certificates now calls into question whether Obama was ever really born at all.

"Years from now, we'll probably look back at the mere existence of Obama as one of the great historical myths," says Kram, "like George Washington chopping down the cherry tree, or the Holocaust." In the meantime, Taitz is seeking a court injunction to prevent Obama from being served his birthday cake.

If it can be proven that Obama was either never born, or simply not born in America, he will have to yield the presidency to John McCain, who in turn will have to step down because he himself was born in Panama while his father was stationed overseas with the Navy. At that point, Sarah Palin will become president. Pundits believe that it was in preparation for this eventuality that she recently resigned as governor of Alaska.

Dr. Saul Kruggerrand contributed to this report.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

NASA Digitally Enhances Moon Landing for 40th Anniversary

WASHINGTON DC- This week commemorates the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. While images of the historic event have been seen the world over, these all come from foggy, low quality video copies of the original high-resolution footage, which somehow disappeared shortly after the mission. Last week, NASA engineer Dick Nafzger announced that the space agency probably taped over the original footage— an act that may forever change the way we use the phrase "he's no rocket scientist."

To make up for this error, NASA has hired a Hollywood special effects company to digitally enhance the existing footage. Click here for more on this story.

George Lucas has offered to help the restoration effort, which will be paid for through product placement. "The special effects in the original footage are impressive for their time," says Lucas, "but today we have the opportunity to do so much more."

The Star Wars creator has proposed adding a perilous flight through a meteor field, which could be spun off into a video game. He's also hoping to provide comic relief by giving Neil Armstrong a zany, jive-talking alien sidekick.

NASA officials have apologized for erasing the original footage, and promise that if and when we develop the technology to return to the moon, "we will carefully label the tapes and not just leave them in the VCR."

Chris Pearson contributed to this report.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Jonas Brothers Involved in Vast Conspiracy

In this month's Rolling Stone, Matt Taibbi details how Goldman Sachs has used its power and influence to engineer and profit from every major financial disaster since the Great Depression. Conspiracy theorists believe the financial giant is also responsible for putting the Jonas Brothers on the cover of the issue, ensuring that no adult will ever read it.